Next month will make a year that I have been with Sir. I've been playing around with the idea of writing a book about being a newbie and my first year in the lifestyle and what I have learned. But when I sit and think about it, I can't write a book "preaching" to people- this is how you do it! That goes against everything I have actually learned. I have learned not to judge and to realize everyone has their own way of doing things; as they should. So who am I to say it's done a certain way? Instead I'm writing a short- well try to make it short, I tend to ramble; a short synopsis of the three major things I have personally learned and what I think would benefit others.
How Do You Wokka Wokka?
If I ever learned something from a children's book, it's that "we all wokka in our own wokka way". Huh? In plain English, we all do things our own, unique way. The most important thing I've learned- there is no definitive way to go about BDSM. It can be very frustrating for newbies coming in, looking for an answer in black and white- how do you go about a D/s dynamic? If you are anything like me, you want it in stone right in front of you. Guidelines or step by step directions on how to go about this so called "lifestyle". I'll save you newbies a lot of time- there are no guidelines of a universal D/s dynamic. I know, it's difficult to comprehend, but there just isn't. The only thing you can do is keep an open mind, understand where your personal limits/comfort zone lie and find someone you can trust and your personality meshes with. After that, you're on your own.
The first 4 months after I entered the lifestyle, I chatted with numerous- and I mean way too many damn Doms! Most I never met in person, but I did meet quite a few and I did play with three of them. I may not have met them all in person but I did learn that 1) Every Dom is different, they have their own way of doing things. 2) Each Dom brought out different qualities of my own personality. So I learned the connection and experiences you have are not only based on the Dom and his particular protocol, but strongly depends on your own personality. Some Doms I talked to that had similar protocols- I acted completely different in both instances. Some brought out my playful side, some made me uncomfortable. Some made me feel like just an object, some made me feel my submission was the most precious gift in the world. Some I had no desire to serve except physically, some got to me mentally where I was putty in their hands and wanted to submit to them the minute I saw them in person! Those reactions were strongly based on my personality and what each Dom brought out in me and how our personalities meshed.
The second part I learned was that each Dom has their own way of doing things. What one finds respectful, another may find disrespectful. So remember- there should be a learning curve. Don't expect right away for someone to be pleased with everything. Especially if you have been trained to do things a certain way- it takes a while to get out of the habit and thinking process of what you did with other Doms. Most that I talked to felt that they needed to earn the title Sir- I needed to trust them and they had to want me to call them Sir and trust me as well before I even uttered the word. Some thought it showed respect if you addressed any Dom as Sir. One in particular, told me from the get go that I was not to call him by name- ever. He was Sir; I met him in person. Normally other Doms only wanted me to call them Sir while in scene or in private. With him, as long as no one was in earshot I was to call him Sir no matter where we were. One minute we'd be talking casually and the next he would get this look on his face and his voice would change and he'd say something to the effect of "we're alone now. You can address me properly. Understand?" Ohhhh, I admit I turned to jelly every time he did that! Loved it! But he was too much of a sadist and way too into humiliation for my taste.
One character I met refused to ever be called Sir, he didn't even like the title Dom. "I don't dominate people! I top people!" Whoa, alright- top! That- was a learning experience. That is all I will say about that particular person. With Sir, even though I am collared I still call him Sir because to him it is more intimate than Master. He says the word master is thrown around so much that it has lost its importance. Also he sees it as a title that a slave uses and not a sub. I'm no slave so he says to use Sir. So while his play partner calls him Master, I am the only one that calls him Sir.
Some Doms expected me to take my clothes off the minute I walked through the door. Some wanted me to only wear panties. Some said I wasn't allowed to take my clothes off unless I was instructed to or I asked permission. Some wanted me to kneel and only stand and walk when told to. Some wanted me to crawl on my hands and knees to remember my place at all times. Some I was to look them in the eye whenever I talked to them, some I could not make eye contact unless instructed. Some wanted me to talk nonstop, some restricted my speech and I was only allowed to answer yes or no questions. You get the idea- many variations. We all wokka in our own wokka way. So essentially as a sub, it comes down to this: are you comfortable and willing to do the things demanded by your partner? Do you like the person you are around that particular individual? Do you trust them? If you said yes, then wokka away in your own wokka way and don't apologize for it. You may come across individuals that do things differently or feel you are doing things the wrong way- but again, there is no right or wrong way to submit or dominate. They wokka their way, you wokka your own way. As long as everyone is happy- fuckin wokka whatever way you want!
There's Mental and Then There's Physical
I'm going to use two separate instances, two Doms that I met to illustrate this point. Now there is a mental side to submission and there is a physical side. I've heard some refer to the mental aspect as D/s and the physical as BDSM. But I think that gets too confusing because D/s is part of the acronym BDSM! So I will call the mental side D/s- the actual mental aspect of a dynamic and I will call the physical- play. Essentially anything done physically is called play, so why not? An easier way to think of it- think of play, the physical as anything you would do with a play partner. It doesn't go past the scene, there is no mental connection or urge to please them in everyday life. It's more of an attraction per say. D/s is the mental side- the willingness to step out of your comfort zone for someone. The reason behind the submission, the connection you have for your partner no matter how deep it goes- whether it be based on trust, respect or love. D/s is when you actually let someone in and you open up to them and they get to know YOU.
Play is the generic and D/s is the brand. Lets take my favorite for instance- blow job. Generic- never met a guy that didn't like it! Mouth, cock, suck- basic, generic. In order to push it over the edge from "yeah, a blow job feels good" to "fuck! That's the best blow job I've ever had!" you need to know what pleases your partner the most. What drives them crazy? What will have them moaning in pleasure? What will it take for them to grab a handful of hair or grab your ass? What will make them curse? That's how I gage things he he. What will make them unable to hold still and fuck your mouth? What will.... wait a minute. Sorry, got carried away with that one. Like I said- one of my favorites.
I never understood when a women say "I hate sucking cock" what?! I'd do it everyday if I could. Seriously, there is nothing like it, for an instant you have a little bit of power. YOU are the one that is making them moan. YOU are the one that makes them cum. YOU are the one that makes them so lost in pleasure that they are vulnerable in that instant. Hell you could even bite! Hehehehehe- I did that mostly because I know some guys are sitting there reading this thinking "yeah that sounds so good.... Jesus Christ on a cracker!" Just kidding, I would never do that. Or would I? I do tend to bite- other places.
I digress, sorry when I start talking about cocks I tend to do that. OK, so D/s is the brand. In D/s you delve deeper and pick apart things and really know what a partner is made up of and what the thought process is behind things. One Dom I met and played with, we had a generic play thing going. We talked, did checklists, discussed hard limits. We got to know the basics and met. So when we were in scene it was just awkward. It was fun, I learned from the experience. But he kept ordering me around and I would defy him. He told me to put my hands on the headboard and not to move. I immediately thought "no! Why? Just because you told me not to?" I had no urge to please him, so I didn't do what I was told. It was honestly boring. I have to have a reason behind my submission- if I don't care about pleasing you, it's just boring. I realized I don't enjoy just the physical- the play- it does nothing for me. If it did I'd just date some chauvinistic pig that likes to boss women around.
No, I have to have the mental aspect- that is what draws me to BDSM, that's what excites me. One Dom in particular had a big impact on that. Even though we ended up not playing together, the conversations we had taught me so much and effected me in ways I didn't even know were possible! I will always respect this man and thank him for just being the gentleman that he is. He also is the very first Dom I talked to and he introduced me to fetlife and showed me just a glimpse of the public scene in SF. So thank you Brentar :) You are such a gentleman. When we started chatting I was brand new to BDSM so I was essentially lost. We began discussing a project he was looking for a sub to help him with. It peaked my interest. Hell, who am I kidding? I still think about that project and want to be part of it. But at the time there was no way I was ready for something that intense. He knew that better that I did thankfully. So it didn't end up happening- smart man, knowledgeable Dom. That's what happens when you have 20+ years experience! :)
Anyways, so we chatted online for quite a bit before we even decided to meet in person. He did things quite differently from the Dom before. He is a total mental player; the project had a lot to do with mental play. Had a lot to do with sensual humiliation. Trust and desire for that particular project were key. He totally wanted to get into my mind and essentially I had to have a particular mindset. I remember I was in awe at the way he described D/s- it was beautiful. He made it sound like art. He is what you refer to as a sensual Dom. Everything is based on pleasure, his pleasure of course he he. We talked pretty much every night before meeting in person and he explained in detail what was expected of me and how I would have to prepare myself for him. He had me go two weeks without touching myself and no orgasms- while he taunted me the whole time with this project of his. He said he wanted me on edge when we met and wanted the project to always be on my mind. Needless to say I was the most fuckin frustrated I had ever been in my damn life! It got so bad that I would shake when we chatted because the mere thought of the project excited me. Jesus, just thinking of it right now has me wet! You get the point, he essentially dominated me mentally and not just physically. I could barely walk to Wicked Grounds from BART to meet him because my legs were so shaky. But I ended up so nervous when I met him in person I completely shut down lol. So we didn't end up taking part in that project.
Due to that experience I know I need that mental aspect. It excites me, it drives me. I know the potential to be had when it comes to mental play because I've experienced it. Having experienced that, I now understand the distinction between true domination and "play". I know personally just "play" does nothing for me. I need that mental aspect even if it is just within that scene and doesn't involve everyday life. I need that mental click in order to submit, bottom- whatever you want to call it with anyone. That is why I will only play with others I know well. I don't do casual and I don't do things just for physical gratification. I need to know the why behind demands and need to be stimulated mentally or else, personally it is as boring as folding clothes. That's why I am so into mind fucks. You are mentally engaged the whole time. I'm not one that's going to do something just because you call yourself a Dom and tell me to. I'll only do it if I know the intention behind it. Because the intention is what excites me, not the act itself. Of course except when I'm spanked until my skin is tender and I'm in subspace and shudder at a brush of a fingertip- then it's all about the physical! :)
So to close, I learned there's mental aspects and physical aspects. To have an actual D/s dynamic- you need both. Some just enjoy the physical and that is the only reason they are in the lifestyle. There's nothing wrong with that, it's perfectly fine- but it wont do for me.
We're Called Submissives, Not Doormats
The definition of submit: to GIVE OVER or yield to the power or authority of another. It has to be given, which means there is thought behind it. We have brains, minds of our own that we use to make the decision to hand over that power. So many say subs are doormats and don't have a backbone and can't think for themselves. Not true! Without us willingly letting you have power, there wouldn't be submission. It would be called assault or rape! No matter how docile a person is, they still have a mind and decide on their own to put themselves in a submissive role. However much control they want to hand over is up to them- but it still takes thought.
So don't ever let someone call you a doormat. You might be one that enjoys being totally dominated in every aspect of your life, that's fine, whatever floats your boat- but that in no way makes you a doormat or a mindless sack of potatoes. So don't ever let someone break you and make you feel less than- that's not domination, that's bullying. You may enjoy humiliation, but there's a thin line between humiliation play and just being a bully. You can play at it, but don't get it in your head that you are nothing but an object. No one deserves that type of treatment- your submission should be cherished. You may like humiliation, but still demand respect when all is said and done.
So that is what I have learned in the past year of being a submissive. I try not to preach. Remember, you are never done learning. I have only just begun learning and I have years ahead of me and I know I will continue to learn with each new situation I find myself in. I just know that now I am more secure with who I am as a sub and know my limits and needs. I have come so far in a year. I look back on the little newbie I was a year ago and feel bad for her lol. She was so lost and naive. But again- I still have a long ways to go. Life is a learning process. Thinking about what I want in the future- I hope to explore more of the mental aspects of things with Sir. As I explained before I know the potential to be had and I trust and love Sir like no other so I want nothing more than to explore these things with him.