Friday, January 27, 2012

No Bullshit Guide: What Submission Is/ Isn't

What is submission anyways? That's like asking what hue of purple is the true color purple! It's all in the eye of the beholder. We all bring something different to the table. What one views as the perfect submissive, another may find horrid. Honestly, I find it easier to explain what submission is NOT.

Lets start with the definition of submission: to yield or surrender oneself to the will or authority of another.

The most common misconception I have found about subs is that we are weak and can't think for ourselves. If you look at the definition, you see the word surrender, which means to relinquish control. That implies it is a choice. Which means we do think for ourselves. Subs are the ones who make the decision to hand over control. So yes, we do have minds of our own. Also in my humble opinion, anyone that feels giving up control is for the weak- you are sadly mistaken! For someone to be able to trust another human being enough to give them control- takes strength. We are not mindless weaklings.

Another important thing to remember- submission, D/s is consensual. Submission does not mean that the one receiving your trust can make you do whatever you want no questions asked; Unless that is what you have agreed upon. Limits should be set. You as the sub establish your limits. You choose your safe word. EVERYTHING is consensual. If not then you need to get out of the situation immediately because that is abuse!

Let me clarify- when it comes to first establishing a connection limits should be set and honored. Once you actually enter a D/s or M/s relationship them limits can be tested and pushed if you have agreed upon it and your relationship involves such things. Best way to explain it: you as a sub always have a right to communicate and have input on where you want things to go. I'm not talking TPE here ;)

Now as for what submission IS. I feel it is a very intimate, personal experience. So I can only share my point of view, how I personally submit. Before I get in too deep let me explain something. There are two separate ways to submit- physically and mentally. To me the kinks or play that you are involved in, that's the physical side. Such as: bondage, flogging, spanking, whipping. Then there's the mental side, the willingness and wanting to please, the mindset you are in as you serve, the rules you follow, the rituals or tasks you perform. For the remainder of this post when I speak of submission I am referring to the mental side of things, not the physical.

Here we go :) There are three important aspects to my submission. One, a willingness to please and serve Sir not only for him but for the greater good of our relationship. Second, it truly is who I am 100%- my personality, only magnified. Third, it satisfies not only my mental happiness but my sexual happiness as well. To me D/s is very sexual. For some it is not sexual at all- me, oh it so is!

In my opinion in order to be submissive you have to have a natural want to please another. At times you may be asked to do things that are not your favorite or you would never do unless you were pushed into. If you don't have that want to please you may find you end up walking away saying "fuck that shit! I'm out!" Then again I also think it takes finding the right person as well. You have to be with someone you WANT to please.

I find myself in tough situations now and again. But I know that Sir has my best interest in mind. He doesn't normally demand things, difficult things, unless there's a purpose behind it. So knowing I'm pleasing him by being out of my comfort zone keeps me going. That and trusting him, knowing he has my/our best interest in mind, that's what drives me. It's strange to say but a lot of the things I should do just for myself are more likely to get done if Sir demands it. For some reason if I personally set goals for myself I don't feel they are important enough to reach. Such as eating healthy, going to bed when I'm tired, going back to school. Like I feel I am not important enough to set my goals. But if Sir tells me to, it's like it's been validated. I have a reason to do it then. Sir said so and it will please him. Whereas when I want to do it for myself it doesn't seem so important. I feel almost selfish that I would think to put my own desires first. That's my nature though :) I'm a people pleaser.

As far as I know, I have always been more shy, introverted, withdrawn. I have always put others needs before my own. I'm a natural follower in all relationships, friendship included. But I grew up in a family of strong females. I was taught that women speak softly and carry a big stick. If you are an outsider looking in on my family you would assume that the women are very old fashioned, timid, and the men are in charge and are the breadwinners. When actually behind closed doors the women wear the pants and all the men know it! They know not to argue with any woman in my family because Momma is in charge!

I am very different. I don't want the control, I run from it! It makes me nervous and out of sorts. I am a much better follower and supporter. I am not a leader in any way shape or form. I feel most comfortable in a submissive role. So being in a D/s relationship allows me to be the true me. I don't have to apologize for being somewhat timid. I don't have to be the one in charge, unless Sir demands it which he does from time to time :) "You make the decisions today!" Yes Sir!

Don't get me wrong, not all aspects of D/s are sexual to me. But a lot of it is! I'm not saying that I immediately get turned on when Sir says "get me a cup of water!" but it sure helps me get warmed up :) It's not the actual demand that is a turn on, it's the control he has over me. The control is what turns me on. Nothing makes me melt like when I make a smart ass remark and Sir gives me the look. You know the look! The look that says "Did you forget who's in charge? Oh, you crossed the line on that one and will be punished". That look!!! Knowing that he truly has control of the relationship and me and that I let him have that control over me! That he can take whatever he wants whenever, wherever he wants it. That to me is fucking HOT!!! That excites me as much, if not more than when he actually touches or kisses me. Needless to say, I am always on edge around him. So it is a very sexual thing for me.

There is so much to submission. I think I just touched the tip of the iceberg. I may have to do another post on this after I'm done. I could go on and on. Plus I'm sure I've forgotten half of what I wanted to include in this post LOL. So I will just have to come back to this topic at a later date.


  1. Thank you for writing this. So many perople have so many misconceptions about this type of relationship. I, like you, believe to give up your will to another takes strength and courage so the person we decide to bestow this gift must be carefully chosen. That in itself takes a thought process not seen in most vanilla relationships. Before people judge a little research would be nice instead of basing an opinion on a preception.

  2. Thank you for writing your experience. I'm just beginning myjourney as a sub so I liked hearing about yours

  3. AKG= DADDY'S GIRLOctober 11, 2013 at 1:19 PM

    I just entered this lifestyle, with a man I trust with my life. My ex-husband., it's along story. We came together by accident. We have children together and have remained very close for 13 yrs. As best friends. I have realized that through the years, I have always loved him. I want to thank you for writing this, I'm doing a lot of research on the subject. But I have a very huge problem, would you be interested in giving me some advice?