That Time Again

I don't know what it is, but after spending time with certain people I tend to start thinking about my life and where I'm headed. It's a good thing! I love people that make me think. But at times it makes me realize things about myself that I don't want to admit to :p I got to spend a bit of time with my friend J this week. (details on THAT hot encounter to come in my next post ;) Anyways...J has this way of asking thought prokoving questions. He plants little seeds and they grow. Or I just have an overactive mind! Could be a bit of both. I'm kind of at a point in my life where I need to decide what the hell I want to do with the rest of my life. I've been in this position for about two years now. It's probably time I take control of my life.

For those of you who have followed my blog for a while- you probably guessed by now that Sir and I are no longer together. I'm not going to go into detail about all that. I'll just say that I think we were going in different directions in life. I think we are focused on two different paths and they just wont meet up. I still care for him very much. He will always hold a special place in my heart. So I am sad that we are no longer in contact. We were great friends. I'll be completely honest though.....I've found that I tend to push people away when I feel I am getting too close to them. I've dealt with so many crazy relationships in my life that it scares me when I get close to someone. The word "love" being used scares me to no end. Everytime that word has been uttered- things get bad...fast! So I think I have tried to convince myself that I am happy being alone and enjoy my freedom. Don't get me wrong! I am very independent. I do enjoy my freedom. But it is possible to have freedom in a relationship. I just have yet to find someone who will give me the freedom I want.

Long story short- yeah I enjoy being single. I enjoy the freedom I have at the moment. But at the same time I crave that closeness you can only get from a relationship. But here's the thing: it's hard enough in life to find someone you are compatible with in the "vanilla" world. Trying to find someone that you connect with on a kink level.....views on monogamy....and attraction? HELL! I don't even know if it's possible! That's a tall order to fill. Oh and we must not forget the whole friendship thing. I'm big on that! I want to "want" to be with the person I am involved with. So that means you need to be my friend as well as my lover. Jesus it's getting even more complicated! And I haven't even mentioned the D/s factor! Yeah- I don't think it's possible to find someone that fits all those needs. At least not someone that isn't already taken. I've come across many of these great men :p they just happen to already be involved!

Gah! Enough of the relationship crap. Moving on to what I want to do career wise! I'll be 30 this year. It has taken me 10 years to decide that I really do want to pursue psychology. Really?! Mariposa, you couldn't have decided on this a little earlier in life? You know how many years of school you have ahead of you? By the time I get my degree, I'll be ready to retire! OK, so not really. But you'd be surprised how much school changes when you have a child to take care of as well. Why did I have to decide in my 20s to actually live :p More to come later. I have to go sort through my thoughts.