Wow- I don't know why but these posts keep getting harder and harder to write. You'd think it would be easier since I've done it so often. Maybe because every time I write about my experiences I think I'm showing more and more of myself to everyone. Especially Kinky- he gets to know every thought that went through my head- that makes me feel very vulnerable. Also I don't think my writing could ever do the experience justice. Plus I have so many emotions going on right now that I don't even know where to start. Yes- I'm going to gush again- if you don't like it then don't read.
Well another trip to BaGG this week. I love going there because you're just free to be you and also it's one of the only times I get to spend a big chunk of time with Kinky. We are both busy people- so, for me anyways I'd love to be able to see him more often than I do but we have responsibilities and lives. But every time I see Kinky I walk away feeling we have an even closer connection. But I especially love BaGG because it seems like those nights are really the nights when we connect the most. Alright- mushy alert! Doesn't happen often so enjoy it. I don't know what it is about Kinky, but he just makes me happy. Honestly everything in life is easy to label and put in categories. Like generally you have your friends, your family, your boyfriend/girlfriend or Dom/sub, Master/slave. But with Kinky for me I can't really put a label on what we are. Not that it even has to be labeled, but so many ask me to label things and it gets really annoying at times. I wouldn't just call Kinky a boyfriend because he isn't just that one individual thing. Plus to me boyfriend sounds so middle school hehe. Not only is he someone I care for deeply, love. He's someone I can talk to about anything and I feel completely comfortable around him. We could spend the evening just talking and I'd be just as happy with that as I am going to BaGG or playing. So- friend? Most definitely. Boyfriend/partner- whatever you want to call it? Yes- I prefer partner I guess. My Dom? Yes I do consider him my Dom. I trust him and enjoy when we play and I respect him. He is actually the one person at this time that I completely trust to take full control of the situation. That takes a lot- I don't trust easily.
I realized at BaGG this week that I do truly consider him my Dom- I am his. He addressed me as his partner at BaGG instead of just friend and that made me happy. I like others to know he's with me and I am with him. It makes me happy to be addressed as a partner or sub because it makes me feel accepted and cared for. That someone would be proud enough to voice that I am with them makes me very happy. Also it pushes me to open up completely and give my all. For the first time in a long time I am willingly giving my all and asking for nothing in return.
Before relationships were about what I got out of it- was it really worth my time to give them everything? Most of the time I thought "No, it's not. They aren't giving me anything in return except heartbreak and stress." But with Kinky I give my all and ask for nothing in return. But he gives me so much. He is definitely one of the most caring people I've ever met and he actually notices the things I do for him and appreciates them. I have not been appreciated in a long time- I lived with a ghost for 7 years of my life. He sucked every ounce of my happiness and will to live dry. He didn't acknowledge me for the last three years of our relationship. I was on my own. So it's nice to actually feel like I exist! :)I've been trying to let go with Kinky for a while and be my true self. I really hold back a lot when it comes to many things. But I think I can say I let go completely this past week. I did hesitate at times but ultimately I did the things I wanted to and I was confident for the first time in a while. So hopefully I just keep getting more and more comfortable in my own skin.
So there I was getting dressed again in something I would never have worn 3 months ago. I wore a patent leather mini dress, strapless, tight, hook and eye closure in the front that showed a little skin. I had tried the dress on the day before and was very confident in the way I looked. I thought "damn I look good!" Which is big for me! I never think I look good, let alone damn good. But that night- after I got dressed I looked in the mirror and literally started hyperventilating. OMG! WTF and I doing? I can't leave the house like this! It's disgusting. After a bit I calm down and think hey, people twice your size walk around in a g-string and tape! So there is no reason why you can't go in a short dress. Everything is completely covered. Snap out of it! Besides- it's not about what everyone else thinks. It's not even about what you think yourself. It's about what Kinky thinks of it and you know he's going to like it so suck it up and be confident.
After an hour and a half of trying to do something with my crazy ass hair I finally said fuck it and pulled it back. My hair hates me! It's red and curly and frizzy and you can only do so many things with it- it's just not pretty. It has a mind of its own. I'm way too nervous to be doing my hair anyways. So I go and do my little ritual now I guess. If there was any way my ass was going out in public in that dress- I had to clear my mind. So I turned on some music and got in my little zone. I started feeling my confidence return slowly. I had this elaborate plan of what to do before we left for BaGG but we were running late so I didn't get to go through with it. I had vowed to myself that I would be completely me that night. No one would ever suspect but generally in my past- I have been the one in charge in my relationships. It honestly isn't my thing- I am very submissive- but I'm the type that is usually very feisty and I love to tease. I like to get my partner so hot and bothered that they finally end up jumping on me out of pure lust. That is when I let them take control- once they can't stand the teasing anymore. So for me to be the one who gets all hot and bothered with Kinky has really made me feel out of my element. I'm not usually the one who can't control themselves. Plus it's a bit tough to tease when you yourself are in pure bliss.
So at the beginning of the night I thought well there goes my plan. Now I have to be the good little sub. That night I finally got to meet two of Kinky's friends that I had been dying to meet for a long time. They are poly as well. But I was most excited to meet, lets call him Tasty. Why? Because every time even his name is mentioned Kinky gets this look on his face of pure bliss. So I wanted to see who this man was that got to him so much. His partner, lets call her Bombshell because she herself said she likes to think of herself as a bombshell. So, Bombshell I was a little worried about meeting just because I generally don't get along with many females- too much drama and I don't like drama. Plus she is younger and I also don't connect with younger people- even more drama!
So we get to BaGG- here they come Tasty and Bombshell. I see Tasty first and I'm thinking this is the guy that makes you go crazy? Seriously? But within 5 minutes of talking to him I got it. I don't know what it is but there's definitely something about him and you're drawn to him. Bombshell- she wasn't what I expected at all. I'm not really sure what I expected her to be like- but she was easy to talk to and would be someone I could see as a potential friend. Ah- the moment I have seriously been waiting for. Kinky and Tasty kissing. Not just kissing- I don't know, it was like they were in their own little bubble- not aware of anything or anyone else. Hotness. I don't know what it is about two men kissing but it gets to me. Maybe just the masculinity of it. They aren't really gentle- it's just more fierce. I couldn't help myself- I just wanted to sit there and stare in amazement at the hotness but I didn't want to seem like a total freak. Bombshell started talking to me- so I tried my best to talk to her. But I felt like saying "Shhh! Do you not see the hotness over here?! Don't interrupt my voyeur moment here." I kept talking to her but my eyes just kept going back to Kinky and Tasty. Finally she stopped talking and we both just stood there in heaven watching the show. Ah- she likes it just as much as I do :)
Finally the boys come up for air. We mingle a little bit and then Kinky and I sit down on a couch and talk a little bit. Tasty and Bombshell sit down on another couch close to us. Kinky asks "Do you want me to go over there and just start making out with Tasty?" Hell yeah I do! Wait- let me get my popcorn ready. OK- we're good to go. He says "OK, I'm going to go over there and start kissing him and then I want you to walk over there." Awww- you mean I don't just get to sit here and watch? Alright. So Kinky goes over to Tasty and just grabs him and kisses him. HOT!!!! Finally I remember oh yeah, I'm supposed to go over there. I walk over to the other couch and there is Kinky sitting on Tasty's lap and Bombshell next to them. There's no room for me to sit so I just stand. Kinky reaches over and unzips my coat- I'm still a little shy to show everyone my pale ass! But yeah, yeah sub I know. So I take the jacket off. Kinky says "Maybe I'll let this man spank you." Who- Tasty? I'm not really sure how I feel about that yet. But again I trust Kinky and I know he wouldn't let just anyone spank me so I'm open to it.
The next thing I know I'm thrown over their laps and Kinky and Tasty are spanking me. Not sure if it's weird or not but I could definitely tell who was who. Kinky has a firmer hand or Tasty just didn't want to hurt me too much :) They spank my ass and then my legs. Kinky smacks my back- still tender! But stingy in a good way now. I could have seriously stayed like that all night. Having one person spank you is sexy- but two? SEXINESS! I was in heaven. Then they want me to get up and just stand there like nothing just happened! Hello! You know how spanking gets to me! It puts me in subspace like that! Now you want me to stand here? No! See that cross over there? How about you cuff me to that and we'll really have a spanking session! Dear Lord! Two hot guys spanking me? Come on! More!
It was BaGG's 17th anniversary so they had some special things going on. One being a burlesque show. Woo hoo! That is something I have seriously been interested in for a while now. I'm all about teasing so that seems like it would be a lot of fun :) Tasty and Bombshell go outside for a bit and Kinky and I stay to watch the dancers. At first I'm interested in the dancers, I just want to see some moves. But honestly I could care less about the damn dancers. But I know men and breasts- hard to peal them away from that so I let Kinky watch the show. Kinky was wearing a tie that night. Now I haven't mentioned this yet but one of my weird off the wall fetishes is a man in a button up shirt and a tie. So when I saw him wearing a tie- oh the things that went through my head. Ties are very useful, they are very versatile. But mostly I like to use it somewhat as a leash. It's great to just tug on it and they go where you want them to. I know, so not a subbie thing- I have my moments. I've actually been thinking more about it and some might say I'm not a true sub but a switch. I really don't think I am a switch because it is so rare that I want to take control but it is definately in the back of my mind sometimes. Plus the thought of fighting for control and seeing who wins would be hot. Anyways- back to what I was saying. I'm sitting there watching Kinky watch the dancers and I can't help myself I just yank his tie so he's close enough to kiss. Yep- I love ties. I have many ideas of what to do with that tie- but I'm not divulging my secrets this time Kinky :) You'll just have to wait and see- wear it again and you'll find out.
I like meeting new people and hanging out with people at BaGG but the times when its just me and Kinky sitting there and we are able to just talk and be close are my favorite times. It makes me feel special and loved. So I'm very glad that we got to spend a bit of time just us because I honestly thought with the make out sessions between Tasty and Kinky I would be on the back burner for the night. Which I honestly wouldn't have minded- it's hot! After a while Tasty and Bomshell return. I honestly don't know how these things occur- I think I block all that out. But the next thing I remember is Kinky is bent over a couch and Tasty is spanking him. At first I thought that's kind of odd to see my Dom being spanked. But then I looked again and yeah, hot. How could it not be hot when it's those two boys involved?! Then Tasty motions for me to go sit on the couch. What? No! I'm enjoying the damn show here! But I go sit on the couch- Tasty has Kinky lay his head in my lap. OK- just got 10x hotter! Now I have an awesome view! Plus I get to run my fingers through Kinky's hair. I pull his hair a few times because I know he likes that and figured he would love that on top of the spanking. I run my hands on his back and continue watching Tasty spank Kinky. OK- can't watch or it is totally going to push me over the edge!
After Tasty is done he lifts up Kinky's legs and puts him laying down on the couch with his head still in my lap. I'm still stunned- I'm freaking so turned on that all I can do is just sit there and try and process what I just saw. I never knew that seeing someone else get spanked would be such a turn on. Let alone Kinky being spanked. After a bit Kinky sits up and Tasty and Kinky start talking about playing. OMG! You people are trying to kill me. Kinky mentions something about being tied to Tasty's bed and all I can think is I want to see that! Damn you! Now I have images of these two boys playing- you are really trying to kill me. Now I'm not really sure which of these incidents came first hehe. It was too exciting to remember the timeline of things. But I think we all stood up to go downstairs but it ended up that Kinky and Tasty were kissing again and Kinky pulled me closer to him so I was up against his back. Oh this could be fun :) I start running my hands along Kinky's sides and chest while he's still kissing Tasty. Hot! Then Kinky starts biting Tatsy's neck- super hot! Then Bombshell goes and stands behind Tasty and start rubbing on him- OMG I'm in heaven! It's like a Mariposa, Kinky, Tasty, Bombshell sandwich! Yeah! It's a good thing we were in public because the things that were going through my head. I decide to be a little bit more feisty than I usually am with Kinky- I definitely don't go all out but I grab Kinky's hair and pull his head back and I bite his neck. Yes he likes that :) I like to be just as rough as others are with me sometimes- but I still hold back cause I'm not a sadist- I don't enjoy giving pain so I never know what is enough or what is too much.
We all make our merry way down to the lower level and we sit down next to each other. It's me then Kinky then Tasty and then Bombshell. So the boys are sandwiched between us. Kinky reaches over and is rubbing on Tasty's leg and on his crotch. I look over and the couple that is sitting across from us is staring in shock. I whisper in Kinky's ear that they are watching in horror. He says "I'm going to give them some more to stare at in a minute." hehe- oh I love freaking people out. Kinky kisses me and then he kisses Tasty- I look back over at the couple and seriously their jaws are hitting the floor. Not only did Kinky just kiss me then a man but Bombshell is over on the other side rubbing all over Tasty as well. I decide why not! I put my coat over my lap and I start rubbing Kinky through his pants. He reaches for me- OK wasn't expecting that! Damn plans always backfire! Now I can't concentrate on what I'm doing because I'm being teased myself. Very close to cumming in front of hundreds of people- I look down and notice my coat had fallen a bit and you could totally see where Kinky's hand was but I didn't care at that moment. Kinky stops- now I am officially on fire from everything that happened that evening. All I want to do is go home and fuck like wild animals. Then to makes things even worse- Kinky starts whispering in my ear how I am HIS. Oh God! Seriously- I'm going to straddle you on this couch right now in front of everyone and fuck you if you don't stop. "Your mine. My Slut, My..." I don't know what else he's saying because I'm trying to regain my composure and not let him know how just words make me melt! But that for some reason is one of the biggest turn ons for me- being claimed. Someone being possessive- I don't know why but the thought of being someone else's toy, their property just gets to me.
We all head outside again. We talk a bit to some other friends and as we're talking Kinky is rubbing my back and my ass and I notice that he has his arm around Bombshell as well. Ah- two ladies to drive crazy huh? I like that we are comfortable enough to do these things in front of each other- I love how open we are with everything. That's why it works so well. There is no feeling of jealousy or possessiveness on my part. I enjoy the freedom we have. Well- of course Kinky has a bit more freedom than me. I am the sub in the situation of course so I'm not going to be initiating anything with anyone else unless Kinky tells me to or tells the other to. Plus I like that control- it's up to him whether he wants to keep me all to himself or if he wants someone else to spank me, kiss me etc. The only reason I am comfortable with it is because I trust him 100%, plus now I am at the point that I want to please him no matter what. I like and want that control.
We head home for the evening. We stop and grab a bite to eat. Again- a very nice part of the evening because we got to just sit and talk. I wish we could do that more often. I love that we can go from friend mode to Dom/sub mode and lover mode so easily. It just flows and I'm happy that we can have that dynamic. It would get boring if it were only Dom/sub dynamic all the time. Or if it were lover mode and nothing else. Plus I love the fact that I can seriously talk to him as a friend and he is still someone I care for. That's an awesome combination to have. He could call me "My baby" in one sentence and make my heart melt and then in the very next sentence say "My slut" and I'm putty in his hands. After some good conversation we head back to my house. Now I'm totally not in my aggressive mood anymore that I needed to be in to take control of the situation like I was at the beginning of the night! I'm honestly not sure at that point if I have it in me to take control that night.
We get back to my house and he takes his tie off and starts to take his shirt off. Aw man! I had plans for that tie! So for once I voice my opinion. He asks "what? You want me to leave the tie on?" Well I don't want you to be uncomfortable and I honestly don't know if I can go through with what I want to do with that tie. Apparently I took too long to answer- Kinky spanks me. Now how am I supposed to keep my thoughts straight if you spank me? He spanks me again "I didn't hear you. Do you want me to leave the tie on?" I finally say "yes" "Yes what?" I don't know why it always takes me a minute to get up the nerve to say the words but every time I pause. "Yes Sir" Like it's a bad word or something. Maybe because that to me is showing my total submission to someone because I don't just call anyone Sir. He puts the tie back on and comes over and kisses me. OK- if I'm going to take control of this situation I need to do it before he gets to me because the minute he pushes me against a wall and pins my arms down it's over. I'll immediately go into sub mode. So I contemplate- should I? No, I should just let him do his thing- he's the Dom after all. Yes I should because he wouldn't expect it and I just need to be myself. I halfheartedly push him against the wall behind him- I honestly don't know if he's going to be in Dom mode and push me against the wall and tell me to remember whose in charge. So I hold back cause I don't want to get myself into too much trouble. He doesn't- I'm actually stunned that he doesn't that I don't know what to do after that. I really didn't think he would let me take control. I kiss him and pull his hair and press my body against his. I want to start whispering things in his ear but I'm still too stunned that he actually let me take control that I can't think of anything dirty to say. Plus honestly when I talk dirty I think it sounds completely cheesy and ridiculous so I don't do it much. It makes me laugh, I can't take myself seriously.
After a bit of tug of war with myself of what to do next I grab his tie and pull him into one of the rooms. That's when I want to make use of that tie but I can't bring myself to do it. So I kiss him and I unzip his pants and kneel in front of him and suck his cock. Then I stand and I push him to the ground and I straddle him. Yes- for once I have the nerve to be on top. We're not getting into my insecurities on that :) Part of it is I always worry, no matter what it is I'm doing, if I'm good at it. So the whole time I'm thinking Are you actually enjoying this or are you thinking geez! Do it this way! Not like that! So that's generally why I don't do a lot of things. But I figure what the hell- I have to face my fear sometime. I'm not going to go my whole life avoiding things that scare me or I'm uncomfortable with. The more I do it the more comfortable I will be with things and they wont scare me anymore. So I try to put my insecurities aside and just live. There came a point where my insecurities got the best of me so I stop and I lay down and wait for Kinky to take control.
You know- this time I'm actually going to keep some of the experience to myself. My little tidbit to keep just for me. I'll leave my story at that. I'll just end with this- each night at BaGG keeps getting better and better and I look forward to more wild and crazy adventures. Not just at BaGG but in general. The lifestyle keeps getting more and more exciting. :) And I have wonderful people to explore with.