Monday, December 6, 2010

Go To Polly

Maybe that's what I should change my name to because apparently in the past few weeks I've become the go to girl for polyamory. I've had people messaging me left and right saying "hey! I'm interested in polyamory. Tell me about it. How does it work?" Um- do you not see where I put I'm new to poly? Also- why me out of everyone else out there that states they are poly? How the hell do these people find my profile and what makes me standout as all knowing?! If anything I think they would ask Kinky before me. You look at his profile and he's developing a little harem ;) Of course I mean that in a loving and joking manner. I like it actually- that's my man! That's right!

 But yeah- I'm trying to understand why and when I became go to Polly. I mean I'm flattered that others would want advice from me- it feels great! But I'm as new as they come. Plus it's not something that is cut and dry. Just like dominance and submission mean different things to people. It depends on how each couple chooses to set up their relationship. Honestly we are just starting to kind of discuss this ourselves. So there are a lot of things for me personally that are still up in the air. I've heard people say, sit down and make a list of rules on the relationship. That to me just seems odd- it's like writing up a contract. That doesn't seem intimate or personal at all. But the more I think about it I think it could be helpful in some ways. One being I think it would help me to feel more secure in my connection. I think that is why I have had so many different emotions going on lately- I'm still kind of unsure exactly where I stand in some aspects of our dynamic. I think it would help to clear things up and give me that security that I feel I'm lacking right now. But I'm not going to go to Kinky and be like "Look- we are meeting to put down everything on paper and get this settled!" That's just too much in my opinion.

Since so many want to know how it works and want to know more about it I'll tell you my own view on poly relationships and how they should work. Again- just my take on it. It doesn't have to be this way for everyone. OK- first things first. Poly-amory literally means many loves. It doesn't mean sexual encounters or many hot pieces of ass that I will fuck because it's and open relationship so anyone is game! It states love which implies a connection, feelings. Not just wam bam thank you ma'am it was fun now get the fuck out and I might call you. No that is a term call polyfuckery! Or it could be considered an open relationship. Generally an open relationship means you have your primary partner and are able to go out and do things with others as long as emotions are not involved. Polyamory on the other hand is an openness and acceptance of caring and having a meaningful relationship with more than one at a time. See the difference? Most think the terms open relationship and polyamory are the same things but they are not.

I'm not saying just because you identify as polyamorous that you have to have a connection with every person- but usually it is a more intimate group and not just going around screwing whoever you find hot. It can happen- but the dynamic needs to be divulged to your partners from the beginning or it may create problems. If you are with someone just to play and have fun then that needs to be out out in the open to everyone. If it is a more meaningful relationship and there are feelings involved that also needs to be out in the open. Which brings me to what I think is an important thing to keep in mind. I think people should be aware if you have a primary partner. It is important to put it out there which relationship will get the most time and attention. If you have more than one primary I think it would truly only work if all partners got along well or else that would create problems. Not just with primary partners either- even secondaries. I think if there are any emotions involved then the people that you are in those relationships with should get along and compliment each other. Or else it will create drama and jealousy and just chaos.

The most important rule I think: open communication. let everyone know from the beginning and always be open. Don't keep secrets- that would be called cheating even if it is an open relationship. Poly- your partners know of the others. Also that openness I've found creates such a stronger bond. You know ALL your partners thoughts so there is no reason for jealousy or insecurities or bitterness. You are free to be you. Without communication and honesty everything will crumble. It is the foundation of a good relationship whether it be poly or not. But I definitely think in poly relationships you have to work that much harder to be completely honest and committed. But it is so rewarding and worth it in the end. I think it takes much more work and dedication for a poly connection to succeed. We've all been known to get lazy in relationships and not do things the same that we used to. Or just don't go out of our way to show we care as much because we get comfortable and think "well they know I care for them. I mean I've only said I love you a million times and I'm still here- that should tell them I still care for them." That can create problems in any relationship but with poly I think that it could make things much worse because not only are there just two involved; there may be another partner involved and if you are showing more affection and trying more with one jealousy will rear its ugly head. So I think it is very important to take time every once in a while and do something special for each person to remind them and show them that you care. That in itself takes a lot of dedication and time because not only are you having to work on one connection but multiple.

That leads me to another important idea. I'm not the only one who thinks this way- I saw this mentioned numerous times when I talked to others that were poly. If you have a primary partner- it is important to establish a strong bond before you start bringing in other partners. The more people you bring into a dynamic the more hectic it can be due to time management and developing feelings for more than one at a time. I think it is important to work on one connection at a time. Once those partners are comfy and feel strong and sure in their connection then you can bring in another and focus on strengthening that connection. I see it as a group effort. I may be odd in my thinking but this would be my ultimate relationship. I don't see polyamory as separate connections between couples involved in the dynamic. I view it essentially as a relationship between ALL partners together. Not to say you both have to be romantically involved- just that there is an emotional connection between everyone involved and everyone is invested in the connection between everyone. I've heard of others refer to this as polymonogamy. Which is basically a commitment involved to only the people involved in the relationship. So it's not just a free for all and you just go and connect and fuck whoever you want and don't care what your other partners think.

I know that there are separate connections between each partner but I don't think that is the only connection that develops in polyamory. If one partner brings another into the dynamic the other partner also has to be ready to deal with the emotions that come with another individual. They have to take a step back and realize that the new connection needs time to blossom just as theirs did. That involves a lot of emotion. It's kind of  like putting your relationship on hold a bit and being secure in your connection with your partner and letting the new comer become confident in their connection and their place in the dynamic.

I mentioned before that I talked to a lot of individuals. I also did research like you would not believe online. I am a very logical thinker most of the time. I generally don't just act on my emotions. I usually look at the facts and act on the facts instead of letting my heart lead me. So when Kinky said I was his primary- I went right to my BFF and had a long conversation with them- Google. I live on that damn site. I thought OK- primary. What does that entail? What is expected of me? Where does that put me in the dynamic? What is the exact definition of primary partner? This is the real deal Mariposa- you are officially trying a polyamorous relationship. Facts. Get facts- what works, what doesn't work. Rules. Lists. Charts. Get to work! There I am going to town! These people say this works. Alright- set rules. Do this, don't do that. I had stacks of notes and pie charts and lists of rules and suggestions. OK, so no pie charts. That would just be over the top :) Not that notes and lists aren't? Yeah- like I said logical thinker people!

So there I am surrounded by papers of research- I take a minute and stop looking at it from a logical point of view and let my heart lead me for once. I thought it doesn't matter how a poly relationship should work- it's about what works best for each couple. There are no rules set in stone and what is right or wrong. So I decided- well, I know I love Kinky. I've found things that I think will help with our connection or if problems arise- but nothing in life is certain. You just have to go with the flow and whatever happens- happens. If a complication arises- deal with it when it comes along- don't anticipate the problems because that will create stress and feelings of inadequacy. Just focus on the reason why you want everything to work out- your love for Kinky. If you focus on that and foster that connection everything else will fall into place. So instead of trying to figure out what worked for others I decided to think and come up with what works for me alone in a poly relationship. I have yet to discuss a lot of this with Kinky but we've touched on a few things. But I think if we actually do make the time to sit down and talk about "rules" (sounds so official) that my feelings of inadequacy and lack of security in our connection will be no more. Like I said- very new so I am figuring things out as I go along- so of course I will be uncertain of a lot of things and may have to ask a lot of questions- bu this is a learning process and I'm ready for it because the people in my life are worth the work. I want to do everything I can to make this connection and relationship blossom and grow.


  1. They might be interested in the website. This is a group that's been around awhile.

    As someone that's been in a long-term poly relationship (formerly), I know that it can be both challenging and rewarding. I would just say that it's a bit for mature people, in that petty jealousies can make it very rocky. But it also can give you a lot of experience very quickly.

    Good luck with your blog!

  2. Aww- thank you. Yes that is one thing I was just thinking of the other day. That is the only way to describe it- you have to be a mature individual emotionally for a poly relationship to work. To me it's a must and I wouldn't want to bring in anyone that was younger emotionally because they tend to be the ones that start drama.

    Also I realized being self confident is a good trait to have as well so you don't have those feelings of inadequacy from time to time. It has truly taught me to be more confident.