Saturday, January 5, 2013

Who Really Keeps Resolutions?

I sure as hell don't. I've never really been big on resolutions. But I do believe in starting each year out fresh. So I chose motivations for the year rather than making resolutions. This year I have three major motivations that I believe will push me to become a better, more rounded individual. Three things that I guess you could say I know are my weaknesses and need to be worked on. So here are my goals, my motivations for the year.

Take care of myself

I'm very much a people pleaser. I put everyone and their needs before my own without even thinking about it. It's not until I'm completely exhausted that I notice I've given everything I have to everyone else and haven't kept anything for myself.

I've done it again! After my divorce I vowed I would actually include myself in my priorities. I did for a while but I've slipped back into old habits. I've run myself into the ground. Time to make my own well being a priority again. Besides- how am I to care for others if I'm not in my best shape mentally and physically? It's not possible. If I want to remain the nurturer I am, I need to take care of myself first and foremost. So goals: start working out at least five days a week again, get more sleep and make time to go out and let loose.

I'm sure it doesn't help matters that I'm my biggest critic. Add to that my list of issues that are here to stay- it makes it nearly impossible to put myself first and continually take care of myself. But I've done it in the past, just have to get back in the habit of it.

Might as well discuss at least one of my issues. We all have them right? I think I have touched on it in the past, but have never said outright that I suffer from anorexia/bulimia. I have pretty much my entire life. Part of me thinks that maybe if I admit it to everyone I'll feel like it doesn't have such a hold on me. I also suffer from a little social social situations that involve food for me are a huge ordeal. Anorexia/bulimia is like any other "addiction" or "issue". You can have it under control, but it's always there. Just like an alcoholic- they can stop drinking. But if they go out with friends and the friends end up drinking in front of the alcoholic, they may crave a drink. They have to fight the craving. Same with anorexia/bulimia. Except my vice is food. You can't avoid food, we need it to survive. So I have to face my "issue" at least three times a day, everyday for the rest of my life. It's daunting.

Sometimes I feel food has control of my life. What a silly place to be. But every time I sit down with someone to share a meal it's a struggle. So sometimes I get tired of the anxiety of social situations because of my eating disorder. I become a hermit and avoid people altogether from pure exhaustion. I'm headed in that direction again unfortunately. BUT, if I actually take care of myself- the need to limit or binge on food diminishes. So I have vowed to do the three things I know nip my problem in the bud: routinely exercise, sleep at least 8 hours a night and MAKE myself go out and socialize, face my issues head on and laugh in their faces. Also having friends that can pull me back to reality when I'm having a moment where I feel helpless is a huge help. I'm pretty good at managing on my own, but sometimes I just need someone to slap me in the face and say snap out of it :)


From reading my blog you'd think I'd be great at both of those! But apparently I express myself through writing. In person is another story. I didn't know that about myself! A friend pointed out to me that I'm very hard to read in person. I didn't realize that. I want to be able to express myself in ways people will have no doubt how I feel. That's tough for me though because I'm the type that is so absorbed in trying to figure out the other person and how they feel that apparently I give nothing back. I want to change that.

I'm honestly one of the most open people you will meet. I'll sit and tell you my whole life story if you're interested. But the reason I hold back and don't give in to my open spirit is honestly my fear of rejection and the belief that my views mean nothing. I've been in more than one relationship where communication was not my partners strong suit, to say the least. I married someone who didn't even care to talk to me, I was ignored. When we did talk, we argued. When we argued he would literally sit there silent, not looking at me and going about his business as if I wasn't even in the room. I'd scream out of frustration "say something! Just one word to show me you care what I'm saying". He never did. So I began to think no one cared about what I had to say so why waste my breath? Now I tend to be a little more introverted than I was in the past. I fall into old habits and just stay silent because I think no one cares to hear my opinion.

I also worry that I may reveal TOO much if I open up to others. I worry I may scare them away by being too open. So I sit there, composed, not giving anything away. I realized I'm missing out on so many opportunities! Especially with men. I met one man recently that really intrigues me. I realized after certain comments that he had no idea I was interested in him. Are you kidding me?! One touch on my knee with your hand produced sparks! I am so interested!! So interested that I was holding everything in cause I didn't want to come across as the psycho woman that just throws myself at men. Plus, it's the whole swinger thing. I'm new and still don't know the rules lol. I don't want to offend people or come across the wrong way, you know? It's different from dating. You're meeting these people for sex- it's a little different ;) Anyways, I'm working on communication skills and not letting my fear of rejection rule my life.


This is a new development. Prior, I didn't want to have anything to do with relationships. I didn't want to fall in love and I definitely didn't have any desire to have a boyfriend. But now, if I'm being completely honest....I want it. But I don't let that want rule my actions. I'm not going out in search for a relationship. I like to just let those things happen. So yeah, I may want to be in a relationship...but until I just happen to run into someone I connect with on that level, you're damn right I'm going to have some fun!!!

I'm not into the dating scene, never have been. I hate the whole meeting for dinner and sitting and trying to think of things to talk about. Followed by the "I'll call you" and then the waiting three days for a phone call. Seriously! I can think of others ways to entertain myself :) So no, I will not be entering the dating scene. Especially now! Can you imagine?! Go out on a dinner date, "So, Mariposa.....what are you looking for in a relationship?" Oh not much. Just a man that is very sexually dominant. Someone that loves the idea of engaging in threesomes and foursomes and gang bangs with friends....if we ever find enough interesting people for it that is. One that is open to the idea of an open relationship and is my best friend as well as the love of my life. Yeah, that would go over well. The vanilla dating scene really would not welcome me.

I'm stuck trying to find a potential lover in the swinger or BDSM scene. Considering swinging is no strings attached- I wont be finding a relationship that way! Since entering the swinger scene though I've realized that the experiences could be much more enjoyable with a partner in crime. I'd really like to find someone to enjoy it with. But I run into this other that I've been in a D/s relationship I know I honestly can't have a long term relationship without it. Trying to find someone who enjoys D/s and swinging! It's nearly impossible. A lot of swingers are not open to the kink thing. That or they have already made up their mind about you before they even meet you because you label yourself "kinky". So as I said, I'm just going to continue having fun and enjoying life.

Alright enough rambling. Before, I was done with relationships and love. Now, I am actually open to the idea. I'm open to falling completely head over heels in love. Nothing in the world compares to that feeling. I want it in my life. I miss it. But I know what I want in a partner and I wont settle. I've done that once before and it turned out ugly. I wont lower my standards either. If I never find someone to fall in love with, well it just wasn't meant to be. I'm happy either way with my life. I would be happy if I was single for the rest of my life. I'll just need lots of great, sexy, open friends :) Oh wait, I need that anyways.

There you go! My three motivations this year: health, communication and love. I think they are good motivators, don't you?

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