Wednesday, February 1, 2012

No Bullshit Guide: Dynamics

Just as submission itself differs, so do dynamics. I doubt you will come across a couple that has the same dynamic as another- ever! It's very individual. It depends on what the couple is looking for and how things naturally progress. But one thing is for sure- everything is consensual. No one enters a dynamic with force, not even slaves. They agree beforehand to give up all rights. I'm going to beat that into your heads :) consensual! Abuse= force, unwanted. BDSM= consensual. Got it?! Consensual ;)

Since dynamics are so individual I'm just going to go over the most well known "labels". Generic guidelines. Then I will tell you about my dynamic with Sir so you can see how one tailors a "label" to fit their desires.

Play Partners

Some people have what they call play partners. It doesn't usually involve a commitment and it's not long term. More they just meet up to engage in BDSM scenes and are usually good friends if nothing else. Play partners can range from service tops/bottoms to a D/s dynamic only for the duration of a scene. Some play partners don't even include sex in their dynamic. It could just involve BDSM play and nothing else.

 A lot of people who refer to themselves as sadists and masochists are service tops/bottoms. There is no mental domination involved- it's just physical. A "service" top is one that performs certain acts that the bottom requests. Which basically in that dynamic the bottom is the one in control. Hell, even I could be a service top! Something I am thinking more about exploring actually. All it means is you negotiate what you want to be done. For instance say I want to be spanked, nothing else. I might find a service top to spank me. I'd tell them my limits, maybe what implement I want and they would stay within those boundaries.

Play partners CAN have a D/s dynamic. But it only happens within a scene. There is no day to day control going on. It ends when the scene does. Sir and I started as play partners and truly didn't really enter a true D/s relationship I'd say until about maybe 8 months ago? Play partners is probably the most broad label out there. It all comes down to figuring out what you and your play partner want things to be like. It could be as serious or as casual as you like.

D/s- Dom/sub relationship

D/s usually indicates a long term relationship. If someone has a sub, they are involved with the person on some level. It doesn't have to be on a romantic level. You can agree to just have a D/s relationship minus the love. But I have found most usually are involved with their Dom or sub emotionally. The level of submission one wants in a D/s dynamic can range anywhere from just a bedroom sub to having pretty much every aspect of your life controlled. To me the major difference between D/s and M/s is that with D/s the sub gets to set their limits and has a say in certain things and they retain their rights. They can choose what aspects of their lives they want the Dom to have control of.

Some agree to try pushing limits whereas some set their limits and don't want them to be tested or pushed whatsoever. A lot find pushing limits is a way to form trust in a relationship. Some, if it is not a hard limit they agree that limits, such as soft limits, can be pushed. D/s can be 24/7 or it can be from scene to scene. It depends upon what the couple prefers.

M/s- Master/slave relationship

Generally an M/s relationship is 24/7 and includes TPE- total power exchange. A slave willingly enters a relationship knowing their rights will be stripped away/ or the Master will have control of all rights/decisions. Some even sign contracts and are then the Masters "property". Not all M/s relationships have contracts. Only if it is agreed upon. Some slaves can still safeword, others don't even retain that right. They just take what the Master gives them. Again, it depends on the individuals and their agreements/contracts.

You will find a lot of slaves wear a collar 24/7 that is locked and the Master holds the key and is the only one who can remove it. It signifies ownership. Others wear collars only at home or at clubs and kinky events and may not have locks. I would go on about M/s relationships but since I have never personally been in one, I don't feel I have the education to give :)

Now for our dynamic. We are in a D/s relationship. I am his sub, his slut and he is my Dom or my Sir. I wouldn't say we are 24/7, but we don't just limit our D/s dynamic to the bedroom or scenes. Kinda in between. I am independent when it comes to my life. All decisions are mine and soley mine when it comes to my career, my daughter and my money. Even in our relationship I have a say. But generally when it comes to the wide scope of our relationship and where we are headed, I feel Sir has final say. He will listen and takes my feelings into consideration, but makes the ultimate decision.

As for what he has control of. The best way to describe it, LOL, when he wants to use his power over me- he does! Perfect example: this past weekend we went out with some friends. He ordered me to kiss them both. If not, I would have to drink a shot of tequila. Lets just say, I was pretty tipsy so another shot, especially tequila (we don't get along), I didn't want or need it! I told Sir "no. That's not me! I'm not the aggressive type. I wait for others to come to me!" I got the famous response "I'm the Dom!" Uh oh! "But...",   "OK, I'm getting you that shot",   "No, no, no! I'll do it Sir!"

I'll have you know I did complete my task! Yet I found myself taking a double shot of wild turkey. Why? Well, I completed half of the task and kissed one, then I went over to the other and made the mistake of telling them about my task. So they decided to play hard to get so I had to take a shot ;) So instead of kissing me, they ordered me a shot of wild turkey. Then here comes Sir, "make it a double cause that's not what I told you to drink." But I didn't order it!!! Dammit! I get in even more trouble cause of anothers actions! Always something! I got my kiss after I took the shot though. Rule of thumb- subbies never win!!!! But if we did then I guess that would defeat the whole purpose of submission, wouldn't it :)

Basically Sir dominates me when he feels like, where he feels like it! Way to abuse your power LOL. If he feels like pulling my hair out of the blue, he does. Or slaps my leg, ass, chest. Whenever the mood strikes- smack! But who am I to complain? I wouldn't have it any other way! It's exciting- really shows me he is the one in control of things. HOT!

If we move in together, I don't see it really turning into a true 24/7 dynamic. We enjoy our boyfriend/girlfriend relationship as well. So having a true 24/7 dynamic would eliminate that which neither of us wants. I think everything would continue as it is. Except for the amount of hot, kinky sex being had would increase drastically! Hehehehehehehe

Although I am not a slave I do view myself as his property. I do wear a collar. I don't know why but the thought of being someones property turns me the fuck on! When it comes to sex that is! The thought of me being HIS personal sex slave to do with as he pleases just drives me wild. I don't get off on being just some random slut who will put out for anyone. But to be his slut , willing to do anything for just him- HOT!!!!! You get the idea.

As for titles- generally most address Doms as Sir and Master is only used in a more committed relationship or M/s dynamic. But Sir sees it differently. He sees the title Master as being thrown around too much by everyone and feels it has lost its importance. So he prefers I call him Sir. Others call him Master while I am the only one who has the honor at this time to call him Sir. Thay may seem odd to others since its kinds backwards from the majority, but every couple is different.

Now I'm going to explain something that is very unique about our dynamic. Only because it's so new to me, actually both of us! It's not for some people- but we've found it works wonderfully for us and it is a  huge part of our dynamic so I feel I have to include it. As most of you know by now, we are poly. We feel it is OK, natural actually to be involved with more than one at a time emotionally. We have been poly as long as we have been together- so a little over a year. People have come in and out of our lives. Nothing serious. Sir has had a play partner before and continues to meet great friends. I on the other hand, have yet to really go out and find another partner. I hadn't had the drive to before and really hadn't met anyone that truly interested me. Basically I have been in the poly dating scene and haven't had any luck!

Recently, I have met a couple people that actually interest me! So that is a first in my book. Don't know where it will end up going. But they are great people and I have so much fun when I do hang out with them. Oh, and talk about attraction :) I'm attracted to them alright. I'm at a point I think where I am finally ready to start to explore my poly side. I felt like I had to establish a very strong relationship with Sir first considering he is my primary and the love of my life! Now that I know we are solid and happy, I feel I can start to open up to possibilities, whatever they may be.

Well I hope this post helped you understand dynamics a bit better. Just remember, it's your choice how you want your relationship to go. You don't have to try and fit into a cookie cutter mold of a relationship. Make it yours!


  1. Thank you, this was very helpful. Do you know where I could find some information on the success rate of 24/7 long term D/s relationships? I am seriously considering that situation and would appreciate any information you can give me. You can contact me at Thanks!

    1. I would really appreciate anything like this as well, i've been thinking more and more about this type of relationship and feel like im with "the one" but with me only being 20, i dont want to risk itjust being a 2 year relationship. i want long term if this is to happen


  2. Is It norm for one to be 15 and want that kind of relationship or think of it?

    1. I don't know if its normal..but I have some advice. I had wanted to have that kind of relationship since I was 15 and suppressed it for a loonnnnggg time. I am just now getting into the scene after realizing that the married life I was living waa another way for me to suppress what I truly felt or needed inside. I'm 33. So yes even after all those matter how hard I tried to suppress it..its still there. So just don't go against who you day you will wake up and realize you wish you had persued it a long time ago

  3. Thank you that helped me a lot to distinguish between them and will help me decide what I'm looking for.

  4. thank you very much this has helped alot

  5. Thank you. This explains alot. My mother and stepdad have a relationship like this, and also, I find I want a relationship kind of like this, even at 15. So, I've been doing some reading trying to figure it out.

  6. Thank you for your honesty.My new friend has asked me for a collar and I have obliged... Being 23 yrs her senior (I'm 48)I have never played as a "Daddy Dom" before.I have no desire to take this dynamic outside the bedroom(yet). It never occurred to me that this could be a progressive thing though...

  7. Thanks so much for this article... I have had some poly friends in the BDSM community for many years and I recently (after careful introspection) decided to take them up on their offer. I am a guy and the party is female domination only. Needless to say I was looking up info for novice subs and was starting to get a little worried. There are an absurd number of "my opinion and no one else's" opinion pieces by subs who I can only assume are 24/7 because of the way they talk. One was discussing how when approach a domme for play and it LITERALLY said that if you can't put your desires second to whoever you are meeting by treating them like "Princess Diana" (yes they mentioned her specifically) that you are "beyond hope" (yes another quote).

    This was all describing meeting someone for the POSSIBILITY of play which had me quite concerned given it never considered that depending on the INDIVIDUAL couple there are differences in how you go about it. It also flew in the face of what my friends had told me about specific counterexample experiences.

    Hearing someone who sometimes takes their relationship outside a scene emphasize the variety of preference was very affirming to hear. The idea of being a slave the second I walked in the hostess' door while still deciding if this was my cup of tea did not sound pleasant.

    Anyways thank you so much for validating the experiences I already knew of directly from my friends. I feel a lot better to say the least to hear someone say "even out of scene play is consensual and depends on the people"

  8. I almost felt like this could have written by me. Everything from the names used to the dynamic, even the poly, is my husband and my relationship as well. Super interesting 4ewd