Friday, December 2, 2011

I'll Never Be Your Slave!

That's what I used to say. I used to think- I'm not slave material and never will be. But the more I learn about the lifestyle, the more I understand all the different dynamics. My most recent discovery: the difference between Dom/sub and Master/slave is not only based on personality traits and if you feel you are slave material. Come to find out, at least in my experience, it's more about finding the right person and your willingness to please and give up control to the one you are devoted to. Did I ever think I would even consider myself a "slave"? No. Have I found one I love so much that if we continue on the path that we are, I may one day be open to being not only his sub but his slave? Yes.

After reading a fellow blogger's blog- who happens to be in a M/s relationship and is married, I now understand the dynamic a bit more. I found that a lot of things I personally considered M/s- Sir and I have. Although not to the extreme they do considering they are a household unit and 24/7. I figured out for me personally I would never be able to go out searching for a "Master" and consider myself a slave. I am a sub, but for the right person would become a slave.

I view it as a natural progression in a D/s relationship. Like in vanilla relationships you start by dating, then become boyfriend girlfriend and then become engaged and then married. In BDSM I see the progression as follows: you meet, if it works you become play partners, then Dom/sub, then if you want to move on- Master/slave. Again, my own personal opinion. I know many enjoy being a slave without the commitment. But for me being a slave= sharing my life with another. For me being a slave is like legally binding yourself to someone- I would have to be married to one in order for them to be my Master and me their slave.

What made me start thinking about this? Well, I was reading a thread on fetlife which was posted in the Master and slave group talking about rules and such that people have in their M/s relationships. They were all pretty much 24/7 and lived together so again, more extreme then what Sir and I have. But I found myself thinking OMG! We have that too! OMG! That too! Wow, maybe we are more M/s than I thought. The three major things that caught my attention were enforcing bedtimes, food limits and what some called behavior modification, which I honestly don't consider it a form of modification.

A few said they have a set bedtime their Master enforces. Now, Sir doesn't give me a set time that I have to go to bed. But if I am sick or have been stressed or just outright am complaining of being tired- he will order me to bed. It's not a daily thing- it's only when he knows I truly need the extra rest and wont go to bed on my own accord. Just as if he wants to keep me up- he wont let me go to bed until he is finished with me. I feel this would be a normal part of our routine if we were to live together. Although not extreme- it's in our dynamic.

Next is food limits. I've seen some and also endured it as well when I had a mentor, that are so strict that you have to ask permission for each meal and even are limited on how much you can eat and what you can eat. With Sir it is not at that level. He doesn't limit my food options. But since I deal with an eating disorder off and on, I am held to the honor system. He has told me I am not to miss any meals and when I do eat it should be healthy and not things my body has a hard time processing. It is my responsibility to keep my promise of eating at every meal and eating often- such as snacks. But it isn't a constant thing where Sir is on my back daily saying "Hey! Did you eat lunch?!" The only times he does check up is when he knows I'm having a hard time with it such as when I am sick he makes sure I eat. Or when I'm busy and stressed my eating disorder is triggered so he makes sure to ask me then if I am eating properly.

Sometimes when we go out he will buy sweets or french fries!!! (my favorite) He will offer some to me and my reaction is always "no thank you. I don't need the extra calories." Sometimes he doesn't push it- other times food is shoved in my face as he says "eat it! One is not going to make you fat". If we lived together I see this part of our dynamic staying he same- although since we would be together more often he would naturally be able to monitor me more easily, if he wanted to that is.

Now for "behavior modification". See, when I hear that term I think of extremes. Such as: speech restrictions, eye contact restrictions, not being able to sleep in bed, not being allowed any clothes around the house, having to crawl instead of walk. But after reading some posts- I guess even little changes could be considered behavior modification. Some spoke of changing the way they think of themselves and manners. Although mild compared to the things I mentioned- I see how it can be considered as such. After all- you are "modifying" the way you think of yourself if you are asked to improve your self esteem.

When it comes to Sir and I, any "behavior modification" we take part in is all positive. I tend to be very hard on myself so Sir wants me to understand and open up and realize I am an awesome, attractive individual worth peoples time. He wants me to stand up for myself when need be and take care of not only my daughter but myself as well, because a Mom is no good if she herself is not happy and healthy. The only modifications that are asked of me are all to make me the best person I can be and realize my worth. Sir doesn't micromanage and try to get rid of personality quirks he doesn't like- or try to make me a walking, talking robot that is only there to be pleasing to him. He takes me for what I am and I know he always will- that will never change :)

Do I see our relationship heading into an M/s dynamic? Maybe. It's a possibility, but we may never be. That's the beauty of the lifestyle- we can make it what we want and if we don't like those titles we don't have to use them. All I know is relationships have a natural progression. Yes, Sir and I both see a future together. If we do marry and have the family we want- I will be 100% devoted to that family and home we create together. So if the definition of a slave is one that is hopelessly devoted to another- count me in! If that's the case I would proudly wear the badge "slave". And honestly, I look forward to the day I can give my all as a wife and Mom. Since we are D/s- M/s just comes with the territory.

1 comment:

  1. The idea of "behavior modification" always makes me hesitate.

    I understand that it's one of those things where people are using a term that may not, in most case, actually define the situation. But still...

    Things like speech restrictions and such actually seem less extreme to me. The physical things that a person may choose to limit or create habit/ritual around is not as big of a deal in my mind. Yea so you stop wearing clothes at home or answering the door when you're alone. Okay, no big deal.

    I mean yes it will change you. It will change your habits, eventually your preferences, and the way you see things such as clothes. But to actually alter the mental processes or natural reactions of a person - what I would consider to be behavioral modification.... that seems far more extreme to me. It times time, vigilance, a lot of work and reinforcement. These are the things that make me pause.

    Certainly learning to see yourself as worthy of good things as deserving being taken care of... that's great. Especially if you can get to the point of learning to reinforce these things for yourself. Sometimes these "behavior modifications" just seem sort of unhealthy to me. Counter productive.

    I don't know, maybe it's just not my bag.

    I'm glad you're in such a happy place. And glad to see you writing again. :)