By far the most important thing in a D/s dynamic. Second to that is communication. I figured before getting into the naughty, juicy tidbits about my fun with J- I'd actually discuss the reason behind the naughty fun. The reason that I can let go and do the things I do.
Also, I wanted to talk a little about J and I because I haven't really gone into depth about our "relationship". One of the main reasons I haven't is just that: we aren't in a formal relationship. It's a little difficult for me to talk about a Dom when I'm not involved with them romantically. There are many reasons why we are not in a relationship. I can't discuss those factors on here. But the more people I talk to, they question me about J. I feel like I really have to watch what I say because I don't want things to be taken the wrong way. But also I do tire of the questions when I do mention him because in all honesty, when you share as many things as J and I do- things we either haven't mentioned or tried with anyone else...you become close to a person. A certain affection comes in to play and it can be viewed in a completely different way. So to avoid all the questions of "well, it sounds like you guys really like each other. Why aren't you together?" I just don't talk about it.
This past weekend I began thinking about it and I had a conversation with J too. I realized that ever since I started worrying about how things might be misconstrued by not only my readers and friends but J as well....I've started to hold back and become touchy. So I say fuck it! Since when have I cared what people think?! I'm going to say what's on my mind as I did before and if it's taken the wrong way, then oh well. I'm tired of holding back things because I'm afraid of my words getting me in trouble. So here we go :)
Alright, so as I said J and I are not in a formal relationship. Not going into detail why. But one reason: we live a loooooong distance apart. Kind of hard to really form a "relationship" with someone you only see in person a couple times a year. But we do talk on a daily basis. We chat a lot. We are definitely interested in each others lives. Meaning- all our conversations are not centered around sex or D/s. We ask for advice and such. Well, I'm usually the one asking for advice. So I guess you could say we are great friends. Close friends. We just happen to be friends that want to fuck each others brains out! In a kinky way. We share details about others that we are attracted to...which leads to some hot fantasies.
As for the D/s. We definitely have the whole D/s underlying current going. It's not something that extends in to many facets of my life though. It's mostly sexual. I am given assignments to complete. Most are sexual: such as pictures or contacting certain individuals. But others are not. Some are things that we discuss that in the end if I do what he has told me to...will make me a happier, more rounded individual. Such as: taking a few hours every week for myself. Or promising to workout at the gym because it boosts my confidence. Or taking dance lessons because it is my one passion in life. That's the extent of it. I don't have a long list of rules to follow or ask permission to do things. Any rules that I follow deal with sex. Like, if I meet any fellow swingers and we end up playing- I HAVE to have an orgasm. If my partner gets off, I have to get off. I wouldn't say we ask if it's OK to have other sexual partners. But we definitely share if we plan on having sex with anyone.We are very open when it comes to that because it's actually a turn on for us both.
Ownership: complicated. J doesn't "own" me. Yeah, I am a sub and I'm obviously very submissive with him. But am I HIS sub? Does he own me? Not really. Well, when he is in my area there is a rule :) He does own my holes...my mouth, my pussy, my ass. But other than that-I'm not "owned". But here's where it gets complicated. I'll be totally honest. I've never submitted at the level that I do with J with anyone else. Some of the things that I want him to do to me- never wanted them before. He gets in my head and drives me insane!!! So for me to sit here and say he doesn't own me seems odd because he sure stars in my fantasies and if anything sexual pops in my head- thoughts of him are sure to follow. I think I can best describe it this way: no he doesn't own me. I'm my own person with my own life. My submissive nature is separate from my day to day life. I'm very sexually submissive. So my submissive side? Oh, he so totally owns that! He pushes me like no other. He gets in my head like no one else ever has. He brings out my inner slut who wants to be ravaged, taken, claimed, owned. So I guess you could say he owns my subbie side for sure. You wont find me submitting to others. Not unless J has anything to do with it.
I've never had a thing for titles. Addressing someone as Sir always made me giggle a little on the inside. So don't even get me started on the term Master! But there's no other word I can think of to describe the control J has over my sexual, subbie side. He's completely mastered me. So hate to break it to you J lol, but you are Master of the little slut that hides inside me. Yeah- let's hear the conversation on THAT comment! Now getting back to the two things I mentioned at the start of my post. Now that you know a little more about our dynamic I can discuss trust and communication.
I don't think I've ever trusted a person more with my physical and mental well being when it comes to D/s. When we first started talking I was very leery of J. It took a very long time for me to open up. But I think it makes the experience so much more rewarding and enjoyable. If I didn't take as long as I had to open up....I honestly would not be at the point I'm at now- ever! I wouldn't have been able to strip almost completely naked and put on a blindfold the very first time I met J in person. I walked into a hotel room, stripped, put on a blindfold and got on all fours and waited for a man I'd never seen in person before to come violate me. It could have gone horribly wrong! He could have ended up being some rapist! The thought entered my mind more than once, believe me! "Well, why go through with it then, Mariposa?" Two reasons: I'm a bit of a risk taker. I don't believe in letting life pass me by because certain situations are out of my comfort zone. The bigger reason...trust. Before I even set foot in that room I trusted J.
Trust takes time and faith. I took a lot of time and had a lot of faith and it soooooo paid off and continues to :) All subs out there: please, please, please take the time to get to know your Dom and allow trust to form. If he doesn't want to take the time to earn your trust then he isn't worth it.
I'm actually still working on this one. I'm much better than I used to be, but I still have a ways to go. Growing up I was taught that showing any emotion, whether good or bad was viewed as weakness. So I have a very hard time sharing any emotion...even happiness. Just as with any other relationship, communication is very important when it comes to D/s. Even more so! You'll find yourself in new situations and going through emotions you never have. You have to be able to communicate if something makes you uncomfortable or if you loved it. Here's how I work :) I will tell you outright, no problem if I am uncomfortable with a situation. I'll end it right then and there. But if I am enjoying the situation I completely freeze. I can't form words, I can't think, I barely move. So forget about talking dirty! Or if I'm asked what I want at that moment......I'm fucked! I can form the thought....but it wont come out. (psst, J that's a good way to figure out that I am LOVING it!!! If I'm silent, besides heavy breathing he he, I am in bliss)
Anyways....You definitely have to be very self aware. With J and I, pretty much all we do is talk because of the distance. So we talk a lot more that a normal Dom/sub would. I think maybe that's why we are able to share our deepest, darkest fantasies. We've talked so much that we could either run out of things to talk about or just keep delving deeper and deeper. We chose the latter. But I'll admit it's a lot of work to keep open communication with a person so far away. Sometimes the last thing you want to do is have another long, involved discussion via chat. But I honestly wouldn't have it any other way.
I've come to value J's friendship. You don't find very many people on this planet that you connect with on such a deep level. So I cherish it. I cherish our conversations and our visits. I feel very lucky to have found a friend that I can trust 100% and talk to about anything!