"If a woman is not submissive to a man it is not because she lacks the ability to submit; rather he lacked the ability to create for her a place in her heart and mind to fall to her knees."
What a beautiful quote- and in my opinion so true! I happened upon this quote on a woman's profile on fetlife. Immediately it caught my attention. To me- this quote encompasses everything submission is. It's not something I freely give to anyone. It's not a "gift" as many say because it's not an object to give away. Rather it is a state of mind that a Dom creates. A safe haven where I can drop all my boundaries and just.....be.
Again, this is my personal opinion based on my experiences. Submission is completely mental for me. It doesn't involve anything physical. When I think of submission- I don't think of bondage or spanking, hair pulling or kneeling, name calling or degradation. I think of someone slowly working their way into my brain and seducing my senses, Making me melt from the inside out. Making me WANT to please them, serve them instead of demanding I do with their own words. The physical aspects- that's just an extension of the mental. An actual way to show I am being dominated and I am submitting. Without that state of mind, I wont submit.
When I first entered the lifestyle I viewed submission in a completely different way. Well, I had no experience submitting to anyone! I just knew it appealed to me. Now that I have actually submitted to a few I know what it involves. Also, talking with many Doms over the past few years- I've gathered different views. I've taken what works for me and discarded what doesn't. The one common theme that was brought to my attention was very hard for me to understand. That theme is this: one of the roles of a Dom is to be a leader essentially. Find out what the sub desires deep inside and help them realize it and bring it out. And not just sexually! Even everyday things that will help the sub become a better, more rounded individual. (if your dynamic includes that of course)
"What? Um, isn't submission just about pleasing the Dom? Come on! They're in charge. They order you around and you do it cause it's ALL about their pleasure." That's exactly what I thought for a loooooong time. In some cases, yes, people are into that and their dynamic is solely based on their Dom's pleasure. But the majority that I've talked to don't feel that way. They feel the subs pleasure, enjoyment is just as important. Even though the sub is in the submissive role- their pleasure is still addressed and valued.
This brings me to a conversation that keeps coming up with a close friend. See, I am very much a people pleaser. It's actually tough for me to voice my wants- let alone endure a scene based on my own pleasure. It's just not me. I feel guilty and selfish and the entire time I'm thinking "well, what about you?!" I am much more comfortable pleasuring someone else than receiving pleasure. I can't explain it- I just am. But my friend keeps asking me "what do you get from pleasing someone else? What's in it for you?" My answer has always been "I don't know. It just gets me off!" I finally understood what I get when I saw that quote. So guess what- I finally have an answer :)
What do I get out of completely focusing on anothers pleasure? Well, when I am in a submissive role- I mean a true D/s connection, not just some random play session. (Because as I said- I only submit when I WANT to please and serve.) When time has been taken and all my boundaries have dropped and I'm at a place where I WANT to submit and am not "ordered" to. When things have been addressed and I've been pushed past my comfort zone not only sexually, but in everyday situations.......I please and serve out of reverence, thankfulness. I please because to me it is the only way I know how to show just how thankful I am for all the things a person has done for me. (besides- I just get off on being manhandled :p) So the question should be- what do YOU get out of pleasing me? What do YOU get out of making my fantasies come to life? What do YOU get out of spending hours, days breaking down my walls? What do YOU get out of pushing me to be a better person? I get so much from a Dom that I could write a damn book! What do YOU get?
You've been asking the wrong question :) I get too much to name- and in return I give my trust, my respect, my body. You create a space for me to feel completely comfortable and beautiful. A place where I know I can fall to my knees- where I can completely let go because I know I will be safe and taken care of in that moment and respected. That's what I get! And in return you get a woman who is grateful and completely open to pleasing the hell out of you! In my opinion D/s is a powerful thing. Not many can make me feel comfortable enough to submit. Let me clarify- as I said before submission is completely mental for me....so I'm not talking about submitting to someone just physically- not BDSM play- but actual submission. The true definition of submission. Moving on :)
You know me- I think things to death. So of course I looked at that quote over and over again. I looked at it from every angle. Then it dawned on me- that quote goes both ways. The Dom is just as vulnerable. Just as willing to please and give what is needed. Not only does the Dom need to create a safe haven for the sub, but the sub for the Dom as well. If there is a mental connection- the Dom trusting the sub is just as important. As I said D/s is powerful- both parties push past boundaries emotionally and physically. That leaves you very vulnerable and open. So it is just as important for the sub to create a safe haven for the Dom. A place where he can be completely open and honest and bask in his evil, sadistic, depraved glory! It's give and take. Each party gives and receives equally- just in different ways. Although one is in the driver seat and the other the passenger- in the end, both are equal. So there is your answer!
Thank you to the one who posted that quote. It has been an eye opener. It allowed me to better understand my submission and why I am the way I am. I hope it has the same effect on others.