Saturday, October 29, 2011

What Makes A Good Sub?

I've been asked this question numerous times. The truth- you ask 100 people, you will get 100 different answers. A lot of it depends on your individual relationship and personality. If you would have asked me this question 6 months ago I would not feel comfortable answering that question. But now that I am more comfortable in my relationship and how our dynamic works, I have confidence in my answer. I know what makes a good sub, at least in my relationship.


See, I happened to be used to what Sir calls micromanaging. The people that introduced me to the lifestyle were very...uh, into detail. So I went into our relationship expecting the same thing- being given a long list of rules and just details on how to do EVERYTHING! Like how to sit, how to speak, what not to say, what to say, when to speak, when to exercise, how to dress blah blah blah. I didn't get any of that. Needless to say it took some time to get used to that.

Sir and I have been together for a little over a year now. I feel we are now hitting our stride. It's so exciting! It seems we just keep finding out more things about ourselves not only as individuals but as Dom and sub. So here is what I feel makes a good sub.

I feel both parties have responsibilities to keep things going when it comes to D/s. Now in our dynamic- there are not a lot of rules and demands placed on me. Sir expects me to use my brain and be able to take care of myself. Which works for me because I am very independent. I honestly can't grasp the concept of wanting every aspect of your life to be controlled. It is not something I want so I just don't understand it. Anyways, I feel as a sub it is my responsibility to voice my needs and desires. That took me a long time to grasp. Even though I may be the one taking on the submissive role, it does not mean that I am not my own person with my own wants and needs. Plus Sir is not a mind reader, so it is MY responsibility to make sure those things are voiced and taken care of.

For me I have three needs for a D/s relationship. The first is consistency. For some reason it makes me feel safe. I want to know that there are set rules and consequences. I want things to stay the same. I didn't know I needed that before so it was very tough for me to voice what it was that I needed. I didn't even know what I needed. I had to do some soul searching on that one. I'm one that tests the boundaries. Every once in a while just to make sure things are consistent I will push to see if nothing has changed. It usually consists of me being bratty as all hell. I want to stop and say that I am very proud of Sir :) well I am proud of both of us. I'm proud of myself for actually being able to voice my needs and I'm proud of Sir for sticking with it and being consistent even though I know it is tough for him sometimes because he doesn't want to upset me. (Psst, Sir. It in no way upsets me- ever. Just to let you know)

The second thing I need in a D/s relationship is to serve. I am a nurturing person. I have a deep need to take care of people. It makes me feel good knowing I can help others and please them. So I try to serve in what little ways I can for Sir. Right now we don't live together so it's not really a 24/7 thing. But when I am with him in vanilla situations I'll do small things for him like get his drink for him. Make sure he is taken care of first before I move onto other things. I make sure I am at his side in case he needs anything.

When we go to events in the community, since we don't have much time to be openly kinky- I take those times to really let my submissive desires out. So a lot of people will find me standing next to Sir quietly lol. Some people freak out about it. One, I'm just a shy person so it kinda gives me an excuse not to be noticed. Second, it's the only time I can truly bring out that side of me so I take advantage of it. In my daily life I am always in control. I'm a mom, my job is demanding, the only thing keeping me in school is my own will. So it is nice to have times where I can sit back and let another take control of situations. It's a release actually. One way I take care of that is being service oriented.

The third thing I need in a D/s relationship is knowing I am special and desired. Maybe it has to do with the fact that we are poly, not sure. Also I feel we all need that approval at some point as humans. We like to know we are desired. I need reminders every once in a while that I am an individual and not just another girl. I need to know what stands out about me. I need to know that I am wanted, that Sir wants to be with me and wants me around. He does a great job of that :) I feel very loved and taken care of. There isn't a moment I don't feel special in his eyes.

So there are my needs, which as I said I feel it is my job to voice and make sure they are being met. A few other things that I personally think make a good sub. Good communication skills, that's a given in any relationship but especially important when it comes to BDSM. A desire to please; then again I'm pretty sure all subs already know that about themselves. I also think it is good to be open to having your limits pushed. I'm not talking about when it comes to a casual dynamic! Honestly if someone tried to push my boundaries and they were not in a D/s relationship with me them they might get decked. I don't handle my limits being pushed very well by just anyone :) I mean if you are in a true D/s relationship and you trust the person it is good to have your limits pushed sometimes. I feel it pushes you to learn thing out about yourself and creates a stronger bond in a sense.

I really could go on and on but I think I'll stop here. Maybe I'll write about this again another time. There are just so many different layers when it comes to D/s relationships and submissive roles. It's a complicated thing. This is a subject definitely worth visiting again.

20 comments:

  1. I have just read your artical and it makes perfect sense to me personally.I have read other things and actually that did worry me as i thought i had got in way over my head. I have just entered in to D/s relationship. my master is on the lighter side. I am thankful to him already. I think about him all the time, and feel very lucky that he selected me as his sub as he had a choice of 3 or 4 who wanted to serve him. This is all very new to me but i trust he will guide me and help me become all that he desires.

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  2. I am just about to enter into my first D/s relationship with my new Mistress, I am nervous, yet excited. My Mistress seems to be quite strict, and has said she will punish me if I do wrong or fail to please her. I am meeting her on Wednesday when she will decide if I am truely worthy of serving her- I hope I please her!

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  3. thank you for this. Im really nervous about entering my first D/S relationship and this article has been the first thing i've read that has calmed me down about the whole thing.. it really helped me so thank you!

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  4. I am too entering into relationship as a sub we are both married to others and I have all the control in my marriage I want to feel safe and have someone else in charge

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  5. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

    I have just found My Master. I wanted to be sure that all the things that I thought I should be doing for him were correct. Reassurance I suppose. You have provided with me that and so, so much more. We actually sound the exact type of person, strange hey!

    Anyway I wish you and your Master all the love and luck in the World and am glad you found each other x

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  6. This was very eye-opening for me and I really enjoyed reading it. Although I've never been in such a relationship, I felt like qualities 2 & 3 are things I find in myself (being nurturing, needing to feel special and desired). Thank you for sharing this :)

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  7. Im meeting my Master for the first time in 9 hours. Im so thrilled to finally b able to please my daddy in person. Hes my whole world n its wonderful to have articles like these to.lead us subs in the right direction to serve our Doms better. Thank you :)

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  8. I have known my master for 2 years. We just recently started with the d/s roles and he was a little shy and awkward at first not knowing for sure exactly wat I wanted. But he has gotten a lot better at it lately. In our relationship there's understanding and devotion. Im fully committed to making him happy. The best thing I can say for future subs is learn all u can about ur master or mistress and put ur heart and soul into pleasing them.

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  9. I have known my master for 3 years now. We are just starting the D/s roles. He has more knowledge in this than I do. This is the first thing that I have read that makes me think that I will be a good sub. Im not worried about pleasing my master for the most part. The part that I worried about is the home front. Never been much of a sussie home maker, fear of letting my master down.

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  10. Thank you for your candid post here-- It's quite refreshing to read a human perspective on the D/s roles, as most of what I've been reading has either worried me or seemed like it's based on fantasy/movies/etc. My partner and I are just testing out our D/s roles and it's a lot more comforting to know that a healthy D/s relationship can exist without all the 'micromanaging' as you call it. Thx again!

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  11. i am by nature a dom but have been looking into being a sub for a while now. And you helped me out by getting me in touch with my inner sub. thank you

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  12. im just looking into finally becoming a sub for the first time. my home life is complicated and my Master (if he decides to own me) is really supportive and understanding of that fact. i am nervous as hell about it as it is my first time, but again Sir is totally supportive and understanding of that. every now and then Sir tells me i have been very good and it makes me feel amazing and Sir will occasionally tell me when i have been out of line or am pushing it a little and i feel gutted that i have displeased Sir and as yet im not even owned! i think your post about it was exactly what i was looking for to help me squash the niggling 'what ifs' i have. i wish you all the best in your relationship and i hope i can become as caring a sub as you :) xx

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  13. Your need for consistency is something I can really relate to. As a sub in my first D/s relationship I think it is important to know where the boundaries are. I also find myself acting "bratty" just to see what will happen and to test the system. I see the relationship as mutually advantageous, as I have a need to serve and my Mistress has a desire to be served. We are still in an awkward stage of defining boundaries, because we have both agreed to this situation as an alternative to our (failing) "altruistic" model. Glad to see I am not the only one to have needs that need to be met as a sub.

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  14. I'm going to send this to my sub. I know she will relate to it and like it.

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  15. Again thank you for your awesome insight and posts. I am entering in my first real dom/s relationship. I have always been on the dom side and it would be so nice for someone else to be in control. I'm glad to hear you can voice what you need. As always your post help me in finding my sub side. Thank you

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  16. I too am just entering into a submissive relationship.
    I have been a dominant before but never a sub, so it's hard letting go of the control.
    The thing I struggle with is how to speak to Sir. Any tips on good lines/replies to use?

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  17. I especially love your discussion of expressing your needs. It is something I struggle with a great deal. I am open during play time about my needs but not as much in Daddy's and my day to day "vanilla" life, about my emotions. This is inspiration to grow a pair and develop that. It is a difficult thing when your priority seems to be pleasing another. We make the assumption that our needs might not be in line with our partner's, so we leave our needs behind. But all that does is grow resentment on our part and diminishes the Dom's control by restricting powerful information. Interesting... Thanks!

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  18. Thank you so much i have just recently met my master and she has me all worked up because she's really strict and I'm technically still a virgin at 19 but I feel so comfortable when I have no control over a situation.

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  19. Good.... I hope to read more article about you. I really like As the intensity reaches its height, his right hand ceases raining down on her ass and two fingers dive into her drooling pussy. He rubs at her G-spot.

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