I know I'm a little behind when it comes to deciding to "make a change" at the beginning of the year. A resolution if you will. The reason? I don't believe in New Year resolutions. I believe in making changes that will last; not spur of the moment decisions just because I feel motivated at that particular instant. It just so happens this weekend I had a little epiphany that provoked me to think about my life and where I'm headed.
I've gone through big changes in the past two years. After deciding to take my life back into my own hands and get a divorce- I've done a lot of growing. I thought I had healed, laid my demons to rest. I realized that these past couple years were my time to heal and actually get back on my feet. I was in limbo- waiting for life to get back to normal. I've slowly been gathering the scattered puzzle pieces that used to be me. It's finally a complete picture.
I admit I'm not one for patience. When I want something, I want it NOW. So these last two years have been trying. I wanted my life to be instantly better. But life doesn't work that way. I've had to literally start over. I lost half of the income I was used to. I lost my house and my relationship, my marriage. That in itself was hard to swallow. I had committed my life to this man and in an instant- BAM- I'm alone. Part of the healing process for me was learning that it's OK to be alone. Once I realized that, I could move forward and start to regain MY life back. I've had to pay back huge amounts of money that I was left with. I had to move back in with my parents in order to make ends meet. I'm back at square one, with a child at that. But the best thing about it- there's an end in sight. Finally, this year- in about 6 months, financially, I will be in a great place. In a years time I will be in a WONDERFUL place! Words cannot explain how happy that makes me. Finally I am seeing results! I HAVE been getting somewhere! It's like this 5 ton elephant that I've been carrying on my back- is gone! The fruits of my labor are blossoming and growing.
I can now completely make the life I want to. Everything I want- I can go after. I can be content knowing I have control of every decision going forward. That being said, this weekend I actually sat down and asked myself: Mariposa, if you could live the perfect life- what would that look like to you? One word came to mind- simplicity. I'm a very straightforward simple being. I'm not flashy, proud, materialistic- hell lets just get to the truth. As Sir would say- I'm a hippie. Yes Sir I said it. I admit it, I'm a hippie. Don't get me wrong, I love being girly and there are a few material things I can't do without. I'm not saying I want to stop taking showers to save water and go without makeup and refuse to wear a dress because "society" says I have to fit into a mold. But at the end of the day, the majority of the things that the typical American wants- I don't. I'll take simplicity any day over the things I've felt pressured into liking by society.
Sir and I spent a night in San Francisco this weekend. I love that city. Yes it's dirty and busy and crowded. But it's so full of life! I always feel so much more grounded after a trip to SF. In one city you can encounter people from every walk of life. From a homeless person to a hooker to a college student to a trendy housewife to a CEO. And I haven't even mentioned all the cultures you come in contact with! It's a beautiful thing. I happen to love diversity; I feel you can learn a lot from a diverse crowd. Every individual can teach you something. Yes, even the homeless man! He can teach you to be content with what you have- a roof over your head, clean clothes and food in your belly. Just as the CEO can teach you to slow down and have a good time in life. You realize all the money in the world can't buy happiness.
I did a lot of people watching on our trip. So this week while I was at work I began thinking about all I encountered and now that there is an end in sight- I asked myself what would truly make me content in life? Easy- a place of my own, the ability to support my family and great, loving people in my life. In other words, the basics. Not a mansion or expensive car. Not brand name clothes, shoes and purses. Not a list a mile long of "friends" on facebook. No, what I want is simple. So my goal this year is to get back to the basics and live the way I enjoy- simply. That brought three things to mind: where I want to live, if I want to/feel the need to go back to school/make more money and if I need to be more social.
As I said, at the moment I am back living with my parents. I'm a very independent person- so for me to live with my parents at 28 years old, not really digging it. It was fine at first, but the longer I stay here the more my privacy is invaded as is my relationship with my daughter as a mother. I'm not only the youngest in my immediate family, I am in my extended family as well. Everyone seems to think since I made such a horrible decision the first time around with my ex husband that I am not fit to make decisions on my own when it comes to important things in life: such as what is best for MY daughter. I'm tired of unwanted and hypocritical advice. Needless to say- I need my own space to escape and have a family unit of my own.
Now that I am getting to a place where I can support myself again- I am able to actually think about where I want to move. Let's be honest here. I'm a single Mom. Money isn't just falling from the sky, so I have to be choosy of where I live. It can't be too expensive but it needs to be a nice, safe place. I think I've found such a place. I first saw it about 10 years ago while I was still thinking in my mind that I would live a Sex in the City lifestyle; a bachelorette for life, no kids. But after meeting my ex I went on my way in life and forgot all about my bachelorette pad. I thought about that place off and on and how much I loved it, I was just drawn to it. But over the last 5 years it never entered my mind.
I started searching for places to live this past week. I don't know why I keep searching because the same damn places pop up every time! I had made a decision on where I was going to look first. Then one day, out of nowhere in my usual search- up popped my bachelorette pad! It brought back all those wonderful thoughts again. So I've been driving by it different times of the day to check it out lol. I have no idea why but this place just calls to me. It's close to the school I want my daughter to go to and it's also within walking distance of the dance studio she will go to. Also they have the most awesome organic bakery down the street! I have visions of waking my daughter to her dance class and stopping at the bakery on the way home for a treat. I hope all works out. I need to go and actually check the place out before I make any decisions but it definitely is my first choice at the moment.
As for school. Right after my divorce my whole family told me "you need to go back to school so you can support yourself. You are on your own now." Hold up! First off, I am the one that all through our marriage kept the job that supported us while he lost job after job! Second, I may not be rich but the amount I make is nothing to laugh at. Third, I like my job! Yes, there may be some annoying coworkers but what job doesn't have those? I've worked there since I was 20- they are like family. They've seen me through a marriage, pregnancy and divorce. I've essentially grown up before their eyes. I came in as a young naive 20 year old, fresh out of college looking for part time work until I found my "dream job" and now I am a 28 year old mature woman who has had a hell of a time these past few years. If I'm happy at my job and OK with the amount that I make- why keep pushing myself to go further? Why stress myself for nothing?
I will admit- I do want to go back to school. One achievement I will aim for in my life is getting a degree. But I don't feel it is the right time for me to go back to school. I've been taking everyone elses advice since my divorce and not following my own heart. I honestly need a break, I need time to regroup. I've been healing these past few years- and adding all this other stress has not helped me. So I am going to go with my heart this time and wait a little bit before going back to school. Since there is no rush, I need to take a breather. I'll revisit the idea of school in a few months.
Now as for my social skills. I am a very shy, introverted person. I'm a bit of a loner. I feel much more comfortable doing things alone or hiding in the background. But I see Sir and how social he is and how many friends he has and I want that! Alright, so nine times out of ten I would rather be alone in a corner reading or writing, but there are those times I want to go out and be with friends. I used to be a very social person. So it kind of bothers me that I'm not as social anymore. I've finally accepted my introvertedness- I know that's who I am and just need time alone a lot. But I also know I need to make more of an effort to go out with friends. Especially now that I have such nurturing friends- I need to make sure those relationships continue.
I figured out my problem, why I don't socialize as much as I would like. Due to years of being brainwashed in bad relationship after bad relationship- I don't see my own worth. I think people really don't care to be around me. Then I come to and think "wait a minute. You are pretty awesome! Anyone that wouldn't want to hang out with you isn't worth your time." So I am making more of an effort to be the one who initiates the socialization. That is still a work in process.
Who am I kidding? That's all life is! A work in progress. I feel everyday is a gift given to me to become the best person I can be. That takes growth. Growth takes looking inward. Looking inward takes strength and strength equals growth. I will be a work in progress til the day I die :)