I've felt very confused lately. I finally figured out what was causing all the confusion. I'm one that strongly believes in self improvement and that you are never done learning or growing in life. So I spend a good amount of time trying to improve myself, work on things I feel I should improve on or things that will make me happier and healthier. So I tend to look inside a lot when I am unhappy or uncertain of something. I want to know what is causing my feelings and actions. I promised myself after my divorce I would do whatever it took to put myself first and be happy with my life- I think addressing your feelings is the best way to do that.
Lately I've felt a little lost, confused, really unsure of things. I couldn't put a finger on the reason for the confusion. I just felt out of control- that's the only way to describe it. See- I'm a control freak in my day to day life. I plan my whole day, I make lists, I pick out my outfits for the next day before I go to sleep, I pack my lunch for the next day and my coffee pot is on a timer to go off in the morning. I have routines for everything, I plan ahead, I'm never late, I always know what my day entails and there are no surprises because I've planned my day to the minute. That makes me feel comfortable and happy. The minute you throw me into a situation and I have no idea what to expect- any spontaneity and I panic a bit. I feel lost, out of control. I'm almost like a kid in a sense- you have to prepare me and tell me what will happen or else I'm totally on edge.
Now being on edge and spontaneity are great when it comes to certain things. Like while playing- awesome! I live for that feeling. But if you bring that spontaneity and uncertainty into aspects of my life- it really messes with me. Also- I think very logically. Everything is black and white. Even my thoughts are organized! It's like my brain is split up into compartments. There's the family compartment, job compartment, friends compartment, relationship compartment, poly compartment, vanilla compartment and BDSM compartment. They are all separate and when I'm not dealing with a particular compartment at that time- it gets put away. Generally there are only one or two compartments out at a time. Some can mingle- others just can't. Like- BDSM and family- yeah not happening.
"Huh? Um- you totally lost me Mariposa. What the hell are you talking about?!" Let me try to explain a bit better. Well as best I can with my crazy overactive brain! When I met Sir K I figured we'd be friends and that would be it. So we started out as friends then it moved to play partners/friends. So there were essentially two compartments that Sir K took up- BDSM and friends. That's fine- they can mingle. My brain can handle a person being in two compartments. But in the beginning it kind of confused me because all the Dom's I'd talked to before were in Dom mode nonstop. They expected me to be their sub the whole time I was talking to them and I had to be aware of my place throughout the day. But with Sir K when we weren't in a scene we chatted like friends. It took me more time to figure out that I didn't have to be in full sub mode all the time. But that one was pretty easy to distinguish and get comfortable with.
Then it started getting a little more complicated. Throw into the mix the poly thing and feelings. So now we're talking about four compartments. The reason I had such an issue with this was I really haven't been with someone I would consider a friend like I do Sir K. I still think of him as my friend even though I love him. There's no way I could get rid of that friendship vibe. So for someone to be in the friend compartment and relationship compartment- my brain started short circuiting. I'm thinking Wait just a minute Dude. You can't be in FOUR compartments- that's just too much. Now I have to figure out when the hell I have to be in sub mode or when we're in friend mode or when we're in boyfriend/girlfriend mode. No one ever crosses the friend line into the relationship compartment- ever! OK- except you- so this is really new and I'm totally fuckin lost! Also I'm a bit ditzy when it comes to things. You have to like hit me over the head with things in order for me to get that you have feelings for me. I knew we loved each other but we were both in the same boat- no expectations. Whatever happened, happened. So I didn't know if we were in a relationship here or if we were just friends that cared deeply for one another. I didn't know!!!
When Sir K mentioned he had another play partner since I didn't know where I stood with him relationship/friendship wise- I was even more confused. I admit I had feelings of jealousy at first when he mentioned another play partner. But the only reason was I didn't know exactly what the hell I was to him. I knew we loved each other but he could love the other girl as well- even more so. I didn't know what dynamic they had. Finally one day I asked outright and I felt like a total idiot. What the hell am I to you?!!! I got my answer- girlfriend, primary relationship, sub, play partner, friend. OK- thank you!! But the minute he defined it as a relationship- there was another issue. Instead of looking at the poly aspect from a friend perspective like I had in the beginning I started looking at it from a girlfriend perspective. I began to feel inadequate, not good enough. Like I didn't please him enough so he had to go find another to fulfill his needs.
Since we really hadn't talked about what Sir K was looking for when he talked to potential partners I felt very uncertain and confused. I didn't know if he was looking for another relationship or just play partners or sluts that said they were poly just to sleep around. I had no idea! But I didn't want to go to him and be like- what the fuck are you looking for?! That wold make me look like a jealous girlfriend that said they were poly but really are not. So I kept my mouth shut because that was not where I was coming from at all. I had no issues with being poly- I just wanted to know what to be prepared for. I wanted to know if he was looking for another to potentially become close with because that would really effect our connection as well. So I just suffered in silence wondering what exactly our relationship was and thinking I could potentially be replaced at any time with another that he wants to be his primary partner. I have no idea why but I just assumed anyone he talked to or mentioned to me he was looking for a relationship with them. So I saw them as threats that could potentially harm my connection with Sir K.
I had to take a step back and sort through my feelings because I was literally driving myself crazy. I knew if I didn't get ahold of myself nothing would work and I so wanted everything to work. I was finally in a position I had dreamed about for so many years. So if I kept looking at things the way I was and living in total confusion- I would come across as someone that was not into poly relationships and that is completely wrong. That is one of the things I enjoy about our connection so much. Not the fact that we are open to connect with others- but that there is complete honesty. I love that! I don't have to sit and hide things and feel bad about feelings or attraction to another nor does Sir K. If he finds someone attractive or has feelings for someone he is allowed to discuss it. That is so awesome! To not have to hide anything and know you wont be judged or ridiculed- to just be you, it is wonderful. It honestly makes me feel that much closer to him- for him to be able to discuss something so intimate with me makes me feel like our connection is that much more deep. Also the level of trust it takes is unbelievable and to have that amount of trust in someone is so rewarding.
So I knew I had to get myself together or else I was going to not only drive myself insane but Sir K in the process and possibly lose him. So I did some more soul searching. I figured I needed to get my thoughts in order, organized. Since Sir K and I have so many different branches to our dynamic I had to put them in order and realize when I was to be a sub, a girlfriend and a friend. The reason I found this so important is because I love that our dynamic is not just on one level. I love the fact that I still see him as a friend and that I can talk to him as a friend. Just like I love the fact that he is my Dom and he can be in control with me and I trust him and love' love' love our connection in the lifestyle. But- I also love getting to see that tender, loving, caring side of Sir K when it comes to our relationship. I don't want to give up any of those feelings. That's what makes our connection so rewarding and fulfilling is that it's not just one dimensional.
This is what I figured out- I had to realize what aspects of our connection fit into what compartment. The first thing I realized was if I was to stay sane- I had to put the whole poly aspect back in the friend compartment. I had started looking at it from a girlfriend perspective and also from a monogamous perspective. I was looking at it from a completely different perspective then I should have. So now as before when we discuss any other potential partners I have to get in friend mode. Also- I have to train my brain to think about things as a poly relationship instead of monogamous- I'm so used to viewing things from a monogamous perspective that I have to retrain myself a little. It's a bit different to say you are poly and actually BE in a poly relationship. So it's new for me and I am learning. But ever since I put the poly aspect back in the friend box I feel much better. Now the girlfriend and the sub aspect kind of blurs together. Generally it's girlfriend/boyfriend mode. But if at any time Sir K thinks I've crossed the line in saying something or wants to take control of a situation- he will. So I just leave it up to him. Instead of biting my tongue like I used to thinking I have to be in sub mode nonstop- I gave up on that. I'm me until he switches into Dom mode or he lets me know I've crossed the line by saying something and he pulls me back and reminds me who's in control.
So there you go- after what? Like 4 months I finally figured this crap out! Now I feel like the fun can begin! I'm not uncertain or confused anymore. I've asked my questions and I know where I stand and what is expected of me. So I'm good to go! Everything is in the right compartment and organized. We are ready for takeoff. Please make sure your seat backs and tray tables are in the upright and locked position. Aaaaaaaand we're off! Yes I know I'm totally over the top when it comes to organization- just the way my brain works people!