Well that last post just opened up the floodgates. Now I know whats been bothering me. Fear. I fear so many things right now. I try to live in the moment and just go with the flow but I keep waiting and worrying that something is going to go wrong. I'm not used to healthy relationships- I've honestly never been in a healthy relationship. I'm so used to guys breathing down my neck and wanting to control every aspect of my life and contacting me nonstop every day. So for me to have freedom to do as I please with my life still seems so odd to me. So I'm on edge just waiting for things to change- or for there to be a problem or Kinky changing and turning into an asshole just like every other man in my life has. But it's not anything that Kinky has done- all this is just based on my own insecurities that I fight with every day. I try to get over my insecurities and I know that I'm truly the only one that can fix those insecurities. Others can reassure me and be there for me but ultimately it is my battle to fight. I try not to talk about it either because I know that can get tiring if you are forever having to reassure someone. So I try not to burden people with it. It can really hurt a relationship if you are forever having to reassure someone. But I know I am one that does need that little reminder every once in a while how much I mean to someone and that they still want to be with me. I'm not saying every day but just little subtle reminders or just taking a minute to do something special, out of the ordinary. We all need that though- I think it's natural as humans we want to know we're cared for and accepted.
My biggest worry right now, one I can't help thinking about? I truly, truly try because I am one that no longer believes in monogamy- is new toy syndrome. That anyone new brought in will become the new favorite and get the most time and attention and I'll be pushed to the side. Which will make that connection grow stronger while mine is put on hold and starts to lessen which in turn makes the bond stronger between the others. It's only natural. Of course we are all like that. Think about it- that feeling you have in a new relationship- kinda the honeymoon phase where you are so happy to talk and be with that person and your thoughts are filled with them during the day. Once you've been with someone for a while that wears off and you still care for that person but its lost that spark. We all crave that feeling. Why else would we hear of people trying to bring back the spark in their relationship?
So now that Kinky and I are more settled and getting comfortable with our connection I'm afraid that if someone new comes along that spark will start and I'll be pushed to the back burner. Kinky has told me he cares about my feelings because I came around before the others. I love that- but that makes me think- don't just keep me around out of loyalty. I don't want that to be the only reason I'm around. I want to be around because you love me and you want me in your life and I'm important to you. I don't just want to be grandfathered in. I want to be your primary because I mean that much to you and not just because I happen to meet you first or connect with you first. That feels more like I'm just filling a position that anyone could be in- not that I'm cared for and loved- but more so just another warm body to fill the spot. Again- just my insecurities, nothing more. But if it ever gets to that point- don't just keep me around out of loyalty.
Also I worry I'll fall into that category I always seem to fall into- average. Yes I want to be loved and cared for but I still want that lust there. I don't want a connection just based on emotions. I want to know the person is attracted to me and wants me as well. Especially in something so focused on the physical connection as BDSM. So many times I've been told I have the girl next door look- which is fine, I mean it is what it is. I can't change the way I look. But that to me is just average. I'm never told you're hot or damn you're fine. I'm just easy on the eyes. I know I'm not a bombshell and that's OK- that is just my own insecurity I have to deal with. But it gets so tiring- everything about me is average. I'm not ugly but I'm not smoking hot- I'm your every day decent looking chick. I'm not skinny but I'm not fat- I'm more on the average, curvy side. I'm not a prude but I'm not kinky as all get out- I'm in the middle of the pack. I don't stand out on any aspect- I just blend in. Sometimes I'm even invisible and I worry since I'm so average that I'll be forgotten or overlooked.
I see Kinky so happy and like making it a point to show how attractive Hottie is- which don't get me wrong she is a beautiful, lovely, sweet individual- she is very attractive. But yet I don't feel that same pride and happiness when it comes to my looks which makes me feel so much less attractive, average. But again- mostly my own insecurities talking- so take it with a grain of salt. So there you go- I guess that explains the dormant feeling. I'm just afraid of being forgotten or just kept around due to loyalty and not feelings. We're more settled in our connection now so I'm thinking any minute that spark will fade and die and then he will find it with another. So that's where the thought "now what?" comes in. I'm waiting for the ball to drop- which is ridiculous. I'm just waiting for something to change- dreading that change. But I need to stop that because all it is doing is making me unhappy and I'm worrying about things that COULD happen instead of living in the moment. I'm worrying about things that might not even happen.
I do care for Kinky so much that I'm just afraid of losing him. We both have these fears of abandonment and I know that so I am trying my hardest to show I'm not going anywhere and that I care. Kinky has said the same- I just need to trust. I need to take Kinky's word for what it is and not try to read into it or think that it's going to change overnight. I just need to believe, trust and live life to the fullest :) Here's to taking life by the horns and being happy. Oh- and fear, yeah you in the back corner all curled up. Pack your bags and get the hell out of my life and don't ever let me catch you around these parts again!