So the majority of my posts have been about me and my personal growth lately. There's two reasons for that: I knew I had to make some self improvements and focus on myself to try and sort through these feelings I've been having- most are actually new for me. Second- I needed to gain some self confidence, which for me involves me time. I guess you could say I'm like a butterfly!!! :) I tend to withdraw from everyone around me when I need to think things out- go in my little cocoon, focus on my feelings and thoughts, with no outside influences. Then I emerge ready to fly once I'm done contemplating. Yeah, yeah- I know cheesy analogy but true! But with all of these new feelings I've had lately and all the changes I've made in my life in such a short period- I had to take a minute and focus on myself.
As I said I am going through a LOT of new feelings. Feelings I never thought I would have in my life and some I never thought I would ever have again. It's been a little tough dealing with that considering I'm usually like a guy when it comes to emotions and I try to dodge them like they're marriage proposals. You know the type- the guys that are all smooth "yeah baby you know I care for you, shooo..." Yeah- that's me. I don't like to talk about feelings, feel them or acknowledge them in any way! So I've been working on being OK with feeling emotions and not feeling like a woose for it either. Also- I need to learn to get them out!!! I'm not one that can speak from my heart in person. I try but my words come out all jumbled and I just sound like an idiot! Yes I can write- but trying to get me to say I love you in person! Oh God!!! It's like pulling teeth. I'll say it- but good luck if you can hear it! I mumble it- "love ya". Like I'm embarrassed by it or something! I'm not- OK so maybe it is a bit of embarrassment. But just because I grew up in a house where women are strong and never show weaknesses!!! My Dad is the one that's all "I love you!" My Mom's the one that's like "Me too." She never says it! So I guess that's where I picked it up from. Anyways- this post is about my growth in my connection with Sir K. Not just about my personal growth. Because I think we have become even closer over these past couple months and I have yet to voice any of it because I worry what others reactions will be to it. But- here I am! This is my blog, my feelings. my relationship, my journey!
One thing I really contemplated these past few months is poly relationships and how to make them last. Because if you aren't in it to really make it work- it can fall apart in seconds! I found that the most important thing in poly relationships- besides honesty and communication- is that all parties involved need to be an emotionally mature and confident person. If not- it could become a very unhappy experience for everyone. If you are not emotionally mature there's no way you can comprehend and accept that a person can connect with more than one at a time and connect in different ways. Plus- younger (meaning emotionally) people tend to be in that competition mode- "he's mine! I see him the most! He'll so choose me over you!" That is BS and just not acceptable. I'm a 27 year old woman- I'm not here to "compete". People need to understand the differences between- primary partners, secondary, play partners etc. There needs to be an understanding. Or else it could get really ugly and dramatic- and let me tell you- I don't put up with bitches that cause drama! Like I said I'm 27- this is not high school! My partner either likes me or they don't. It's fine either way- there's plenty of fish in the sea. So I wont deal with drama. I'm not going to make it a competition of who shows they care the most blah, blah. Nope- not me.
Everyone involved in a poly relationship needs to be mature enough to respect all individuals. I think that level of maturity takes confidence. You have to realize you are worth someones time and respect and also need to know when to respect others and give them their time. If you don't have the ability to respect others then you so will not last in a poly relationship. At least not one I'm involved in! Don't get me wrong- I am a very caring person. I am more than willing to share my love. BUT- I also can turn into a bitch if you disrespect me or my man or our connection in any way. You don't mess with my happiness, my man's happiness or our relationship! You mess with any of those- especially my man's happiness and the bitch will come out swinging! I may be a sub and I may be quiet but I am VERY protective of my loved ones. I'm just a nurturer. Don't mess with my loves!
So that's kind of where I've been the past couple months- yes I'm emotionally mature; I've always been- I grew up fast. But I needed to work on my self confidence and my confidence in my personal connection with Sir K. I can say I am very confident now in my connection with Sir K. But I am human- I have my moments of doubt and when I lose my confidence for a bit. But at the end of the day I know where I stand. Sometimes I just need a little reminder- but don't we all? Yes- we do- or we should have reminders anyways :) I'm a big believer in at least one hug, one kiss and one I love you everyday. They are all reminders not only to our loved ones but to ourselves that we care for that person. Keep the love going people! This planet needs love. Yes- my hippie is coming out again. Spread the love!!!! Fine I totally admit I'm a hippie. There is nothing wrong with that! I'm just a hippie that has fashion sense, shaves and showers- even better!!!
Anyways- my growth in my relationship. I've been hesitating writing this just because I always have a problem with talking about feelings. Especially in an open relationship- for some reason that just makes me feel that much more vulnerable. But I'm not going to hold it in anymore. Sir K has told me how he feels and when he tells me I want to scream what I feel for him but I can't form the words! But I feel I owe it to him- he has been so open with me. He deserves to know how much he means to me. So back to the tender part of our connection. No it's not all sex, sex, sex. We definitely connect on a deeper level than that. I'm the happiest I've ever been, but I can't spit out my feelings. Still after all we've talked about and all the new things we've done together- I still fear rejection. I think that if I make a comment that's "too deep" that it will make him back away from me and put all his energy into another girl. Sometimes I just fear that I'm disposable. Even though I know how Sir K feels about me I'm afraid that will vanish one day out of nowhere. But we promised each other we were not going anywhere. I know 100% without a doubt I'm not going anywhere unless he were to say he was done with me. I respect him too much and care for him too much to just give up and walk away. The respect he shows me is something I have to return- he deserves that respect to be returned. So I am not going anywhere just as I said. I just have to remember that I can trust him and what he says is true. He has not given me any reason to doubt him yet. I should trust him when he says he is not going anywhere.
I can say now- I trust Sir K and trust he wont just abandon me for some random girl. I put my trust and my heart in his hands. Like Sir K said- I'll be the constant in his life. Girls may come and go, but I'm his constant- just as he will be my constant. Isn't it sad to admit that I think I can honestly say this promise means more to me than my "vows" did to my ex? The difference- trust and respect. I have Sir K's trust and respect and he has mine. I've learned- don't get involved with someone you don't respect hehe- I never respected my ex. But that is an entirely different story in itself!!! Anyways- I'm just trying to explain as well I can that I treat others as they treat me. If you give me 100% I will give you 100% in return- that is where we are at. Doesn't matter if it's a relationship, friendship, employment- you get out of me what you give me. You respect me- I give you respect in return. You love me- I love you in return. You piss me off- I piss you off equally. hehe- yes I go both ways. I not only trust Sir K as a lover but as a friend. I said to him, no matter what I see him in my life. Even if we were to go our separate ways relationship wise, but at this point I'll be honest- I don't see it going that way, we would still remain great friends and I mean that. If for any reason we just grow apart- that doesn't change the fact that I love him and will always enjoy his company in my life.
OK- the heavy stuff. Like the wedding vow comment wasn't heavy enough?! No- I don't worry about it- Sir knows where I stand LOL. It's not like I'm some crazy bitch chasing after him for a damn ring! We know where we stand with that- don't even get me started on that topic!! So- heavy emotion time! These past few weeks I feel Sir K and I have gotten even closer emotionally than we were. The minute I think we couldn't be closer or happier or more in love- something happens or is said and it bumps it up another level. I've heard others talk about how in other relationships they have a partner, someone they can count on for anything. I'd never understood that before- never had that in a relationship. But with Sir K it does feel like a partnership. I know I can count on him for anything and he can count on me. I may not always ask for his assistance just because I'm a stubborn bitch- but I'm learning. In my past relationships it was more like we were totally separate and they would only be there when they wanted to be there for me. But with Sir- yes we have our separate lives, but we are there for the other in any way we are needed.
This past week really proved to me that our relationship is a partnership. I went to my house- the empty one. It was late, dark. I walked in through the garage and noticed things scattered everywhere! I peeked around the corner and noticed the front door was open! Someone broke into my house! Immediately I went back out to my car and seriously sat there for like 15 minutes trying to get up the nerve to go back in the house myself. Because in any other relationship if I contacted my significant other I would be told to suck it up and go back in there and there was no reason for me to be such a baby. Plus- no one would check up on me to see if I had been raped or kidnapped! They would have just left me to deal with my problem on my own because it's my problem. So I really didn't want to text Sir K. But I figured I'd text him and just let him know if he didn't hear from me- I'd been murdered! But I ended up texting him like the scared little girl that I was "I'm not going in that house alone!!!" He texted me that he was on his way, just like that. After I thought great! He's going to drive over here- walk in the door look around and say why the fuck did you bother me? You big baby! But he came over, searched the house for crazies and gave me a big hug and said "are you OK?" I was amazed- huh? I'm not used to that reaction. So I tried to pull it off like I wasn't freaking inside "no big deal. I'm fine. Not like anyone would stick around the house anyways. I was just being safe. Didn't want to come in here just in case someone might me in here. You never know. But no big deal." But inside I'm like "My hero!"
I felt bad having him show up to my house early for nothing but I was very happy to have him there. He even called the cops to come to the house. I may have whined about it because I hate to wait- plus dudes with guns- in my house!! No! But I was amazed that he did all that. He even had somewhere to be but ended up staying there with me- either because I whined like a little girl or because he knew I was kind of scared to be there alone waiting for the cops. Either way- that meant so much to me. I didn't know at the time that I was scared to be in the house alone- I was just thinking I didn't want to have to talk to the cops myself! But now that I look back- it was truly because I didn't want to be in the house alone. I still don't even want to go over there in the daytime by myself now! But anyways- that's a partnership! Being there for each other even when you may not know you need the other there. Honestly I would have done all that on my own- but to have another there for me- I was so thankful. Not only is there love there, there's respect. I respect Sir more than I have any other man. He's a MAN- he's respectful, confident, caring, generous, protective- what a man should be. I feel cared for and special, which in my opinion is how a lady should feel. Just as it is our job as women to be nurturing, caring, supportive, patient and meek at times. Yes I said meek. Every woman needs to be meek from time to time.
Every time I see Sir K I feel my feelings getting that much stronger for him. Even though I keep thinking "OK, seriously! There's no way you could love a person more!" my feelings get that much stronger. Just as my trust and respect grow deeper every time I see him. Alright- I'll admit it. I hate to admit this, but still- still, before I see him each time I'm still nervous. He still makes me nervous, like a little school girl! I get butterflies in my stomach! I'm not sure if it's because of him always keeping me on my toes when it comes to D/s or if it's just our connection. But- he still makes me as nervous, if not more nervous than the first time I met him in person in those first couple minutes I see him each time.
One thing I truly love and would not change for anything is our honesty. Most people say "you can always be honest with me, tell me anything." but don't really mean it. One day you may say something thinking you can truly say anything and then they yell at you or get upset. I keep waiting for that to happen with Sir K but it never does. We can talk about anything openly and neither of us judges or gets upset. We listen and move forward. It's amazing in my opinion! That takes maturity! In my experience it's a freakin miracle to find a dude that is mature! I tend to find all the "boys" apparently! But we can sit there and talk about anything! He can talk to me about girls, girls, girls and I don't have an issue with it. There may be like one thing that kind of bugs me a little but I'll let him know and we move forward. It's not the fact that he is talking about other girls that upsets me- it's usually just something small and it's mentioned and taken care of. Just like I know I can talk to him about other men- but honestly I have found it hard to do. One- I'm still kind of having an issue with getting in the poly mindset when it comes to my personal connections- not with Sir K's just with mine apparently. So I tend not to talk much about men. But the main reason is I have found that most men don't know how or don't like to share! People think it's the women, but maybe it's because I'm talking to Dom's but I have not been able to find someone that understands what PRIMARY partner means! They all think I will only be out to please them. No- primary!! I have one!! So I have just stopped talking to people in general because no one seems to just be interested in play partners etc. WHAT?! Dudes don't just want sex? Apparently not!
So there you go- there are some of the feelings I've been having. I'm going to keep some private because I do like to keep some things personal, just for us. But also- I'm afraid to admit some of the things I feel at this point. I don't want those feelings to be taken in the wrong context so I'm not going to post them here. Those are between Sir K and myself, when I can explain myself if need be. But I'll just end with this. I love him and I don't think words could ever express how much he means to me and how thankful I am for everything he does. Generally it's the small things or things he says that mean the most. He has showed me that there are still honest, caring people out there in the world and I'm so happy to have him in my life. I guess the happiness radiates from us because in one evening I was told by three people- individually that we "are so cute together!!" Generally I would have barfed at a comment like that before. But now it makes me so happy because it shows; people can see just how much of a difference we have made in each others happiness. That is so awesome!!!