As I said so much has changed in our dynamic these past couple months. I don't even know where to begin. First things first, yes Sir has collared me :) I am ecstatic about that. I had taken a break from writing here for a few different reasons. One: I was a little unsure where I stood with Sir and the lifestyle. Two: I felt very exposed writing about every aspect of our relationship and honestly didn't know if people really cared to hear about my life. Come on, I'm just another human being on this planet, nothing special. So why do I think others want to read about my life when they have their own life which is much more important? Three: due to living situations, Sir and I really don't have the most interesting dynamic when it comes to play sessions at the moment.
After taking this time to step away from writing I learned a few things. One: I know where I stand with Sir now and I have no reason to doubt myself and I enjoy being exposed actually. Two: I'm truly only writing for myself. Yes I am happy others read and am glad you enjoy it, but at the end of the day this blog is for me, and Sir of course. Also I view my blog as a way to give back to the community that has been so welcoming to me. I may have met a few idiots here and there, but that is life. For the most part every person I have met in the lifestyle is wonderful and caring. I just hope I can give back a piece of what they have given me. Three: I learned that D/s is about so much more than the physical. It is fun and exciting to write about play sessions, but that is only one aspect of D/s. We are now forced to focus more on the mental side of D/s due to our living situations. But I must say I am very happy about that. OK, so if you would have asked me that on Wednesday night you might have gotten a different response. Lets just say we went to BaGG and I had my first experience with the violet wand- loved it. Then I was teased all night by Sir; in public! Embarrassing, but erotic. Then before I left to go home he kept me from leaving until he was "done with me" and teased me some more and sent me home wound tight! Anyways, I now have a closer more stable and meaningful relationship with Sir. So although reading of sex and spanking sessions and play is fun, unfortunately there will be less of that for a while. But we are still having fun :)
As I said I am now collared. That is really when things began to change for us. It all began when we met a lovely couple in the lifestyle. They are a new couple. She is a newbie to the lifestyle and he at one time lived a 24/7 lifestyle. They had maybe been together 2 months and she received a collar. Of course I'm happy for them! They are awesome people and so much fun to hang out with. But part of me felt like the biggest failure ever! Here I am, been in the lifestyle for a while now, been with Sir for 9 months or so, been told time and time again I am a wonderful sub and I please Sir and he loves our dynamic- but I still had no collar. I thought After two months the newbie gets a collar but I'm not good enough to get one after 9 months of devotion?! I must really suck at this sub stuff.
I felt like a disgrace! So I talked to Sir. I admit it may have come across as a jealous 5 year old hehe. I said to him "the newbie gets a collar and I am still waiting?! Will I ever get one?! I'm very upset, especially when I think of what a collar represents to me." Then Sir asked what a collar represents to me. I had never thought about it before. I just knew that generally in the lifestyle a collared sub was generally collared because they had pleased their Dom and were happy with them and their training and generally were in a LTR. So I said to Sir that is represents happiness in a relationship and a Dom being pleased with his sub. He said " well, see to me a collar represents a slave and you are no slave." I had never thought of it that way. I have seen many subs that were collared who were in no way a slave so I didn't understand his reasoning. Come to find out, I had not received a collar due to a difference in opinion of what it represents! That changed everything!!!
Here this whole time I had thought he would not collar me because of my ways as a sub. I thought I was failing as a sub when really the reason I never received one was because I am not a slave. So months of wondering what the hell I could do to please him- was for nothing. It wasn't that I did not please him, it was all based on our views of collars. I had been changing my "way of submitting" trying to please Sir when I didn't have to because I already please him. What a relief :) Of course after that conversation we went and bought a collar STAT!! Woo hoo!!!! I am very happy and very thankful.
So that would be the point when our dynamic changed. I definitely am no slave but in a D/s dynamic there are two parts; The physical and the mental. I honestly think Sir had never thought of it that way before. Here's the easiest way to describe it. The physical aspect is the BDSM part: the play sessions, the attraction etc. Generally this is what you have with a play partner or a service top. Pretty much the actions are BDSM. Anyone can swing a paddle or a flogger or spank. It takes much more to get into the mental aspects of D/s. The mental aspects I refer to as D/s. This is the willingness to please and submit and endure punishments. The love and connection felt between a Dom and sub. Sir is the only one I have had the mental aspect with- the D/s factor. So for him to collar me- words can't describe how happy I am.
When Sir bought me my collar I realized we finally have a D/s connection and not just a physical BDSM thing going on. Now our Dom/sub connection meshes with our bf/gf connection. Instead of it just being a playful, only in the bedroom thing, it has turned into a need for me to please him even when it comes to everyday things. I don't just want crazy sex and play sessions and bruises; I mean don't get me wrong- we all know how much I looooooove those things but there is more to life than that. I want the mental aspects that come with D/s. I want that control in everyday situations. No I'm not a slave, but with Sir I find myself willing to do things for him, for his pleasure, that I would not do for anyone else. I don't want to just please him sexually, I want our whole relationship to be pleasing.
After asking time and time again :) I am a very stubborn sub, Sir has come up with a protocol. It's not that I want his total control over me- I still have freedom and I can live my own independent life. It just comes down to him giving me rules and restrictions, I view that as a way for him caring for me and showing his love. I feel cherished and special when he enforces different things. That is what his control shows me. Not that he is egotistical and just wants to boss me around, but that he truly does love and care for me.
So a little about our protocol. Well, I must text him good morning and good night. He likes to know I am safe and asleep and I like knowing as well when he is safe in bed. I feel very lucky when I do receive messages from him at night letting me know he made it home safe. He also came up with low, medium and high protocol. Generally on a daily basis we are at low protocol which includes: wearing my vanilla collar and using my best judgement to make decisions for myself. I love wearing my vanilla collar because it is a constant reminder that though we are not together, he loves me and is thinking of me and wants the best for me. Plus, follow the rules set in place. Medium protocol is for when we are at events or in a scene. I must have my collar on and address him as Sir. I must stay by his side and must ask permission to talk to others or to leave his side. High protocol, I'm not sure when he would enforce this, but it can be at any time. High protocol consists of me wearing my collar and all restraints at all times. I must wear boots, a skirt, thong and preferably a corset or a shirt that Sir has approved. I am not to leave his side or make eye contact nor talk to anyone. The only time I am allowed to speak is to ask permission for something. I admit, it is extreme but I soooooo want to try it! I love stuff like that! Of course not on an everyday basis but I love that amount of control from time to time.
He has enforced a few more rules as things have come up. The newest is my eating habits. As I have mentioned I suffer from an eating disorder. Lately it has got the best of me. I have been on a binge craze for about a month and then started skipping meals trying to get the weight off and due to guilt. So Sir made it a rule that I am not to skip meals. I have to eat something at every meal- even if it is just a salad. It can't be a snack, it has to be an actual meal. So I am willing to follow that. Sir says it's not about pounds or inches- it's about being healthy. I agree with that. My whole life I have tried to be the perfect stick thin model because society says that is how women should look. Also growing up in dance where my value was placed only on my appearance, it's tough to get out of the mindset that I am worthless if I am not perfectly fit and beautiful. I am a perfectionist, I can tell you now I will never be happy with the way I look. Even at my lowest weight of 115, at 5'8" that is pretty thin! Even then, I felt fat and ugly. So after I quit ballet due to my injury, I went in the total opposite direction. I thought, well if I can't be perfect why put in the effort? Why starve myself and limit my food possibilities? I'll never be Barbie, so why waste my time?
I also realized I have been using my weight as a wall so people wont get close to me. I don't mean to sound vain, I hardly am! Believe me, I am the least vain person you will ever meet. But growing up everywhere I went I got attention from every male. I get along better with guys so I wanted guy friends. I couldn't be just friends with a guy because they ALL had the biggest crushes on me! Everywhere I went I was told how beautiful, excuse me I forgot these are teenage boys we are talking about, how "fine my ass" was. I truly got tired of it. Not because I thought I was beautiful, I got tired of it because I could not see what these guys saw in me that was so attractive. So to get away from the attention, I figured if I gain a little weight and am not the skinniest, people wont notice me anymore. I can blend in and stop being the center of attention. That is when the bulimia started. I went from starving myself to eating to gain weight then purging because I felt so guilty and disgusting for consuming so many calories.
After talking with Sir, I realized what I need to do. I am making a big change. First things- I am not stepping on a scale. I am one that worries more about the number than my appearance. Just as I worry about the size of my pants more than my health. So, no worrying about numbers. Second, for my own confidence level I need to lose a little weight and tone. So I am making an effort to start running again and do some weight lifting. Three, I'm doing away with sweets. They start my binge, purge cycles. So if I avoid my triggers I should be better. I am also limiting the amount I eat out. I never touched fast food until I was 19 or 20. My body doesn't like it. After eating healthy for weeks, one trip to a burger joint and I feel like I've ingested poison! Needless to say, my goal is no longer to be thin. My goal is to be healthy and happy in my body. My whole life food has been my enemy, I want to conquer it. After all, food is exactly that. It's food, fuel for our bodies. What is there to fear about food? I honestly could tell you many different things at this point of why to fear food but I am trying to get away from that thought process. It is food, it is fuel and that is it. So fuel your body with the best and not cheap crap.
So that is where we stand right now. I'm sure there will be more rules as time goes on. But as you can see, a lot has changed. :) I look forward to sharing my story with you all again.