Sunday, July 17, 2011

Change In The Wind

Like I said many things have changed. I'm no longer a scaredy cat about talking future plans, but I still tend to tread lightly. Many things have come up in conversation including mentioning of soul mates, relocation, mentioning of possible children and the dreaded word (OK so not really) marriage. Yeah, it scared me to write that. For one, due to my record in LTR it scares the shit out of me to actually open up to the possibility of even "thinking" into the future, let alone talking about it. Two, just because we have mentioned it here and there and are more open to it now in no way makes it fact or a binding contract. A lot think that since it has been mentioned it WILL happen, no ifs ands or buts about it. I don't live that way. I don't expect anything from Sir when it comes to the future. Just because we have talked openly about these things, Sir is not entitled to carry out what ifs and possibilities. It is his decision ultimately if he wants to move in that direction in the future. With me it is a special circumstance. If you want a future with me, you get a door prize- a little girl. She comes with me. You want me, you have to want her as well.

I hate when people automatically assume a partner has some sort of responsibility for my child just because we are romantically involved. My family is forever trying to push things like that. Like at my daughters birthday party! I'll start calling her by her nickname on here- Little Ga Ga. Yes, Little Ga Ga, that is my 3 year old. Why Little Ga Ga? I swear she is the next Lady Ga Ga! She is a character, one of a kind. She already has Ga Ga's crazy fashion sense, she is a free spirit and she is one hell of a performer. You should see the dramatics that go down at my house. She can literally make herself cry at the drop of a hat. She lives in a musical. Nothing is spoken, it must be expressed through song! Costumes 24/7! Can't just wear shorts and a t-shirt. No, she has to always wear her "sparkly tutu" and preferably a pair of my heels. MY heels, not those cheesy plastic dress up princess heels, nope those are not good enough for her. Anyways, you get the idea. She's my little wild child and I love her for that.

So Sir came to Little Ga Ga's birthday party. He was a guest just like everyone else. It was his first time meeting my extended family. Ga Ga got a shopping cart and it had to be put together. Of course she wants it right away so I hand it off to a cousin to put it together. The next thing I know they hand it over to Sir and tell him to put it together! "That's a mans job." Uh, hello! WTF are you people doing? I just kept shouting to him "You don't have to do that! I'll do it later. It's not your responsibility." I didn't know if I was more embarrassed or pissed off! I actually thought it was rude myself! My family just assumes since there is a man in my life that he is supposed to step up and be replacement Daddy?! No! Children grow up in single parent homes everyday, so don't make me feel like I am not capable of raising a child on my own! I've been doing it for threes years already! It's possible, don't make me or Sir for that matter feel less than because Little Ga Ga doesn't live in a home with two parents. I will never push any responsibility onto any man involved in my life when it comes to my child. If in the future at any point we go down the path where he is a part of my daughter's life- that is and will remain his decision. It is no one else's decision. Not friends, not family, not even me. I can give my blessing but I will never decide for him.

So lately I have had a bit of a change of heart. It doesn't scare me as much anymore to actually think about the future and discuss the what ifs and make plans or goals in life. But this is the way we both see it, we are on the same page now. Yes, we love each other so naturally we are happy in our relationship so that brings about thoughts of a possible future together. But that in no way binds us to that plan nor does it mean it will happen for sure. I honestly think there is a point in every relationship where you think in the back of your mind, is this someone I can see myself with years down the road? Some you can, others you know it doesn't stand a chance. So right now in our relationship we are at that point and we both see the potential for a possible future. That is all.

The big difference for me now is when we have those discussions I don't feel fear. Before just the mention of even planning for next Christmas would have freaked me out. But now when we have those discussions, they make me happy. The possibility of a future with Sir makes me happy and not scared. This is the first time I'm going to be revealing some of my emotions. I get very scared when I have to talk about any sort of emotion, especially love. So I admit, I am scared as hell to admit these things because I in no way want Sir to feel obligated or make him think I expect these things and will be heart broken if they don't happen. That is not the case at all. If we part ways in the future, we part ways. That is one thing we agree on- if neither of us is no longer happy with our relationship we will let it be known. We want the same thing for each other- we just want each other to be happy in life. So if it ends up we would be happier apart, so be it. What will be, will be.

That is another reason I vow to be a self sufficient woman all my life. We don't know what the future holds. So I don't want to have to depend on another to support me- I will always be able to support myself and my child if things go sour in any relationship. Growing up in a household where my Mom was a stay at home Mother, never worked and my Dad was the breadwinner; my whole life they did nothing but fight. You could see and still see the hatred my Mother has for my Father. But what could she do? She had nowhere to go, no one to support her and three kids. So she stayed, they still argue, you can still see the hatred in that house. Who wants that? You have no idea how many times growing up I wished they would just get a divorce so they would be happier. I never want to be in that situation. If I am with someone, I want to be with them because they make me happy and I want them to stay with me out of happiness as well and not just for security. That is what my last marriage ended up being, my ex could not support himself. He stayed out of need for support and nothing else. That is why I will always be self sufficient. Sir agrees as well. He has even told me he wants me to be able to always support myself if things go wrong between us. You know what? That means a lot to me. I don't see it as him trying to push me away- I think it shows he truly cares and loves me. That he thinks about my happiness even if he is not in my life, that means a lot. So with that, I will move onto the deeper emotional stuff :)

I am the least romantic person ever! I don't believe in soul mates, I think fairy tales are bullshit and I don't see how anyone could ever be happy with the same person for the rest of their lives. Yet, when I met Sir for the first time- it was just that, I know no other way to describe it than soul mates. I felt like I had known him for years after talking to him for two hours. When I kissed him for the first time it felt perfect, like I was made to kiss him. Still after 9 months I am as excited to see him as I was that first time, every time I see him. I light up when I see him and I still get butterflies. AND, just as much as I love him, I want him. You know how some relationships are just physical and some are more emotional? We have both. One minute I want to sit and cuddle and talk and exchange sappy words and the next I want to jump him!

I was set in life. I had a plan! I didn't want anymore children, never wanted to remarry and never wanted to live with another man again. I was ready to live a single life and was happy about it. Then in walks Sir. He has every quality a man should have to make a relationship last and thrive. He possesses qualities I didn't even know I wanted in a man! He's a protector and I see he has the potential to be a great provider. He is supportive and willing to work just as hard as I to make a relationship last. He's kind yet strict, caring yet passionate, confident yet humble, independent yet an equal partner. The perfect mix! How could you not think of a possible future with such a perfect man? And he loves me in return! So when he says things like "you know I was thinking and I realized I would like to have a child of my own one day." I want to give him that! I want to help him experience the joy in having a child of your own. Or if he says "if you ever do marry me, you have to wear a corset dress." I can't help but picture the dress and wonder what I would do, what I would plan if I ever got married again.

Side note: this kinds freaked me out a little lol. Not two days after that conversation, I'm on a website just looking at corsets like always. Sir and I both have a thing for corsets. Up pops a bridal corset. Not one you wear under a dress- but an actual corset meant to be worn as part of your dress. I gasped! I had never seen something so beautiful! It literally was what I had been picturing- but three times more beautiful. Now, I want that damn corset lol.

Sir texts me at night that "I wish I was lying next to you cuddling and that I could wake up to you." I go to bed wishing he were there and think of how it would be if we didn't have to go sleep separately every night. How it would be if he would come home after a long day of work and slide into bed next to me and we talk about how our days went. We've had many discussions of moving out of state. We both like the idea- but again, we are on the same page. I am not willing nor does Sir expect me to uproot my life and my child's and move away from my family and job if there is no potential of a future. He said to me the other day that he has a 10 year plan. He is shooting for moving out of California in 10 years and plans on going out there, finding a job and a house and getting everything ready before he asked me to move out there. He wants to have a place for me and my daughter to go. Again, that means so much to me for him to even think that deeply about something like that. It shows how mature he truly is and how much he does care.

I also think what it would be like if we did end up together in the future? What would our dynamic be? Him as my Dom, would I want his control over me for long term? Yes, yes I would. He honestly is the type of Dom I was looking for in the beginning but had no idea. He is strict at times, but when it comes down to it- he cares and is kind. He cares for his sub and wants the best for her. I'll never forget when we first met he said "I take care of my toys. A broken toy is of no use to me." He does take care of his toy :) Very well and if it goes down that path, a lifetime of his control sounds wonderful.

Whew! That was deep! So my main focus right now in life is taking care of myself, my daughter and Sir when needed. I plan on finishing my school so I can be self sufficient and if we do end up together, I can help contribute to our relationship. I see the caretaker in me coming out. God, dare I say it! The domesticated part of me is showing!! Ugh! I want to cook and clean and take care of a house and children. OMG! Ewwww! I sound like a fuckin soccer Mom! Well, at least if I do become a Domestic Goddess as so many call it- at least I'll be a hot, kinky one. Here's to the future. We do not know what it holds, but either way it will fuckin rock!!!!

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