Thursday, December 23, 2010

I've Been Neutered

That's right folks- my non existent balls are no more. Let me explain myself a little further. You're probably thinking "Um- one, your a woman and two, you are still a sex addict- so how could you be neutered?" Well- yes I am a woman and no I don't mean I've been neutered in a sense that I've lost my sexual drive- I would fuckin die if that happened! No ifs ands or buts- if that happens just shoot me and put me out of my misery! I mean in the sense that emotionally I've turned into a girl. Fuck! That's almost as bad as losing your sex drive! Actually it's a toss up at this point.

I realized today that- I'm no longer worrying about the what ifs- no that is not in my head at all. I'm living in the moment and plan to continue. No- the reason I've been a little upset the past few days is because I realized actually how much I've let Sir K in. It doesn't scare me per say- I just feel out of control. I'm used to being by myself- completely independent. But now when I feel down or am lonely or depressed I turn to Sir K instead of dealing with those feelings on my own like I used to. I'm a fuckin girl now! Why!!!!! Why did this have to happen? See- I may be very feminine in the way I dress and act and look- but inside I am not built like your typical woman. I think that's why I get along with men so much better than women. I'm normally not one that gets all emotional and cheesy and romantic. OMG- I think I just pucked a little. That word- romance- sends chills down my spine. See- in all my other relationships and when talking to girlfriends I would flip if they started getting all mushy and emotional. I'm honestly normally the guy in the relationship and whenever someone mentions any emotion I'm like "whoa there Seabiscuit! Slow the fuck down. Could you keep that shit to a minimum? I mean for God's sake we've only been together for 3 years! Don't be talking future with me!" If any of my girlfriends started talking about the "love of their lives" I would immediately check out. Don't bring up that sappy crap to me! I don't want to sit around and talk emotions and thoughts of a future and all that shit. If I'm talking about a man- I'm usually talking about what went on the night before and how fuckin great it was! "All you ever think about is sex!" My BFF always said that to me- um, yep pretty much.

No matter what men have done for me in relationships I never ever melted from the sweetness of something. They would buy me these sentimental gifts- put hours of work into it. I'd be the one that gave him like a pair of gloves or something. They'd look at me like "I made that bowl by hand and painted it! Did you put any thought into this gift whatsoever?!" Yeah I did! Everyone has hands- who doesn't need a pair of gloves? Geez! Or they would come up with these little nicknames for me- oh hell no! I ain't your hunny bunny, your sweetheart, your baby, your woman, your babe, your love or your babydoll! Don't be getting all sentimental on my ass or I will have to slap you back into reality! Am I wearing a gown or have a tiara on my head or have long hair you can climb up or riding on a horse? No- cause this is not a damn fairytale! I don't need saving, I don't need flowers and sonnets and handmade shit. Just drop your pants and lets get this over with I'm dying here!

But for some reason with Sir K I've completely turned into a fuckin girl! Whenever we have deep conversations about emotions I swear to God my feelings get deeper and deeper. Which makes me even more of a fuckin girl! Before I didn't want to depend on another and didn't want protection or want to connect emotionally with anyone. But now here I am- whenever we go out to BaGG I look to him to be like my protection. Or if I think someone is being disrespectful or not getting a clue about me not being interested I tell him and I love the fact that he says "you want me to handle them?" Inside I'm thinking "Yes!!" But I don't let him. I figure I'm a big girl I can take care of things myself- I have been pretty much all my life so why should that change? But it gets to me that I actually WANT him to help me and be there for me. Since when am I so freakin vulnerable? Since when do I give that much control to another willingly? Also- he says he loves me and calls me Baby and my Love and I melt! I can't help but smile- Fuck I really have turned into a girl!

I find myself thinking about him and missing him and getting upset and thinking "I want to see him! Why wont he make time for me?!" What the hell! Since when do I care so much about being around someone? Plus- he is the one in control of when I can see him so I'm totally at his freakin mercy when it comes to things like that. I just have to sit and wait for him to "make time" for me. Dammit! I- me, Mariposa is at someone else's mercy instead of them being at my mercy! I really have gotten soft in my old age. Instead of avoiding conversations of emotions and dreading actually having those feelings for someone- I'm like in my own fuckin musical in my head! I want to skip down the road scattering rose petals everywhere! Stopping strangers on the street "Hey! I'm in love!!! I could have danced all night, I could have danced all night....." Oh- My- God. I have become one of those girls I loathe! I've turned into a God Damn female!

Now I find myself talking to Sir K and just the smallest thing will make me think "OH! I love him! That is so sweet! That just made me fall in love with you even more!" Fuck! Girl- taking- over! Must- run! I want to make sentimental gifts and write love poems and "prove my love". Holy shit! Ugh! Just shoot me before I transform all the way. God help me if I become naggy! Just put me in the electric chair if that happens! Please- I will thank you! Yeah- I'm trying to get used to this feeling- now I know how all my girlfriends feel! It's horrible! Ok- so it really isn't :) But it makes me feel totally crazy because I'm not used to being that way at all. Seriously! I find myself thinking of certain things and I flip! "Where the hell did that come from?!" It just makes me feel that much more vulnerable because I'm wanting to do things I never have before. Plus- I feel like I have no control whatsoever. I'm used to being the one that calls all the shots when it comes to relationships. But now I'm on the other side and I'm the one that I sit and wonder if I am the lovesick one and Sir K is sitting there thinking "Whoa! Calm down- geez! For fuck sake you are so more emotionally involved in this than I am or ever will be. Get a damn life!!!"

Do they have a medication to help with girliness? Have they found a cure for that one yet? No? Well they need to start on that STAT- it's a fuckin epidemic! So yeah- instead of thinking about all the what ifs and worrying about that- now I'm worried and afraid of giving in too much and letting Sir K in too much. But at the same time I want nothing more than to let go completely and just fall into the emotions I am feeling. It's like right now I'm at the edge of the ocean and at first I was dipping my feet in from time to time. Then I started to walk out into the water but have been freaked a few times by the cold and I jump back out of the water. Now I'm standing in the water and I'm used to the cold but I'm trying to get up the nerve to actually jump in and completely immerse myself in the water. So yes I feel very vulnerable because not only does he have control when it comes to the lifestyle- he ultimately has control of my heart now. That's a scary thing to admit and to think about. But- here's to getting up the nerve to dive in! We shall see- I just hope I don't get even more girly!

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