Monday, November 22, 2010

New Outlook

Yes folks- another poly post. "Ugh- not again! I thought this was about your journey as a submissive- not your poly journey!" I know, I know- but it is something that has been on my mind a lot lately just because it's so new and I'm just amazed that it can work! It's one thing to say you're poly- it's another to actually be in a poly relationship.
So I feel like this past month has been a little crash course- I fumbled around and put everything into perspective and figured out the gears and turning radius etc. Now I finally feel comfy with it and know where everyone stands so I can actually relax and enjoy my journey. I'm sure there might be issues that come up but we will work on them and fix them as they come along. For now- happy days are here again!

As I said before polyamory was something I began to think about as a teen. But I thought- oh, it could never work. There would be drama and nonstop problems. Plus, how many do you know out there that are open to it? I thought there was no way I would ever be able to be in the type of relationship I truly wanted. I knew even then as a teen that in order for something such as poly to work there had to be total open communication and everyone needed to get along. Also, with open communication I knew you would be able to have a more intimate, caring connection. It wouldn't be a selfish type of connection- you would care more for the other because those feelings you develop in so many relationships of spitefulness and feeling held back are obsolete. That's what really drew me to polyamory was the deep connection you can have with someone. There's no need for drama or misunderstandings because you don't have to hold things back or feel guilty about emotions. You just tell it like it is so there are no secrets. That to me is true intimacy- to really know what a person is feeling no matter what- that is the closets connection I think you can have with someone. To me it is so rewarding because everyone ends up so much happier in the end without those complications.

I truly thought there was no way a relationship like that could ever work. I thought jealousy would get in the way and spitefulness. Who wants to share someone they love with another? How can you love more than one at a time? Plus- people lie and hide things, there would never be total open communication. So I lay it to rest and I went with monogamy. I dated my first serious boyfriend for 4 years- the whole time we were dating he had another girlfriend. Surprisingly- it wasn't the fact that he had another girl in his life that hurt- it was the lying and the cover up. I totally trusted him and he lied to my face time and time again- that hurts. I could care less he was with another because I knew that he still cared for me- he was just a guy, couldn't keep his dick in his pants. I know monogamy is hard- maybe that's why so many cheat and 50% of marriages end in divorce. Maybe we're not wired to be monogamous like we thought. Or not men at least he he. I don't mean to sound rude or ridiculous- but it seems to me women are the ones that prefer monogamy more to men and men just try and follow because it has been made a bad thing to go out and "spread their seed" per say. Women are more the nurturing type that want that comfort and that familiarness. Men- not so much. They get bored quickly and I think were just made with stronger sexual desires. Of course it's hard for them to stay monogamous- oh and also add to that the fact that women are way more sexy than men- of course it's harder to resist! Think about it ladies- our bodies are much sexier to look at than a mans- how could you resist if you were a man? Seriously.

I think people lie and hide true feelings for another in a relationship because we were taught that we can only love one at a time when that's honestly not how our heart is made. If it was- we would have one true love, not be capable to feel anything for another. But you can love your parents, your children, your significant other all at the same time. They may be different types of love but you're still capable of loving more than one. So why is it bad or impossible to have a romantic connection with more than one at a time? That's like saying you can only love one of your children when you have three. It's not wrong or impossible to love more than one romantically at the same time. That's just how we are- we are capable of loving more than one. So honestly when you think about it the only difference between being polyamorous and monogamous is the honesty factor. It's just up to each person how they will emotionally handle these connections. Yes it's natural to be jealous of another- but that just comes from our own insecurities of not being good enough or important enough. That we'll be abandoned. I'm guilty of those thoughts myself. That's honestly what I had to conquer this past month- was feelings of inadequacy and fear of abandonment and them having a deeper connection with another. But I finally laid those feelings to rest. I'm not saying they wont creep up on me from time to time- but I will just be honest and communicate.

This past month I spent hours reading about poly relationships and dealing with those feelings of jealousy and I joined poly groups and spoke to others that have been poly for years to ask advice and what they have learned. I felt obsessed doing all that research but I'm glad I did because now I know polyamory is possible and it is for me. Plus- in the short time that I have been in this situation I have grown to care for both Kinky and Hottie a lot and didn't want to just walk away and say "forget it! I can't handle these feelings of inadequacy!" I care too much now to just walk away and say forget it all. They are both awesome individuals and I want them to stay in my life. I may not know Hottie all that well yet but I still care for her as a person.Plus- I gave Kinky my word I wasn't going anywhere unless he decided he was done with me. We both have worries of abandonment due to our pasts and I am sticking to my word. I'm sticking around and working through whatever feelings I need to work through because I'm not giving up on something that makes me so happy.

If what I've experienced in this short amount of time with polyamory is any indication of what is to come- I can't wait to see where it takes me. I've only had a glimpse of it. So far now that I'm comfortable with it and understand it better- it is so rewarding and wonderful. I think the only reason it is working so well so far for me is because of the person I'm with. Kinky is just as honest and open and caring as I am- without that it wouldn't work. I now know- honesty is the key to have a successful experience. Instead of having feelings of jealousy and spitefulness- it's the total opposite- because we are free to communicate about our wants and needs and connection with others. It eliminates those feelings completely. You're not spiteful of the other because you have to hide and be ashamed of feelings for another- you can just say it and feel it. It frees you of that drama.

Since Kinky and I are so open with one another- it works. I think as long as that openness stays- we'll continue to grow in our connection and our connection with others. Now- because we are so open about everything I've come to not only care about Kinky but for Hottie as well because she is part of the connection. Yes I know Kinky and Hottie have a separate connection just as I and Kinky have a separate connection- but it seems there comes a point where the lines blur and through my connection with Kinky I feel a connection with Hottie. Especially since she is such a caring individual and I love the way she approached me from the beginning. So now- not only do I care and want Kinky to be happy- I care for and want Hottie to be happy. I think it is a balance between all partners for the connection to be successful- no matter how deep the connection is with any partner. Whether it be just play partners or something more- everyone plays an important role in making it work smoothly. If one partner is not happy about something- that in turn effects the others in the dynamic. So I think the only way for it to be successful is for everyone to work together and care for everyone involved and not just care about ones individual connection with their partner- but care and nurture each connection in the dynamic. So not only do I care and want my connection to grow with Kinky, I want Hottie and Kinky's connection to grow stronger as well and I'll always respect and take care of everyone involved- just as I hope they would want to take care of me as well.

I've been thinking more and more about it- I actually talked to one Dom that I respect a lot. He has been in the lifestyle for almost as long as I am old. He is in an open relationship himself and has been for years. I've noticed now- generally speaking that most I've come across that are poly in the lifestyle are switches. I have only come across one that is a sub. Some live the lifestyle 24/7, some turn it off and on when they feel like it. Myself- I wouldn't say I want to live it 24/7 but I want to always be aware of my place as a sub. Not that I want every single part of my life to be controlled- that would get boring. But just gentle reminders during the day and when I am with my partner that I am not the one in control. When I submit to someone I submit completely. It is not something I can turn off and on when I want to. So me as a sub having multiple partners does not work. If I have more than one Dom in my life- that would create problems. I'm not just the type that is submissive in a scene and that's it- I am submissive all the time. So I can't see myself submitting to more than one Dom- I wouldn't be submitting- I would only be giving part of myself and that to me is not submission. I view submission not only as physical but mental as well. So I can only submit to one Dom at a time. I can't give myself completely to more than one- if someone is in control- they are in control. If you bring in more than one that is in control- it would be like a tug of war I think. If one wanted you to do something that went against what the other wanted- I would be torn on which to follow, because I want to please both. So no- I don't want to be a slave- being controlled in every aspect of my life. But as far as the lifestyle goes- I think I can only submit to one. I asked my friend "am I right in my thinking that it only works with one Dom in a situation?" He completely agreed- he said he had never been in a situation where there was more than one Dom- but only multiple subs and one Dom. If there were to be another Dom involved it was only if the Dom decided that he wanted his sub to submit to another and it was only for a short amount of time or just a one time thing. That to me makes more sense and shows the control is still not in the subs hands. I wonder what others opinions are- share, comment.

So I've been thinking- there are two parts to me- there is everyday Mariposa and then there is sub Mariposa. Everyday Mariposa includes family, friends, job, money etc. Then there is sub Mariposa which is basically anything to do with the lifestyle- mostly anything physical but also relationships (honestly- there is no way in hell I could ever go back to a plain old vanilla connection, it most definitely has to involve kink now). Ultimately- as a sub I want the Dom to have total control of all aspects of our connection when it comes to the lifestyle. So I don't see it as my choice of whether I submit to another- it is my Dom's choice. I like that control and I admit I like men that are possessive he he. So when it comes to polyamory I don't see myself having another partner unless it is agreed on by both parties or chosen by my Dom. But that's just me- I know everyone is different.

I am so happy at the moment with everything. I finally feel like I  know what the hell I'm doing and where I am supposed to be. Before I felt like a fish out of water- fumbling around not really comfortable and no idea what the hell I was supposed to do or where the hell I was supposed to be. Now I feel like I have a place and I have people in my life that care for me and I care for them. I look forward to seeing just how rewarding this journey will be if it is already this awesome after such a short amount of time.

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