Sunday, December 19, 2010

The Truth, The Whole Truth and Nothing But The Truth

So I may have unintentionally lied when I made a comment in my last post. I've debated about posting on this topic for a few days now. It goes against my whole feeling of trying to keep things intimate in our relationship. But I can't help but keep thinking of this topic since I thought about writing it. Plus I did a disservice to someone when I made the comment I made :) So I want to correct it. I figure what the hell! Why not write about it? So what if it's intimate. I've shared all my other intimate moments- whats one more? Plus I realized that just because I share my stories- that doesn't make it less intimate in our relationship because when it actually happens we are the only two actually living the story and my blog is just me sharing my thoughts. It doesn't make it less intimate however many people know what happened because the connection is still just between Kinky and myself. I am just joyfully telling my tale of experiences and sharing my happiness with others.

I want to say one thing first before I get into my story. When I first got into the lifestyle I came across a few sub's blogs and they were all about their journey with their Dom's- honestly they were just a public love letter. Every post just went on and on about their devotion and love for their Dom. That's what made me want to start a blog. I thought as soon as I find a Master I will start my own blog so I can write all those wonderful things that I feel for my Master. It could be a way to show my devotion and appreciation for all he does. Due to the "comical" scenarios I got myself into looking for a "Master" I decided to start my blog prematurely. It would be about my whole journey to finding my Dom. Now that I've found my Dom, my Sir; I can now post about what I wanted to in the first place.

As I said before I wanted this new blog to have a more tender feel to it- for that exact reason- to talk about my love and devotion and experiences with Kinky- my Sir when it comes to the lifestyle. But I've held back because I thought Oh that's totally taking it too far! Not only will Kinky think I've lost my mind and freak cause he'll think I care TOO much for him, but my readers may want to vomit from the sickly sweetness of it! I stepped back and I realized this is my blog, my journey. It's not about what others will like and wont like- its my baby, my place to vent and say whatever I want. Lately I figured out I've been trying to please my readers instead of discussing what I want to. As for Kinky maybe thinking I care too much- I don't worry about that anymore. We both have the same mindset- we are in the moment and not thinking of the future. It's not like I'm saying "I want to marry you!" I'm just stating what I feel at exactly that moment and at this exact moment I love him so much and I want to share my feelings. I'm not worrying what the future holds- all I care about is this moment and this moment alone. So what if we end up going separate ways later on- that doesn't change the fact that I love him right here and right now. The future is the future- I'll get there when I get there, whether it be alone or not.

So I asked Kinky if I should still just call him Kinky on my blog or since it pertains to the lifestyle if he wanted me to start addressing him as Sir. He left it up to me to decide. At first I thought of course I'm calling you Sir now! You mean that much to me and you are the one I have decided to submit to completely. Of course you're Sir. But- it's tough to decide because he's not just my Dom. Our connection has many different layers. He's my Dom yes, but he's also my boyfriend and my close friend. So if I just addressed him as Sir that doesn't include all he is to me. Our connection is not always D/s the whole time we're together. We also hold normal friendly conversations where there is no D/s dynamic and we also have a more intimate, emotional connection as well. So it's actually really hard to put a "label" on what we are. BUT- I do respect him as my Dom so I want to show that respect and devotion to him, but I don't want to undermine the rest of our connection. So I decided I'll call him Sir Kinky- or Sir K for short cause Sir Kinky just kinda sounds like some cheesy porn name or something he he. It includes Sir but I still keep his nickname in there that he started with when we were just play partners, friends and eventually developed feelings for one another. It's kind of a joining of the two- him as my Dom and lover, friend. So Kinky will now be addressed as Sir K :)

Soooo- with that long intro- yes I am now making this blog more about my devotion, love and experiences with Sir K. If there are certain topics I want to discuss I will but the bulk of my blog will be my experiences and feelings of my experience as Sir K's sub. No I am not just a sub- there is more to me than that but this blog is about the lifestyle and in the lifestyle I am Sir K's sub. I've realized that I do have a deep need for submission- I can't deny that anymore. I will always be into BDSM- so I take submission very seriously and when I say I want to be a good sub- I want to be a good sub. Yes I have an emotional connection with Sir K, but I also want to honor and keep in mind the D/s dynamic in our connection. I'm not one that wants every aspect of my life controlled- I'm too independent for that. But when I am with Sir K I think I am always aware of that dynamic of submission. I see him as the one who has the final say on anything. I see him as the leader and I'm the follower. I can give suggestions but he has the authority to make the final decision.

Getting back to my actual topic. Before I stated I had never "made love". That's not actually true. I have- once. But at the time I was not aware of my feelings- I just thought it was one damn good night- like nothing I'd ever felt before. But now that I realized I was actually in love with Sir K, I know it was making love. I'm very hesitant in posting this because I honestly don't know if it was the same for him.He may think I'm a total lunatic or may not have had any thoughts of tenderness or caring at the moment- he may have thought of it as a fuckin great night. But- I said I was going to start being more open- so here I go! The truth- even if the feelings were only one sided.

Where to start? It was the first night we went to BaGG together. We were pretty much just friends, play partners- hadn't discussed feelings or anything. Every interaction we'd had involved D/s when it came to anything physical. It started out great; talked with friends and did our share of hugging and kissing. But when we sat down by ourselves- that's when the dynamic seemed to take on a little bit of a different feel. It wasn't just lust- there was actual tenderness there. Of course mostly lust at that point :) But you could definitely feel the tenderness in the dynamic. We just cuddled most of the time and enjoyed each others company and bonded. We didn't talk the whole time, we just sat there holding each other mostly- mixed with making out and whispered desires.

On the drive home we had our most intimate conversation to date I think. Or I just felt so comfortable and close to him in that moment that it seemed very intimate. I felt more comfortable than I have ever with someone that early on. I remember him saying a few things and thinking is this guy for real?! Or is he just trying to play the nice, caring guy? But I could tell he was very genuine. So when we finally got home the feel of the whole night really shifted for me. Normally before whenever we played it was more a feeling of lust, need, pleasure, anticipation, purely physical. Not that night- it was more of a mental connection. It really hit me when instead of calling me slut he called me Baby. After that first Baby it wasn't about being physically close to him- I didn't just think about how good it felt. The only thoughts running through my head was that I had never felt so emotionally connected with a person than in that moment. Yes I wanted to be as physically close as I could but it was only because I wanted to be emotionally close to him. Seeing as I can't climb into someones brain- I just held him tightly and gripped him as hard as I could while he whispered in my ear the sweetest things I've ever heard.

Before if anyone called me Baby I hated it, couldn't stand it. It made me feel like a little girl or something. But when the word Baby came from his lips it just melted my heart. Each time he said it it made me want to be even closer to him. That one word- every time he said it I not only melted- I felt like- I'm his; yes, I'm your Baby. Still to this day when he calls me Baby or better yet "My Baby" I still can't help but smile and it melts my heart every time. It wasn't ALL tenderness that night- not physically anyways. But you could just feel the mental connection going on. Feeling as mentally close as you can to a person- that to me is making love. It goes beyond the physical aspect. At the time I wasn't aware I loved Sir K- but now I know that is the night I fell in love with him. That whole evening- I felt the closest to him that I ever have. Don't get me wrong- BDSM and crazy sex- I love it!!! But it's going to be hard to top that night, very hard. We both agree that was one special night. I'm not sure if it's for the same reasons- but it definitely is a night that stands out to both of us.

Thinking about this post made me realize- yes I know D/s is for me and I love things rough and crazy and animalistic. But I do enjoy the occasional more tender moments as well. But 9 times out of 10- I'd rather be fucked than make love. Called a slut instead of Baby :) That's just the way I am. BDSM is a major thing for me when it comes to sex- I just love things to be more extreme. But I so want to feel that connection again- just once. It was wonderful and will be one experience I will never forget. It wasn't Dom and sub- it was Kinky and Mariposa. No scene, no hair pulling, spanking, biting, roughness, no tricks or toys. It was us- connecting.

Of course you can't plan moments like that- they just happen. It's not something you can force. Just like certain scenes are more intense and pleasurable. It just happens. So I hope we are able to connect like that again and I look forward to more intense scenes as well ;)

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