Ever had times in your life where you can't figure out what's bothering you? Or a feeling that something needs to be fixed or altered in some way? That's how I've felt recently. I can't figure out what this nagging feeling is that I have. It's not that I feel something needs to be fixed- it's more a feeling of dormancy. Now what? I am the happiest I've been in a long time- why am I not content with what I have? I feel something is lacking- but I don't know what. It is getting old. I still have no idea whats bothering me. I've tried to take time to figure out what it is but I have yet to. That's why I've taken a break on posting my experiences. I thought maybe I'm tired of everyone knowing all my experiences. Maybe I need a little intimacy, keep things between me and Kinky. At this point now for me it feels like everyone is involved in our connection because I talk so much about my feelings and experiences that I feel like I'm losing the closeness I had with Kinky actually. But I miss writing about it- I want everyone to hear about my journey because I am loving every second of it and I want others to see how happy I am and it is also my little way to give feedback :)
(break from writing- 30 minutes) Epiphany
You know it's strange how the mind works. I sat down to write about being confused and not knowing what the matter was- then I go back and read what I wrote and without knowing it I wrote down everything that has been bothering me! It just came out of nowhere- the minute the pen touched the paper it just flowed out. There are three things that I think are to blame for my nagging feeling. The first issue is some of the feedback I've been getting from my blog. This used to be a place for me to vent, tell it like it is- no secrets. A place that I could anonymously tell my deep dark secrets. Now I have so many in my life that read it that know me personally that I feel like I can't tell the whole truth- I have before and I was ridiculed for what I stated. This isn't a story, this is real life so of course some posts wont be as interesting. Also I may post quite a few posts having to do with the same thing for a while because I write about what is on my mind. So if I happen to be dealing with something for a while- I write multiple posts about it. It seems the posts about how much I care for Kinky really got to some people and they have just been hounding me about it. So then that makes me think did I go over the top and reveal too much about my emotions? Maybe I did! Maybe I do feel too strongly, too early! I need to cool it and keep my emotions in check. Take a chill pill. Some of the comments I've received make me feel stupid and ridiculous for feeling the things that I do so then in return I pull back from my connection with Kinky.
This is honestly really putting a damper on things for me with Kinky. I have not had the best luck with relationships in the past- going into this I had no intention of being in a relationship, feelings something for someone. I wasn't looking for a partner because I didn't want to deal with the emotions and the chance of getting hurt. So I am still very leary and careful of letting my guard down all the way. So every time a comment is made to me my wall goes back up completely and then I feel like I have to start all over again breaking that wall down. It makes me feel weak for letting myself open up to someone- it shouldn't be that way. I love Kinky- period. Why should I have someone trying to make me feel bad or weak about that? Love is a wonderful thing- I should be happy. I write about how I feel for Kinky and he likes what I write but then I have others telling me it's too much. So that makes me stop and think maybe I am feeling and revealing too much. Which in turn makes me pull back from Kinky which I think makes him pull back from me and then I sit and over analyze things and in my stupid mind come up with crazy ideas and think maybe I am too desperate and my feelings are not returned. Maybe I should just leave him alone for a while and let him live his life. Besides- I'm not worthy of anyones love. Why does he love me? He can't possibly love me. Who would love me and why? I'm not lovable. This back and forth is reeking havoc on my emotions and I can't take it anymore.
The second issue I figured out is one I mentioned in my first paragraph- I feel I am now lacking intimacy somewhat with Kinky because all is out there for everyone to see. So I kind of don't want to post about every single experience. I have posted about some of the most intimate times I've had in my life on here. Plus all this is new to me- I don't have much experience in BDSM so I think it means even more to me because it is my first time trying a lot of these things. Also I don't want Kinky feeling like "God! If I do that it will go up on the blog for all to see! There goes that plan!" I don't want it to be a burden or hold back anything for either of us. I did ask him if he liked me posting and he said he did- so I guess I'm more the one having an issue with it right now. It's like now instead of having two people in this relationship there are hundreds! Which I am happy about so many being interested in my story but at the same time I feel like our relationship is on display for all to see. To me that puts a lot of pressure on me for things to be good all the time- it shouldn't be that way. So at this point I'm not sure where that leaves me with posting my experiences. Maybe I will pick and choose or maybe I will continue posting all of them- I'm not sure yet. Or maybe I'll just make this a no comment zone since recently I have been receiving bad comments :)
The third thing isn't really a huge deal but it is something that is in the back of my mind. It's not something that keeps me up at night- more so something that enters my thoughts from time to time. Since I am in a poly relationship that leaves the door open for us to connect with others. I have no issues with that- what enters my thoughts from time to time is- he could just go out and get what we have with anyone else. I know that's not completely true- I know every connection is different with every person. I totally get that- even if he does find others he cares for the connection would still be different from what we have. But I feel that nothing is sacred in our connection. Like the other day I was thinking- he calls me baby and love and hun. I wonder if he addresses everyone that way and not just me. I mean no problem with it but those terms make me feel special and if he's just calling everyone that then it takes away that sentimental value, you know? Little things like that pop into my head. Like I wonder if he were to take someone else to BaGG if it would be as intimate a time as it is with us. I don't mean friends- I mean other partners. Or wondering when we play if he does that same thing with his other partners. Or is our play time completely different or just the same old crap as every other partner? I honestly feel like nothing could be special in our relationship between just the two of us because not only can he have other partners to do the same things with but I post our experiences for all to see. It takes away that feeling of closeness. I want that feeling of closeness I had just a few short weeks ago- I don't know what changed that much these past few weeks but I feel I have lost that closeness and I want it back.
That makes me think of something I heard another suggest in a poly relationship to keep that closeness and intimacy there with your primary. To keep one thing in the relationship that you only do with your primary partner. Whether it be cooking together, going to a certain place with just that person etc. Just something to keep between you and your primary so you know that connection is special. I think it is a good idea but I have no freakin idea what it would be- plus at this point we don't have a lot of different connections going on so it's not such a big worry. I'm trying to live life day by day and not think and worry about the future.
When I started this new blog I thought it would be a turning point in my life. My last blog was scattered with stories of asshole after asshole that I met. I intended to have a more caring, emotional vibe to this blog. My other blog was all sex, sex, sex all the time and I wanted this one to be more than just the physical aspects of things. I've found one I care for and I can have fun with and I wanted to show that off. But now I'm having to hold back things and feel bad about my emotions. It shouldn't be that way. So if you don't like it then don't read it. But please- stop with the negative feedback. It's just hurting my connection with Kinky in my opinion. Just let me go with the flow and feel what I want. I'm tired of feeling insecure with my connection with Kinky because of things said.
Yes I love Kinky. How much? What does the future hold for us? I don't know- I'm focusing on today. Not a week from now or a month, a year, years. I am in the now. You can't put a value on love. It's not something you can measure. How much? Well I'll use a term I think explains it and Kinky himself has used. I love him so fuckin much. OK? That's all I can give you. Don't ask again! Yeah- funny thing is when he said that to me I thought that is by far one of the sweetest things anyone has ever said to me Hahahaha! The fact that a phrase where someone uses the work fuck is sweet I think is hilarious. But it gets the point across- it's a strong word. So yeah- I fuckin love him! If you don't like it and don't like when I gush about it then don't read. Also- oh well if my feelings are not returned at the same intensity. That's between me and Kinky- not everyone else.