Thursday, December 16, 2010

Love Vs. Lust

I wrote this post a while back but at that point I was still deciding if I wanted to share all my experiences. But I liked the topics I covered in this post so much I had to share. It may be a little long but I enjoyed writing this one. Plus- after a mushy, girly post I have to post something funny. I'm not into all that tender, romantic crap so it doesn't happen very often. But once I do let my girly side come out I have to talk about something else because I can't stand that mushy crap! I'm not your typical girl.

Alright! Fine- you all win. "We want to hear about your experiences. Why wont you share?" Can't a girl keep anything to herself? Yes I know- shouldn't have started a blog then. Well, now there are more intimate times per say that I'd rather keep to myself. I have to keep some things secret between Kinky and I! Or else I feel like I'm just airing all our dirty laundry. Some things just need to be kept quiet so there is still some damn intimacy people! Well lucky for you Kinky doesn't mind me sharing. I on the other hand like to post different things- not just all sex, sex, sex! Sometimes it may be a more caring, tender post. Sometimes it just may be for a laugh and sometimes I share my D/s experiences. Variety people- it's the spice of life. I mean don't you get tired of hearing about sex and spankings and hair pulling and biting? No? Yeah- me either- but although it's hard to believe- I do think of other things besides sex. Well not often but it happens alright? So fine- no talking about "advice" or ideas I've received from readers- this post will be about sex! Oh boy! Hate to break it to you- there's more to it than just sex.

 I met up with Kinky. He said he had a surprise for me- didn't know where we were going, what we were doing. I was just told to dress comfortably and I was meeting new people. Uh oh- OK, so I do like meeting new people, but I can't stand crowds- it overwhelms me. I'm thinking great! Now not only do I not know what to wear (yes- always thinking fashion first) I have no fucking clue who I'm meeting, how many people I'm meeting and if they are kinky or vanilla! Don't know what will happen or what he has planned. I don't like surprises! Alright- so I totally love surprises cause it's like a little mini adrenaline rush- the unexpected. But my mind tends to take things to the extreme! Sometimes it's fun and sometimes I get myself so worked up that I'm shaking I'm so nervous. You and your mindfucks Kinky :) That's a totally different post altogether! We'll get to that later.

I'm not too nervous- I'm just praying it's not a big crowd. I'm really not in the mood for a huge gathering. Kinky meets me at my house- I never know what to expect when I see him. It is always a mixture of love and lust- usually one ends up winning over the other. Usually before I see him while I'm waiting I'm excited and just thinking dirty thoughts so I always want to jump on him right when he knocks on the door. But then when I actually do see him that takes a backseat and all I can think is awww. I missed him and I love him and I just want to hug him and kiss him and maybe be all sickly lovey dovey. Depends on my mood how clingy I can be. Soon after that I'm like a damn horny teenager again and thinking screw going out! Just stay here and fuck me! My thoughts go back and forth the whole time I'm with him- one minute its I love you, the next minute its take me now!!! Right here! The reason that I find that so odd is because generally I am either just physically attracted to someone or I feel emotions for them. I've never really had both in the same person.

My first serious boyfriend- our relationship was based basically on lust and sex. Yeah- had the puppy love going on cause I was a teenager- but when it came down to it we didn't really "talk" and connect. It was more walk through the door, rip each others clothes off, screw my brains out and then I'll be on my way. Or in a lot of cases- get in the car and remove panties, unzip pants and just grope! Yeah great, strong relationship huh? Then I had a few fuck buddies, booty calls whatever you want to call them where there was no conversation whatsoever. It was sex, sex, sex- see ya in a few months or next time I'm horny! Then there was my ex- husband which I felt for emotionally but honestly no physical attraction at all. No wanting or lustful thoughts- just emotions and a feeling of don't fucking touch me!!

I'm different from most women- I separate emotions and sex. I definitely think they are both important for things to work but to me they are two totally separate parts to a relationship. Yes you can connect in certain ways during sex but I don't see that as a major part of working on a damn connection. Let me give you an example so you can understand how I think. You know the term "making love"? WTF is that!!! Who came up with this shit? Not once have those words escaped my lips and never will. My BFF doesn't understand this concept. She thinks there's something wrong with my thinking- maybe so but that's me! We had this conversation one time because her and her boyfriend got in an argument about "making love". He felt the same as me- it's sex, not making love. My BFF said "no- it's tender and showing you care and connecting." Sorry but the last thing on my mind when someone is fucking me is it being tender and loving. It's more like- "fuck me! Harder! Yes! Right there!" Not "Oh, I love you." No! If you want to show me you love me and care talk to me, cuddle, hug, kiss, hold hands. But so help me if you bring that tender shit into my sex life. That's why I'm into BDSM- I don't like tender! If I wanted tender would I want someone to spank my ass so hard it's bruised for a week? Or pull my hair and whisper how I'm their slut in my ear? Or want to be tied up or slammed into a wall or pinned down or told I'm owned by someone? Be forced on my knees and my head shoved down on a cock? Be fucked so hard I'm sore the next day? Does that sound tender to you? No? Good because it isn't!

Sex people! It's all about pleasure and attraction- not about connecting emotionally, Its physical and raw and animalistic- not rainbows and butterflies and unicorns! No- it's sex! Sex or fucking! Not making love. When I'm having sex I don't want to hear "I love you", I want to hear how badly you want me and how good I feel and what you want to do to me and that I'm sexy, that I turn you on. That my body is there for your pleasure and I want you to do whatever it is you want to as long as it pleases you. Then after all that's said and done then we can talk and connect and say I love you. Yes- princess by day, slut by night. A proper lady when necessary; a naughty, dirty girl that wants to be used in private- get it straight people! So for me to have both of those needs fulfilled by the same person- nice! Finally a kinky bastard just like me! But I definitely think it's a balancing act. I think both are important and both should be nurtured and make sure both needs are met or else it creates problems in a connection. I'm not like most women- my sex drive doesn't fade or completely disappear. No- I want it all the damn time! But if you don't take the time to work on your emotional connection then it just becomes about a physical connection. So it'simportant for me anyways to keep those two needs balanced.

Sometimes I guess you could say I feel like a damn guy because Kinky will be sitting there talking to me and I'm listening, but in the back of my mind I'm thinking what if I just reached over and unzipped his pants and pulled out his cock mid conversation? Would that piss him off or would he like it? I don't want him to think all I care about is sex! Because it's not- I do care for him very much but dammit my mind is always in the gutter! Anyways- we leave my house, get in his truck. I grab him before he starts driving and kiss him. Yeah- I can take control from time to time. "I may just make a switch out of you." Hold on Buddy! I'm a sub! I like to be man handled and controlled- not the other way around! OK- so I may enjoy control some- OK a lot! So maybe it's fun to have the control once in a while- speaking of I have some very interesting ideas if I was in control. I have a bit of a twisted mind myself- I'm creative. But that's beside the point- so I'm open to switching but it better not cut into MY spanking time! Plus the moments where I want control are so sporadic and short that there's no way I could do a whole damn scene as a Domme. Halfway through I'd be begging for a spanking or something. Yeah- real Domme! Maybe on rare occasions it would be fun, but it would be VERY rare and I would only feel comfortable doing that with Kinky. Besides I like to be controlled too much to consider myself a switch- I'm a total sub at heart- just a bratty one I guess.

Anywho- there I go on one of my tangents. where was I? Ah, yes- we are on our way to God knows where. We head out of town and drive into a residential area. OK- good not a big crowd then. We pull up in front of an apartment complex and we just sit in the car. What are we doing? We just going to sit out here all night or are we going in? Who the hell are we meeting!!!!! "My best friend and his fiance. They're not here yet." Awwww- his BFF. that's cool- he's letting me into his everyday "vanilla" life. I'm honored. Wait! BFF?! Fuck! That's even worse than meeting parents! If your BFF is anything like mine- his opinion of me is very important to you! OMG! I have to pass the damn friend test now. Shit! If I don't get along with these people there goes the social life! No hanging out- no one wants to hang out with the new girl of the group that doesn't fit in. What if they hate me?! What if they're like- "Don't bring that girl over here ever again! Ridiculous!" OMG! OK- so I know I overreact.

Fiance- God I don't like hanging out with girls much. Yes I may dress girly and be into shoes and make up and clothes but so help me if she wants to sit around and talk about mushy shit or talk about relationship drama or exchange fuckin recipes or something?! I will die of boredom! "She's 20." Oh Christ! So not only is she female- she's young which means drama, drama, drama, me, me, me! "She also has a daughter." Ah shit- this night just keeps getting better and better doesn't it? I may be a Mom- and a single Mom but I'm not one of those Mom's that wants to sit there and talk kids and birth weight and labor and first steps and crap. I don't make it a point for everyone to know I'm a single Mom so others feel sorry for me or think I have it worse than them. Don't get me wrong, I love my daughter more than anything in this world- but I need me time!

Kinky's friend pulls up- do we have to go in? Please! Don't suscept me to living hell itself! Why!!!! Fine- I'll just keep my mouth shut so that way I don't have to do the girl talk thing. We get to their apartment- tension! Oh fun. We're in a war zone! See- this is what happens when you put that little ring on your finger- whether it be an engagement ring or wedding ring- there goes the fun! Here comes arguments and tension and once you say those two little words "I do" you're trapped! You are legally bound to that person- I can feel the walls closing in! I want to scream at them "Don't do it!!!! For the love of God save yourselves and run! Run from the damn mistake you are making!" So I know that not all marriages end badly- there are some that marry the love of their life- I just have yet to meet one of these couples! 50-50 people. Those are the odds of a marriage working. You really want to take that chance? Not good odds! My odds if I were to get married again since it would be my second marriage- 64% chance I'll get divorced again. Not good! Not good odds at all. So why don't you just save yourselves a lot of money and not even go through a ceremony because it will all end in a courtroom anyways! Plus the time that it takes to file the fucking papers and then if you have a kid with that person- triple the time, money and paperwork. Just live together- you already are anyways! What's the difference? A damn ring and a piece of paper- that's all! Don't do it! Can you tell I'm very leery of even thinking about ever getting married again? yeah- I'm still leaning more to the side of not believing in marriage- but never say never. I don't know what the future holds- but at this point- run!!!!

So I'm glad to find out both of them are nice people- awesome. But come to find out- I hate to say it Kinky but your friend is whipped!!! Do him a favor and take back his balls that are on the chain around his fiance's neck and let him have them back. He will thank you later, believe me. So I'm old school when it comes to that- I think a man should be in charge in a relationship. Plus who wants to be known as one of those girlfriends or wives where the dude is walking on eggshells because he "can't do anything right". Come on ladies- give your man the control or at least give him back his dignity when his friends are around. So she apparently spent all day in the kitchen making spaghetti sauce from scratch- "that's my future wife!" his friend says. Kinky asks me "would you want to be Susie home maker?" My first reaction is hell no! I don't need no man to take care of me! But deep down I kind of want to be. Like I said- I'm old school. But God would it get boring and so help me if I ever drive a minivan or my kids play soccer- you have permission to shoot me for losing my MILF card. I think the man should be the provider and protector in a relationship and the woman in charge of the home and the kiddies- that's just the way it was meant to be in my opinion.The man of the house comes home from a long day of work, dinner should be on the table. If it's not ready in time the man has every right to say "what?! My dinner's not ready yet? Bend your ass over that table right now!" Spank! What? Hey- if I had to be a housewife damn right I'd be a kinky housewife! A girl can dream. If you want me to be a domestic goddess you have to give me some incentive. Kinky says "what if I left you tied up all day at home?" See! Now we're talking! I'd bend over backwards to be the picture perfect housewife. Keep the house spotless, make meals from scratch- all you gotta do is spank me, tie me up and just go kink crazy and I'd do just about anything!

After dinner we sit down on the couch and watch a movie. Alright- I admit I thought it was really nice to get to meet Kinky's friend and just hang out. Usually we are either together going to BaGG, so it's all kink and we get to spend some time just us and bond, make out whatever! Or we go out just the two of us, which is nice. But it was really nice to be introduced into his regular every day "vanilla" life I guess. I felt like I got to see another side to him- even though he didn't act differently- it was just nice to see him in a different setting. So we watch a movie- his BFF and his girl are sitting in a chair together and Kinky and I are on the couch. Kinky starts sexting me- or did I start it? Who knows! At that point I could care less who is in the damn room! They don't exist anymore! I think Kinky said something to the effect that I'd be sucking his cock on the drive home. Dammit! You know- you like teasing in public don't you? So my brain starts going- I look down, notice my scarf and since my mind is already thinking sex, sex, sex- all these ideas run through my head of what that scarf could be used for. First I think he could tie my wrists together, since Kinky likes gags- he could use it as a gag- or as a blindfold. :) I text Kinky that idea. "If I had more time tonight I'd take you home, use my scarf as a blindfold and torture you for hours with pleasure." Like I said sometimes it's fun to take control- been on a kick lately. But- also been a while since I had a damn good spanking and lately all I can think about is that damn rope! So- the submission wins!

I assume Kinky liked my text. I'm thinking of other things I could use my scarf for when Kinky pulls on my scarf so it's tight around my neck and pulls me toward him. Oh- that's definitely a good use for it! I don't know if it's the unexpected or if it's the fact that his friends are sitting right there and can see him doing that to me but I loved it. I'm thinking wait! These people kinky or not? I don't think they are! Let's not scare them shall we? I try to pull back a little, kinky pulls harder on my scarf so it's really tight around my neck and kisses me. I whisper in his ear "Do your friends know about your kinky side?" He pulls me closer and whispers "Not a clue." OK- did someone just turn on the heater in here? It's like a damn sauna! Nope- just my damn uncontrollable fuckin hormones! What can I say? It's like a little exhibition mixed with secrecy and just a recipe for fuckin hotness! I'll share those types of recipes anyday! As you can tell- I like exhibition a bit. But I'm not one that's out there naked or doing extreme things shouting "Look at me!!!" No- I like subtle acts of exhibition- secret things; it's the thought of being caught that I like.

At that point I don't care- Kinky can do whatever the hell he wants. I wouldn't care if it was a room of hundreds of people! It's the whole control thing- almost like a collar and leash- yum. Just the feel of the scarf tight around my neck- reminds me of his hand around my neck. Also knowing he is the one in control, pulling the scarf- I have to go wherever he wants me to. Lets get the hell out of here dammit! But I know he's only going to leave when he's ready. So why even waste my time asking? He texts me after a bit "we're going to leave in a few minutes." Thank God! But I look at the clock- so that only leaves like an hour for us to drive home- which would only give us like 30 minutes! Well that sucks- guess we're not going to do anything tonight- you're just teasing me and now I'm going to go home all flustered!

We leave- yep about an hour- no play time :( We drive home, on the way he's talking like nothing went on. I'm thinking what happened? You change your mind about me sucking your cock? I guess so. So definitely nothing happening tonight. About halfway home he's talking and then out of nowhere pushes my head down in his lap and unbuttons his pants. Ah1 So you didn't forget. Oh and it just makes it that  much more enjoyable when he spanks me and grabs my ass when I'm doing that. I love it- the way he does it it's like "This is mine!" Mmmmmmmmmm!  Don't get me wrong- I love to please but for some reason this time I kept thinking Geez! This is a long damn drive! I thought we were halfway home! At this angle my damn jaw is killing me! What are you driving around the block or something?! I try to look out the window just to see how close we are to home. Before I can look he shoves my head back down. God I love dominant men! Sorry- it's fuckin hot! Finally- we're home!!!

I dont' give a damn what time I said I'd be home- your ass is coming inside with me and we are fucking! We get inside- now, I've had a few "quickies", but they weren't in the sense of "OK- we only got 20 minutes! Let's do this!" It was basically uh- the boys couldn't last very long! So yeah- quickies but not in the right way. They weren't like this! Kinky pulls my pants down to my knees. I'm thinking Wait! I got on knee high boots- can't take these pants off  without taking those off first! He says "they just need to be pulled down a little bit." OH- I see! Hotness! A real quickie! He guides me to my favorite wall, turns me around to face the wall and basically just has his way with me. I don't know what it was that made it so hot for me but normally I'm thinking "oh geez! I'm sure my ass looks horrid from this angle. No- don't grab my hips- they're huge and ugly!" Not this time- I don't care about any of that. I just don't want him to stop!

For some reason Kinky grabbing my hips this time just got me that much more hot and bothered. It was like I became a damn animal! All primal thoughts- his hands on my hips tight and him fucking me hard and fast. I just felt- I didn't think. I'm one that enjoys sex- I love it! So I don't care how long it lasts- I can handle it. So after this time I'm thinking That's it? That's like a warm up! More dammit! I could go for a long time right now with how turned on I am! But God was it fun.

As if I wasn't turned on enough already- Kinky starts spanking me. Remember what I said about spankings- yeah, you want me to submit just spank me and I'm putty in your hands. But usually he spanks me first- not last! After he's done I'm so damn turned on I can't see or walk straight!Not fair! Now I have to go home- alone, climbing the damn walls. Yeah laugh it up Kinky- just you wait. I haven't brought on my true teasing nature yet. I'll get you back. Mr. Calm cool and collected all the damn time. Yeah- I'm still frustrated!

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