Everyone talks about the awesome sexual encounters they had. No one ever wants to talk about the bad ones- especially if it's something you vow to never do again- ever. Yeah I've had a few of those moments. I figure- why not share! I may also be able to aide in others making the same mistakes I did- believe me, they were not worth it. They can be comical actually. Since I'm one that will try anything once you can imagine some of the predicaments I've gotten myself into- let's share shall we?
Bad Idea #1- Pop Rocks
Pop Rocks- yum. Giving head- fun. Swallowing- actually a big turn on to me. Separate- they're all great so one would think if we combine all these it would be fun times! Um- not so much. I just threw up in my mouth a little. Excuse me a minute- BLAH! Never Again! Who the hell came up with this idea? And why did I go along with it? Bad! Bad! How do I get talked into these things? Now the receiver- he fucking loved it! Me- you try holding Pop Rocks in your mouth and sucking cock without drooling and getting sticky- ugh! You know how it is when you eat- your mouth like decides to quadruple the amount of saliva! Yeah- add to that cum and Pop Rocks- fuckin death!!! OMG! Worst thing ever! But I'm a good sport, I think- maybe green apple just isn't a good combo with cum, let's try watermelon. Cause you know- when I think cum I immediately think watermelon is a complementary flavor! WTF! Nothing! Nothing compliments it- its cum! Watermelon- even worse than green apple. Girls- don't do it. Just- just take my word for it. Your man may love it- but if you do decide to go against my helpful advice- under no circumstances should you EVER- swallow. Fair warning. Never Again!
Bad Idea #2- Sex on the Beach
No, I'm not talking alcoholic beverages here- those are great! But actually having sex- on a beach. It sounds fun, romantic, a rush because you could get caught. All these things will mean nothing when sand gets in every crevice and I mean every crevice- it will not be fun or romantic anymore. It will just be a painful experience that you will be reminded of for the next week when you are still trying to get sand out of places! Never Again!
Bad Idea #3- Drunk Sex
Of course it's OK to have sex while intoxicated. It may not be the best experience because you are both so drunk you can't see straight and your just reaching for things. It's fine if you're both wasted, you'll both suck equally. But never ever have sex with your partner when you are the only drunk one! Never engage in sex with a sober person when you are three sheets to the wind! Not only will your head be pounding the next day while your partner busts out laughing every time they start to tell you about the night before. But you wont remember anything so you wont know if what they are telling you actually happened or if they are just playing a cruel joke on you and making things up just to mess with you. Until they produce the pictures to prove it! Never again!
Bad Idea #4- Honey
Why do people always want to bring food into the bedroom? Seriously. And why do I always go along with it? I'm sure most of us have tried the chocolate syrup or the whipped cream. So cliche- or so my partner thought. They wanted to try something different. What was his brilliant idea? Honey. You know that wax they wax your eyebrows with at the salon? Honey wax! You get the picture. Honey left on your skin- gets sticky, very sticky. I could have taken a strip and applied it to his chest and ripped! I so wanted to because I can't stand chest hair! Never again!
Bad Idea #5- Stick to sex toys
People- if you are going to involve objects in your sex life, use toys. Not something someone thought would be interesting or different. Not only will you be scarred for life and picture the horrible, horrible experience every time you see this object out in the real world; you wont be able to look your partner in the eye for a week! Yeah- stick to toys. Never again!
Bad Idea #6- Sex in a park
Now- I know this might not be the best idea in the world. You might think, why a park? Seriously? I don't know! It just happened! It would have actually been quite a rush but it really killed the mood when a police officer came and interrupted me riding my boyfriends cock! If you do this you will soon find yourself riding in a police car down to the station for indecent exposure! Never again!
I could seriously go on and on. But I think I have passed on enough wisdom tonight. Be smart, be safe! Don't swallow, say no to sand, stay sober, hide the honey, just avoid toys and don't ever go to a park unless you have a child. If you follow my advice all your sexual experiences should be great!