BDSM and Intimacy

Generally when most hear BDSM they don't immediately think intimacy. Most that don't know much about it- the first thought is-bondage and sex and pain! But there's more to it than just the physical aspects. When I started looking into it I thought the same thing- OMG! Who in their right mind would be into that?! I was really only interested in the bondage and the D/s aspect of it. I thought the rest of it was ridiculous and crazy. Floggers, crops, paddles, canes! Holy Shit! Clamps, fire, spanking, strangling, orgies! No way in hell! Then I started learning more about the power exchange and less about the physical aspects. Immediately when I read about that I was drawn to it. The mental connection and surrender was what got me into the lifestyle. Come to find out once I dived in and actually started trying stuff I enjoy pain and kinky shit a lot more than I thought :) But still the foundation for my interest in the lifestyle is the mental aspect.


What I liked so much about it was when I read about how most involved in the lifestyle have a more intimate connection than any vanilla couple could ever dream of. That the bond between Dom and sub was strong. I thought seriously?! How can it me intimate and how can you bond when someone is beating the shit out of you? But now I understand completely. When there is any type of power exchange- when you give that control to another in a situation so extreme you have to trust them. That trust builds a connection and I think the more you trust the more intense the scenes can get which makes you bond even more.


 I sit and wonder if I was in a vanilla relationship with Kinky if I would have been able to open up as quickly and feel close and feel like I know him so fast. I wonder if it was the BDSM aspect of things that helped me open up or if it is just his personality. Or maybe it's a combination of both. Who knows. You have to give in to some form of trust to give up control in any situation. I admit it took me a while to trust him completely but I honestly don't think I would have ever let my guard down with anyone if it were in any other situation. I think it took that extreme of me being tied up unable to move, run. Allowing him to take control more and more in every scene and allowing him to spank me, be rough with me- knowing, trusting that he is not going to hurt me physically. First I was able to let go and give up control when it came to the physical and with that the fortress that I had built up for years to protect my heart and hide every single emotion I had in me came tumbling down. That's where the intimacy comes in. Willingly, trusting another with your well being. It is a very emotional thing for me and always will be- that's why I don't go around and just submit to anyone. Something that Kinky said to me once just hit home for me. He said that he will protect me- even from myself if need be. I can't explain how that made me feel. But that is always in the back of my mind now. I know he will look out for OUR best interest and not just his.


Kinky and I met up tonight and I think he was able to put everything in perspective for me. I've been dealing with stupid insecurities that I have had for years and I keep letting them get to me. Or, when Kinky put it into perspective for me I found out what I was doing. I've never had a healthy relationship- every relationship I've been in has just been utter chaos the whole time. So I'm used to things just being wrong all the time. Now with Kinky- there are not problems- it's not chaos. But I'm so used to having that worry and stress that something is wrong that I look for things to be wrong. I think just like he said this is too good to be true. Something has to be wrong! Or I'm dreaming! So I over analyze things. Words, actions- just looking for a crack in the perfectness that is our connection so far. When I talk to Kinky he always pulls me back and makes me feel better and makes me realize that nothing is wrong and I'm just looking for things to go wrong. He is doing what he said he would- he's protecting me from myself. So I told him he now has permission to slap me upside the head every time I start to over analyze everything and tell me to snap out of it and get back to reality :) For the past month I'd say I haven't been living in the moment like I promised myself I would. I've been worrying about what could possibly happen and stressing myself out for nothing. When I got divorced I promised myself that I would live everyday to the fullest and I wouldn't take anything for granted. I was doing great- but I slipped back into old habits for a while- but I am making it my priority to make sure I live day by day. Not worry about the what ifs.


 I am actually the happiest I've ever been. Now not only do I have a Dom, I have someone I would consider one of my closest friends- and he has my heart. Plus- even though I don't know Hottie very well- for some reason I am just drawn to her and I care for her and I consider her just as big a part of our relationship as Kinky and myself. She is important to me because she is in Kinky's life and she makes him happy. How could I not embrace someone that adds to his happiness? I love it- it feels like not only do I have Kinky in my life- I have this other great person that is in my life as well. So even though it is mostly just Kinky and I together- I consider Hottie to be just as important even if she is not there in person. I want to see her happy as well. Plus- I am now able to be myself completely. I don't have to feel bad about my need for BDSM- I finally can be me! I can be the submissive, dark, dirty kinky SOB that I always have been- openly! Also- I don't have to worry about monogamy! I can live the life that I've always wanted to and it is accepted.


When I met Kinky the last thing on my mind was emotions and a relationship. I didn't want to feel anything for anyone. I didn't want anything to do with emotions- I was done with all that BS. All it ever did for me was cause me pain and grief in the end so I wanted nothing to do with emotions/connections. I was honestly just looking for a good time- just physical, nothing else. I only wanted a Dom who took control of me physically if anything- just my body. So when I actually started to develop feelings for Kinky- I was pissed! I did what I normally do- I flipped and went all girly on his ass to try and push him away. So he would run in the other direction and be like- fuck that shit! It didn't work- he stuck around. WTF! So that made me realize- this guy really does care for me. So I started to let my guard down a little- until I finally got to the point where I realized the true meaning of submission. I mean physically and mentally. Here I was ready to find a Dom to "own" me- I only thought of it in a sexual way- just own me in the bedroom. I never considered giving into emotions as submission. But now I know, at least for me anyways- that is true submission.


Before when I was looking for these possible Doms to own me- I got to a place where I called a few Sir to show respect. To show I was willing to submit to them as a sub. But it was never out of thankfulness or to please them or love. I never knew a word would come to have that much meaning to me. Those others I addressed as Sir- they don't even deserve to be considered Doms let alone come close to being respected enough to be addressed so properly. But Kinky- in my eyes- is now Sir. As a sub- he is the only one I want to submit to, completely. The only one I want to please with every fiber of my being. One I respect and trust. One I would proudly get on my knees for to show my willingness to submit; to do whatever he says, whatever pleases him as my Dom. I want to do this out of respect, trust and love. That to me is the meaning of Sir/Master. He is my Sir.


Of course there is more to our connection that just D/s. It does overlap in some places- but as a sub- I give him full control. I have given him the control of everything when it comes to the lifestyle. He is in control of who is brought in our lives. If he so chooses- I'm all his and no one else can touch. I am his to do with as he pleases as a sub. If he connects with another and wants to begin a relationship with them- it is his choice, for his pleasure. Of course he asks my opinion, but ultimately I feel it is his choice. Whatever journey he wants us to take I am there with him every step of the way because I love him and I trust him. That is true intimacy- completely trusting another to look out and care for not only their well being, but yours as well. He is my friend, my love, my Sir.