I'm writing this post for one person and one alone. Actually pretty much all my posts are meant for one. I hate to say it hehe- but I love the fact that so many are reading my blog- but it only matters to me if one person reads it and what they think of it. I want to publicly say I'm sorry Kinky- I feel like I've failed as a sub and a girlfriend lately. I've been pulling away from you due to some things and in return I think you are pulling away from me. Or I just feel too bad about how I've been thinking that I want to think you are pulling away from me to calm my nerves. I mean who wants to talk to the girl that keeps bringing up negative thing after negative thing? Of course you are not going to want to be around that or dwell on it every day. That's why I feel so bad- I'm bringing my insecurities into another's life and I shouldn't because they are my own demons to deal with. I sit and think anytime now you are just going to say enough is enough and get rid of me. I think that is why I keep dwelling on it- now I'm trying to get you to say enough is enough because I feel so bad about bringing this shit into your life. I think I subconsciously am thinking I need to push you away so you don't have to deal with me anymore. I'm in panic mode.
But the truth is I don't want you to leave- I don't want you to be fed up with me. I want to make you happy- not only as a girlfriend but as a sub as well. I know you say I'm not average-maybe it's to prove it more to myself than you- but I want to show you I am not average and I can stand out. I want to feel that closeness again. I haven't recently due to the fact that I've been trying to rebuild the walls that you have broken down slowly. But I don't want to reconstruct the walls- I want them to stay down. I want to be vulnerable and I want to show how much I love you and how much I want to make you happy. That takes strength- I was thinking being vulnerable was a bad thing- it was a weakness. But it's the opposite- I am willingly giving myself to you and trusting you with my feelings. That takes strength- just as submission does. Well- in my opinion that is submission- giving your all physically and emotionally.
I figured out that I was so happy in the beginning when I realized that I had opened up and was able to submit completely. I was on cloud nine. Think of it as me jumping out of a plane- finally taking the plunge into the "real world" of emotions and connections. Woooo! It was a rush! Yeah! I'm free! Free falling! Yeah I'm freeeeeeeee, free falling! Then I realized- I didn't have a parachute! Fuck!!!!! I'd left my parachute (my crutch, my feelings of inadequacy, the fortress I built around my heart, the disconnection I had with the world) behind in the plane! It was too late to go back to get it and here I was falling to the earth with no safety net. I realized just how vulnerable I had become- naked. So I flipped! OMG! What if I get hurt again? What if he just turns his back on me or decides overnight that he's done with me? What if he connects with another and doesn't have time for me? What if he doesn't like me as much as I like him? What if one day he just can't stand the way I look anymore and wants nothing to do with me? What if I don't please him? What if, what if, what if......
I'm done with the what ifs. I'm so tired of thinking! I want to go back to how I was a month ago when I was living in the moment and didn't have a care in the world- whatever happened, happened. I would be happy with whatever outcome life gave me. I wasn't over thinking every damn thing. I just wish I had an on and off switch for my brain. Although it seems like I do- a month ago it was off and all of a sudden someone turned it on again! Is there an overdrive setting I didn't know about?! Fuck! I just want to scream at the top of my lungs! FUCK!!!!!! I feel so idiotic and bad for my freak out. I was so used to being on my own and dealing with every damn thing on my own and then all of a sudden someone is paying attention to me and I feel like thank God! There is another human being on this planet that cares! Here! Take every damn emotion that I have been feeling for the past two years and you take the load now! I can't carry it anymore! But that is not the way it should be. I shouldn't unload my emotions on someone else. They are mine to deal with- period. So buck up and be a big girl like you are used to and take care of yourself! Kinky is not here to share my problems- he is here to help me with them if need be, not just take them on himself.
So I am sorry for the way I have been lately. You have no idea how much of a crazy woman I feel like. I truly do feel like I've failed as a partner. It's so early on and already I have failed you. I am sorry and I am going back to trusting you as I did before. I know you are a genuine person and you say it like it is. That is the one thing that I love about our connection- I know you speak the truth and don't sugarcoat things. That's the way I want it to be! I just need to remind myself from time to time that you are one that tells it like it is. I'm so used to liars that I automatically think whatever comes out of someones mouth they are either just trying to make me feel better or have an ulterior motive. But I know you are not like that- I just have to remind myself of that.
So I will try my best to show you just how good of a sub and girlfriend I can be. I've been in the wrong mindset for a while and I know that and I am getting back to living in the moment.