Slave, bottom, submissive, masochist..... Labels, I hate 'em! Why? I don't fit any of them. I have slave tendencies, sub tendencies and masochistic tendencies. So when I identify as a sub, that doesn't cover my personality adequately! I was aware of this before, but after reading a book recently- Conquer Me, By: Kacie Cunningham http://www.amazon.com/Conquer-girl---girl-fulfilling-submissive/dp/189015976X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1315719352&sr=8-1 I highly recommend this book, great read- it made me realize how much I differ from the "definition" of submissive. Now I don't know what the hell to call myself. I fit all the above labels in one way or another; just as I differ from the stereotypical label.
So you know what I say? Screw labels! Just as Kacie said, I'm a pancake. Why? Cause none of the labels fit me- so I don't want to feel the need to have to fit in the little boxes people have made to describe each label. So might as well call me a pancake. No, I'm not stealing her glory, she can keep her pancake analogy. From now on when someone asks me how I identify in the lifestyle I'll say: "I'm an SSBMS- slave, submissive, bottom, masochistic switch". In short- a little here, a little there. If they want specifics they can read this:
Before I dive in, let me explain that these are my personal definition/thoughts of each label. I'm not saying "this is THE definition", we all have different opinions of the specifics. So I don't want you all to think I'm so close minded that I don't find the definitions open for interpretation. :) Moving on!
My understanding of a slave is it is a person that gives ultimate authority to another. They are considered the Master's property, so all decisions are the owners- the Master. Although slaves are the individual in the "submissive" role, not all have a naturally submissive personality. Some actually love force being used. They enjoy being told to do things that they may not even enjoy themselves. That is where I think my slave tendencies come in. I may have a naturally submissive personality, but I enjoy being forced to do things that are not my favorite. Something about that just gets to me- I melt.
Before when I endured punishments, I definitely did not want to go through with them, but I did it anyways. In the end they were tasks given to me to learn. So although I didn't want to do the things asked of me- in the end it always worked out as somewhat enjoyable- for two reasons: 1) I was forced and put in an uncomfortable situation, my limits were tested. 2) In the end, after all was said and done, it was enjoyable. I may not have liked it when the actual act was taking place. But I enjoyed the results.
This next one is difficult to explain. I like the idea of being owned, someones property- but I am not into TPE. I would never give all my rights over to another. I'm too independent and stubborn. Plus I don't want EVERY aspect of my life to be controlled by another. But the idea of being anothers property- I love it! Like when Sir calls me his toy sometimes. He says "I take care of my toys. If not I'll have a broken toy and that's of no use to me." What I like about it so much is not the fact that I'm thought of as an object- although it is enjoyable under the right circumstances and in increments- but that I feel cared for and protected. For someone to care enough about my well being and that they want me to be theirs- makes me feel very loved and safe.
Slave tendencies: love force and being owned
Things that don't fit the definition: Not into TPE and naturally submissive personality.
Now submissive's generally have naturally submissive personalities and serve their Dom out of reverence, love and the deep need to please others. I definitely fit that description. I was born submissive. In all aspects of my life I am a follower, not a leader. At work, friendship, family and relationships- I take a back seat and let others have the control. Also I feel my submission to Sir comes from a place of reverence. I respect him so much. Also it comes from love. I am a people pleaser- I want everyone I come in contact with to like me and want to make them happy. So naturally in a relationship that is magnified. Due to my love and respect for Sir I have a deep desire to please him in every humanly possible way.
Although I may be naturally submissive, I'm not a doormat. I'm not your typical meek, little woman. I will stand up for myself if need be and will not let others take advantage of me. That's why I say I'm a sassy, bratty sub. I will submit, but I have my moments and I wont completely submit to just anyone. I feel you should earn my submission, just as I must earn your respect and dominance.
Sub tendencies: deep need to please, service out of reverence and naturally submissive.
Things that don't fit the definition: I'm no pushover! :)
The partner in a relationship/scene who takes the passive, receiving role. They generally are not in a D/s relationship- their role only pertains to the actual scene. They don't submit to the Top outside of the scene, there is no need to please or serve the Top. I think of it this way: the physical aspects, no mental play. The actual act of being flogged or spanked etc. Say I go to a club and I want a spanking- so I ask another to spank me. In that instance I am in a bottom role. I have no relationship with that person outside of the spanking session. Plus I asked them to assume a top role. So I'm not really submitting at all- I'm the one who requested their services.
So, in most instances I wouldn't say I'm a bottom. But I do enjoy if from time to time. Sometimes I want to experience something new- like the violet wand. But Sir has no experience with it, nor the equipment. Like my first experience with the violet wand was at BaGG, with Mr. William. He is there every week with his violet wand :) So for that experience I was a bottom- I was on the receiving end and I requested it. Some are only into that type of play. I admit it is enjoyable but I prefer to have a D/s relationship with the people I play with. I find it much more enjoyable to have that connection and history with my partners. So although I am open to being a bottom- it's not my first choice.
A masochist is a person that receives pleasure from pain or humiliation- often sexual. I admit I can handle pain and even enjoy bits of it here and there. But it's not the actual pain that excites me. I don't go into a situation just looking for pain. Like some enjoy needles or punching. That is the only goal- to feel pain. Me, I want pleasure mixed with some pain here and there. I feel it adds to the pleasure and heightens the senses. I enjoy spankings, but then I like my skin rubbed after- it gives me goose bumps. Or a bite on the neck followed by a soothing kiss. I love the shock of the pain, then the kiss after just adds to it and melts me. Erotic pain if you may.
There is one aspect though that I enjoy and that is flogging. I don't know what it is. But a good flogging and I am in heaven. I get in a zone- close my eyes and just wait for the next blow and wonder if it will be on my shoulder? Leg? Back? Light? Hard? That is my one masochistic downfall :) I could endure that all night.
Masochistic tendencies: enjoy pain in some forms.
Things that don't fit the definition: Not in it just for the pain itself.
Someone who enjoys being in both a dominant and submissive role. I used to think I was a total subbie. But after a few comments, I have been told by quite a few "wow! You have a sadistic streak!" For the longest time I denied it. But come to find out- I do have quite the sadistic streak :) I do not want to be in a dominant role- not at all. But I do have my moments where I just for fun play poke the Dom to see how far I can push him before he snaps and I thoroughly enjoy every minute of it. So you could say I am sadistic in a mental way he he.
I never do anything with the intention of being dominant- I do it specifically for the fact that I like to annoy Sir and stir up his emotions so he uses his force on me. I also have moments where I will take charge of a situation but am so subbie it passes so quickly! Like I'll go up to Sir and push him against a wall, pull his hair and kiss him. But one tug of my hair or slap on the ass and I'm putty in his hands.
Switchy tendencies: sadistic streak.
Things that don't fit the definition: Don't enjoy being in a dominant role.
So all this leaves me wondering: what the fuck do I identify as?! Considering I most closely fit the description of a sub- for ease I'll continue to identify as a sub. But for those who want to know the true me: I'm an SSBMS- slave, submissive, bottom, masochistic switch. Someone who loves force and being owned, with a deep need to please out of love and reverence who enjoys being on the receiving end in a scene and enjoys pain in some forms and a sadistic streak.
Or if we are going with the food analogy: I'm a combo pizza. In other words, a little bit of everything.