Fuckin Perfect

So you know by now that I have many insecurities but I am actively working on them. Or I'm just a spaz- I think it's a little of both. Hey, I'm the first to admit my faults alright? We all got em, so instead of hiding them why not flaunt them? No ones perfect- my biggest fault, I'm a spaz. Do they have support groups for that? They should, there's enough of us out there. Hello, I'm Mariposa and I'm a spaz. Whew! First step is to admit- glad that's out of the way. The reason I bring up faults is because I had a conversation with Sir K the other day. He looks to me for comfort because I'm just such a compassionate person I guess. I care so much for others I want to do what I can to make everyone happy and I am very sympathetic, so much so that my mood is strongly effected by the people I am around. I just pick up on others emotions.



The reason I bring up the topic is because I didn't realize until today when I got all spastic- yet again! That just as Sir K turns to me for comfort- I turn to him for affirmation, a reality check. I know he is an honest person so whenever I start having doubts about myself or feel less than I tell him and he brings me back down to earth. I don't bring up my worries to bring him down at all- that's the last thing I want to do. I want him to be happy, so I am sorry if I bring you down when I bring up my irrational fears and worries. But I know if I mention them to him he'll make me feel better and put me back on the path of positive thinking. Sometimes I flip about the most ridiculous things and believe me- I know they're ridiculous. But sometimes I get so inside my head that I need someone to bitch slap me and be like "Hey! Knock it off!" and Sir K does that for me. But if it does get tiring Sir, tell me and I wont bring it up to you anymore. I know that can be really annoying at times. It's not that I'm asking Sir to fix my so called issues at the time. It's not that at all. Sometimes it just takes someone pulling me back to reality. It's something I can handle on my own, it just takes me much longer than if I tell Sir about it. Just like he looks to me to comfort him when he has to work through certain things.


When we were talking about one one of my irrational fears it really made me think. I was telling Sir K that sometimes I feel like since we have an open relationship that I feel like I could be replaced anytime. Like nothing I offer is special- he could find it with anyone. But one comment he made put me back in check and thinking straight. I do offer something no one else can- me. No matter how similar a connection is or if personalities are similar- we're still different. No one- not even identical twins are exactly alike. So no matter what- I offer something unique- myself. That could never be replaced just like I could never replace another because we are all special in our own way. Also if I don't offer something someone else can I shouldn't feel less than because I can offer something they can't as well. We are all equal and should never feel less than. We should all take pride in our differences, our uniqueness. Good and bad qualities, even if it is a bad quality it's still part of who we are and we have to embrace it. Also- even bad qualities are good for something. OK- to a certain extent :)


So in a poly relationship, yes here I go again! In a poly relationship- what makes it work is that each person offers something different. That is why I like the idea of a close group instead of having separate relationships with partners. If you are a group and you all get along and are all committed to the dynamic working- you all offer something different in that dynamic. OK- I'll admit something. Honestly- I think it would be awesome to be in a triad. Of course we would all have to get along great for that to work. Plus- it has to happen naturally- that's not something you can force. All parties have to be open to it and want it to work. But that to me would be awesome because not only do you have one person for support- you have two people that care and support you. How could that not be better than one? Two is better than one :) But again- I think that takes a very special bond between the individuals for that to be successful.


Anyways- back to the topic. This discussion made me start thinking about my personality traits, what I bring to the table. The good and the bad. I know we all tend to want to hide our bad traits- but why should we? They are still part of us- they make us who we are. Even with those bad traits we're still all fuckin perfect the way we are and no one should ever make you feel any different. If there is a quality about you that someone has a problem with- fuck em! If they can't accept you just the way you are then they are not worth your time and aren't someone that would stick around anyways. No ones perfect; If you think you are then let me bitch slap you off your high horse and bring you back down to reality with the rest of us! So I'm embracing my uniqueness- bad qualities and all. I encourage you all to do the same. Come on- self exploration can be fun and very beneficial. Believe me! After basically three years of it- I know what I'm talking about.


So what do I offer? What are my personality traits that make me unique? Lets start on a positive note shall we? My good qualities- no one else knows you better than yourself so don't let others tell you what you are and are not. Here I go- good qualities:


I'm very passionate. I'm passionate in every aspect of my life. When I do or feel something I don't take the time to do it unless I am very passionate about it. I'm either all in- or not. I put my whole heart into things- if I don't feel passionate about it, I'm not going to waste my time with it. There's no in between for me, it's black and white. I either love it or hate it. So that's good in the aspect of relationships because that way you know if I'm investing my time and feelings into you, then I truly care for you. I give 100% in every relationship I'm in whether it be friendship or romantic. Some people may view my black and white perspective on things as harsh- but it is what it is. Also- I've been accused of being too passionate by a few- you know what? Piss off! If you think that, then you're not worth my "passionate" filled time.


Second, I accept others for who they are, I don't judge. I may not personally like the way they are- but that doesn't mean I don't accept them; just that we are too different to see eye to eye- that's all. At the end of the day you just have to be happy with who you are- not everyone has to like it or accept it- but I strongly believe you have to be true to yourself and be who you are or else you will never be happy. So- yeah to diversity! :)


Third, I'm a very caring person. I tend to put everybody else's feelings before mine. That could be bad in a sense that when you worry about making everyone else happy- your own happiness can be overlooked in the process. It's a balance,which I'm learning. That is why I was so unhappy for so many years- I only worried about others. But I've learned you have to take time for yourself every once in a while if you want to stay happy- it's ok to be selfish from time to time. You have to receive as well as give. Not just give, give, give and expect to be happy at the end of the day.


Fourth, I'm a nurturer. What do you think of first when you hear nurture- if you're like me you think Mother. Seeing as I think Mothers are the least sexy thing in the world I used to think this was a bad quality. Sorry- even though I am a Mom I don't want that stigma of a stick in the mud that has no sex drive whatsoever and doesn't know how to have fun or be sexy. I guess I just associate those things with a Mother/nurturer because growing up my BFF was always the sexy one and the guys always said I was the sweet one. Sooo- what, just because I'm not a bitch I can't be sexy? Well, I love my BFF to death- but uh, I knows I'm hotter than her ok? That's saying something because I really don't think I'm hot. But she knows I love her ;)


Yes, you don't know how many times I heard this comment- "You're not the right now type. You're the settle down and get married type. You're too sweet to be a bombshell." So you'd want to marry me but not fuck me? Is that what you're saying?! Most women would be like "awwww- how sweet." Not me! It pissed me off! Why? Because every married woman I know turns into this sexless, nagging witch! I am not that! I am a very sexual person and I hate naggers. So that to me is an insult! Now I'm older and I know the meaning behind what they were saying :) They were saying "I know that I can't get into your pants just for being male so I'm taking the easy road and sleeping with your slutty friend." It's ok- she admits she's easy. I wouldn't say it unless she agreed. So I thought of being nurturing as a bad thing. It's not, plus it's who I am. I can't change that. Even though I guess you could call me a bit of a feminist- I would make the perfect housewife. Not only am I nurturing with my daughter- but in relationships I'm always trying to take care of others and I want them to fulfill their full potential and let them know they are capable of anything. Also I tend to be like those southern Mama's- I wait on you hand and foot. Do you want a drink? You hungry? Here- eat, I made a meal big enough for 50! You hot or cold? You comfortable? How do you feel today? Tell me what's bothering you. Aww- it's ok, I'm here for you. Yeah- I hate to admit it but that's me. I'm the perfect little trophy wife when it comes to those things! Blah!


Fifth, I'm affectionate, well only with a few. Others I'm like "Don't you understand personal space? Back the fuck up!" Generally the more affectionate you are with me the more affectionate I am with you. It just brings it out in me when the affection is returned. I'm not going to be affectionate to someone who doesn't show me affection- it works both ways people.


Sixth, I'm a very faithful person. If I have any commitment to you- whether it be friendship or a relationship- once the rules are laid out of what is expected, I stick to them. I would never go against something I promised someone. Now- if you break your promise to me- bye! But I have never been one to break a promise.

Seventh, I have a great sense of humor. I've always been the class clown type. I'll do anything to get a laugh- I don't care how foolish I look. Sometimes I may be the only one laughing- but what are you gonna do? You can't take yourself seriously all the time. Life would get boring. That's why no matter how stupid some of my fears and reactions are- when I look back I can laugh at myself and think "why did you let something that ridiculous bother you?" I know I'm out there and I know I'm odd as they come- but I think that just makes me that much more fun to be around!


Last but not least, I'm a positive thinker. I can pretty much find the good in anything. No matter how bad things get in your life, or the situations you go through- there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Even if something bad happens to you- there is always some positive to it. You may hit rock bottom, have nowhere to go- but you learned a lesson and it makes you a stronger person. That attitude is what got me through all the shit that I've dealt with in my life. Never let something hold you down or dictate how the rest of your life will turn out based on one bad thing. It is your choice how you handle the issue. You either embrace it and learn from it or you stay in your sad little world and never be happy. It seems the harder you struggle- the outcome seems to be that much more rewarding. At least in my case :)


So moving on to not so good qualities. Like I said I'm a positive thinker so I think of our bad qualities as a double edged sword- it may be bad but more than likely there is good in it. Like my spaziness. Can get very annoying and stressful. My mind takes the smallest thing and blows it way out of proportion. Like my rant about flying snakes; come on- what are the chances of me running into a flying snake and like they could really strangle me. But you never know! :) Or the mutant bug in my house that could have had hundreds of venomous teeth that would paralyze me with one bite! It was a bug that wasn't even three inches long. Really? It's gonna be able to paralyze you and eat you whole? No, it's not. It all comes down to a very active imagination which can be a very positive thing. If not for anything else but a good laugh. But an active imagination is great in many ways- it helps me with my creativity and finding solutions for things. Even helpful for those who enjoy mind fucks- doesn't take much to get me going. But an active imagination is not so good at three in the morning in a house alone and the branch scratching on the window prompts you to think maybe it's an axe murderer who will break the window, climb in and rape you, kill you, chop your body into little pieces and throw you in the river and kidnap your child. Yeah- that's when it's not so fun!


Next- my goldfish brain. Sometimes I see a shiny object and I lose concentration. Or mid conversation I'll see some cute boots or a cute purse and I am no longer listening to what you are saying.  Or I'll walk into a room and forget what the hell I walked in there for and it's been less than 10 seconds! I have at least 10 things going on in my head at all times. Example of Mariposa's brain at any given moment of the day: I want some more coffee, I wonder if that squirrel I saw on the way into work got hit, do I look fat at this angle?, I'm singing in the rain just singing in the rain what a glorious fee..., oooh cute shoes!, I'm horny as hell, Like a virgin touched for the very first ti.. did I turn my headlights off?, I need to pee, what the hell was I working on? Yep- every moment of every day!  I can wrap my mind around the most complicated of things yet when it comes to something like simple math- I have to stop and think about it! Um- the positive? I don't know I'm still working on that one.


I am one of the most stubborn people you will ever meet. I am hard headed and if I have an opinion or don't want to do something- good luck trying to persuade me because it's not going to happen. Just as I wont give up on anything- I will fight until I get the outcome I want or someone overpowers me. The bad part- sometimes I fight my point just because I am hard headed, I may be wrong and know I'm wrong but wont admit it. The positive- perseverance, I never give up.


A really bad quality- I have one hell of a temper. It doesn't come out very often and it does take a lot- I mean like years of anger for it to come out. But when it comes out, boy you better take cover because you do not want to deal with the wrath that is Mariposa. It's like a volcano erupting and everything that has bothered me for the past three years will come out. You will have no fuckin clue what I'm talking about cause it happened two years ago- but I'll pull out my little Rolodex in my brain and recall all the shit that I'm pissed about. That is why I am very open with Sir K- if anything is bothering me at all I let him know right then and there so I don't hold it in for a long time and blow up.


I'm a very quiet, laid back person so when I get angry people just stand there with their mouths wide open in amazement at how bad my temper is. It also takes a LOT to calm me down once the dragon has come out. But generally I only go off on people only if I am done with them and I know they will no longer be a part of my life. It takes a lot to anger me so if you anger me enough to awaken the dragon- you've probably done something pretty bad to piss me off and my ass is done with you. The positive aspect in that? Even though it may not be a good thing I think of it as a bit of karma coming back to bite you in the ass. Also- even though it may take a lot- in the end I will stand up for myself if need be.


Last bad trait- low self esteem. Due to numerous people in my life constantly putting me down and growing up in dance where they judge your worthiness on outer appearance only- I tend to judge myself too harshly. I competed in ballet for 13 years. In that industry looks, weight is everything. Your worth in that field is based solely on your looks. So growing up hearing even though I weighed less than a healthy weight for my height that I needed to lose 10-15 more pounds- kinda gives you a complex! Yes I weigh more now than I used to. Even though I am in a healthy weight for my height, yes it is on the upper end of the scale, I feel like a fuckin moose! I'm used to being model thin for goodness sake! So now that I weigh more I have no confidence whatsoever because I grew up believing if you're not beautiful and thin- you're nothing. They would tell me things about my looks as well- things I can't change. Like- "your forehead is too big, your face is too round." Yeah- if I could tell my body to drop the weight in certain places in my body I'd do it! You think I like the round face look? No! That's just me! "You're too tall for a female. Your muscles in your legs are too bulky." Sure- I'll tell my legs to slow down on the muscle development- seeing as I dance on them for fuckin 6+ hours a day- they're gonna be big!!! So I have very low self esteem when it comes to my appearance- I think it means everything. I don't judge others that way, only myself. The positive? Um- I'm humble? hehe


So there you go- I know I have many more good and bad qualities but those are the ones that stand out to me. There's me- the good and the bad. Take it or leave it- cause I'm fuckin perfect just the way I am. We all are. The reason I chose that title- fuckin perfect is because it is the name of a Pink song. I swear she's my idol! I so want her as my BFF! She is hard core but can still be feminine- I love it!!! Ever since she has been popular- it's the oddest thing, but every song that was popular at the time of hers- explained my situation perfectly. I'd listen to her songs and thought OMG! She wrote this song for me! It explains my life perfectly at the moment! Odd- but true. I wish I had the balls to just tell it like it is like she does! Anyways- I have a new theme song. Yeah- laugh it up! I'm obsessed with music ok? I listened to it all the way to work today over and over again, singing at the top of my lungs- you can laugh, it was pretty comical I must admit. The song is called Fuckin Perfect. I think it's a damn good message and it puts things back in perspective for me. I think everyone can benefit from it- so here's the lyrics:


Made a wrong turn, once or twice
Dug my way out, blood and fire
Bad decisions, that's alright
Welcome to my silly life
Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood
Miss 'No way, it's all good', it didn't slow me down
Mistaken, always second guessing, underestimated
Look, I'm still around

Pretty, pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like your less than fuckin perfect
Pretty, pretty please, if you ever ever feel like you're nothing
You're fuckin perfect to me

You're so mean when you talk about yourself, you were wrong
Change the voices in your head, make them like you instead
So complicated, look happy, you'll make it
Filled with so much hatred, such a tired game
It's enough! I've done all I can think of
Chased down all my demons, I've seen you do the same

Pretty, pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than fuckin perfect
Pretty, pretty please, if you ever ever feel like you're nothing
You're fuckin perfect to me

The whole world's scared so I swallow the fear
The only thing I should be drinking is an ice cold beer
So cool in line and we try, try, try but we try too hard and it's a waste of my time
Done looking for the critics, cause they're everywhere
They don't like my jeans, they don't get my hair
Exchange ourselves, and we do it all the time
Why do we do that? Why do I do that?
Why do I do that?

Pretty, pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than fuckin perfect
Pretty, pretty please if you ever ever feel like you're nothing
You're fuckin perfect to me

So I'm fuckin perfect and so are you! We're all fuckin perfect! Remember when all the haters get you down- you're fuckin perfect.