Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Under Construction

Yes folks- Mariposa is once again undergoing renovations. Phase one- happiness, complete. Phase two was put on hold for a while due to the economy. No- more like other things came up that I had to address so I had to put myself on the back burner for a while. But here we are, ready for phase two- self improvement and staying happy. With the success we had in completing the first phase we show no sign of slowing down going into phase two. Estimated deadline- 12/31/2011 or as soon as humanly possible.

Yeah I know- cut the crap! I's happy now- I know I actively have to work at staying that way. So last year as I said I made a new years resolution. Well I'm not calling it that this year. I hate the thought of resolutions so I'll just call them goals. I have four major goals that will ultimately lead to more happiness and becoming my true self again. My four goals this year: 1) I lost 30 pounds last year, gonna lose the last 30 this year! 2) Get back to my two hobbies/passions in my life- music and dancing. 3) Dress the way I want to, dammit! 4) This one I actually came up with the other night when talking with Sir K. Overcome some of my fears- I have way too many for one person. So I plan on overcoming a few.

"Jesus! That's a lot to work on!" Well- I never thought I'd be as happy as I am and never thought I would ever have the energy and drive to lose the damn weight- but I did it. So yeah, it's a lot. But I know I can do it. Also completing these goals will not only help in my happiness- I will also prove to myself that I am still capable and have the drive to complete things in life. It will help me gain back my belief in myself. I do believe in myself more than I used to but I still have a ways to go :) So, objective for achieving goals: me time. Sometimes it's OK to be selfish and everyone needs time for themselves. That I have just learned.

Goal #1- Get My Sexy Back

My biggest fear in life- fat! I have some for the first time in my life! Kill me now!!!! As I've said before food and I don't have a loving relationship. Never have, never will. I've dealt with some form of eating disorder pretty much all my life. I still struggle everyday. I know it's a fact- a lot of my happiness depends on my weight. So instead of sitting down trying to figure out why I have my ups and downs with food, I've already tried that, I'll just lose the weight. But instead of starving myself like I normally would- I'm going to do it the healthy way this time. I've already lost 30 pounds- we're halfway there! I know I am more confident when I feel and look good, healthy. It's time to get that confidence back. So you'll see I added a little counter downer on the right hand side of my blog of the number of pounds I have to lose and the number I've lost. 2 down- 28 to go! Lets do this!!!! One thing I found works best for things like this- accountability. So why not put it up for everyone to see? That way I'm accountable.

Goal #2- Indulge In My Passions

So most know now that I grew up in dance. I started at the age of 3 and I competed for over 10 years. I had plans to become a professional dancer. I was classically trained and I was going to try and get into a company. An injury put an end to that dream. So I went with plan B- I wanted to go into theater. Either try musicals or- since everyone said I was too tall and gangly to be a dancer- The Rockettes! Two requirements- you have to be between 5'8"- 5'10"- made it barely, and long legs- got em!!!! Even though I knew I had no chance at being a prima ballerina like I wanted to I still pursued dance knowing I would end up in a carrier of some kind involving dance.

Another thing about me not many know is I used to be in a band- I played bass guitar. After high school I went into college majoring in music, well and childhood development- I was planning on being a teacher and possibly go on to be a ballet teacher. But music was my priority- I studied musical theory. Music is a huge part of my life. I live and breathe music. Not just because of dance either. Growing up my Dad was in a band so every weekend from the time I was a baby we spent hours at concerts my Dad put on. Music is in my blood. So as a teen my Dad taught me how to play bass and I fell in love with it. Not like I was looking to be some rock star or anything- I just enjoy playing.

Lets fast forward two years- I gave up my two passions in life- music and dance. The devil made me do it! Yes I still say he is THE Antichrist. Believe me- he is that awful. My first serious boyfriend came into my life and destroyed every ounce of confidence and passion that I had. So I gave up- no longer confident in my abilities and no longer able to enjoy them. I miss both so much. They weren't just hobbies for me. They were both a part of me- a release, therapy. Anytime I needed a stress reliever or was upset I'd dance it out or play music. There is nothing like the feel of listening to the music and letting your body just go and feel. When it comes to music and dance I don't just dance- it is very spiritual for me. I feel it in my bones. So not having those two things in my life has been draining.

I finally realized- so what if I can't have a carrier in dance? I can still dance just for the joy of dancing. Just like I can still play the bass just for my enjoyment. It doesn't matter what type of dance it is- I just love to dance. It doesn't have to be ballet- although there honestly is no feeling like creating those beautiful shapes with your body- stretching, breathing, feeling the music. But I'd be happy dancing in any form. So I've decided to somehow start dancing again. I plan to find classes- but that doesn't scratch my itch to perform. So I truly am thinking about either burlesque or Go Go dancing- may not need training but it is fun! High energy and fun- that scratches my itch of performing. Which leads to my diet- well of course it is for my happiness but if I am even starting to think about dancing again- my ass has to get back in hot mode! Dancing diet it is!!! Also I plan on picking my bass back up after 5+ years. I'm doing it! So yes- I'm taking time for myself and doing something I enjoy. It's about time I took a little me time.

Goal #3- Fuck Trends!

I'm a girl- I'm into clothes and shoes- fashion. But not in the way that most are. See, just within the past few years I've really toned down my wardrobe. Not like I could go into a job interview rockin a hot pink fishnet shirt, a miniskirt and some Doc Martens. Or my stolen bowling shoes and huge ass jeans and a hot pink leopard print shirt. You sensing a hot pink theme here? Speaking of my bowling shoes- I wonder where they went. Hey- I left a fuckin awesome shoe at the bowling alley to trade in for the most nerdy pair of bowling shoes in that place! They're a treasure!

I used to be the girl walking down the street that people stared at in amazement and thinking "what the? Did that girl get dressed in the dark or something?! My God! Fashion police STAT!!!" The more outlandish and "unique" it was- I wore it. Dresses and heels? Oh hell no! Ewwww! Girly crap! No- it was baggy jeans and shirts, or Dickies and tennis shoes. If my ass was in a heel it was a boot with a heel. That was the only way you were gonna get my ass in heels. Dress? PUKE! Never!!! I wore enough girly shit while dancing! Pink tights, pink pointe shoes with pink ribbons, tutus, sequins, hair in a tight ass bun. No- if I'm not on stage it's some damn baggy pants, a shirt and tennis shoes- the hair, will be wild!

My favorite places to shop were Berkeley and Halloween stores! I was the girl in Berkeley dressed in a tie dye tank top, jean shorts, black and yellow striped tights and work boots. Right next to me was my Bestie in her matching ensemble but red and black tights and a purple fur coat. Yeah! We were rockin it! As an adult working at a preschool I couldn't dress like that. Plus my hoity toity ex's and their need to seem like the perfect couple- preppy, trendy. I conformed- Nooooooo!!!!! Yes- I did :( But screw it! No, I may not go to the extreme that I used to. I'm 27! I can't wear hot pink fishnet on a daily basis. But I don't have to wear the damn trendy clothes either. I can wear my skulls and black and studs. Just more subdued. But- I'm very versatile. One day I may want to be all trendy. The next I may feel like a tomboy and the next I may wake up and want to be as girly as all get out. The next day I may want to get my rock on! Or I may decide to pull the old cowboy boots out, dust em off and put on my chaps. No- don't worry, I would never go that far. I don't own boots and chaps- shoot me if I ever do!

The point is- this is not high school, I don't have to stick to one fashion to "identify" myself. I like something- I'm gonna wear it. Whether it be the trendiest thing out there, the girliest thing you've ever seen or crazy and way out there. I like it- I'm buying it! That's me! I'm very dramatic, I'm out there- as if you couldn't tell that already. Just like dance- I view clothes as a way to express myself. So depending on how I feel that day- that's what I wear. You don't like it- bite me! OK, maybe not the right thing to say- I may like that. Piss off!

Goal #4- Shorten My List Of Fears

I'm a scaredy cat- I admit it. I hadn't thought about it actually until Sir K and I were talking about a certain fear of mine. Then I realized how many I actually have- it's ridiculous. Certain fears- no way in hell am I working on! But I have three fears that very much effect me. So I think I can work on three. That's not too bad- until I have to face them! OK- fears: guns, heights and deep water.

First- guns. I don't know why, they just scare me. This is how our conversation started. Fine- if you want me to work on that I'm willing. It's so bad- my nephew or my daughter play with a toy gun and I freak. "Don't point that thing at anyone!!" One time my daughter took a water gun- she had no idea what the hell it was- put it in her mouth with her finger on the trigger- she was just taking a drink. But all I could think was "OMG!!!! She has a gun in her mouth!" My overactive brain brought images of her as a teen committing suicide! I told my Mom "you take those right now and you throw them away! I don't ever want to see my child holding a toy gun again- EVER!!!"

I don't know what brought on my fear of guns- nothing bad happened in my past. Just when I see or hear or think gun- I think death. People die everyday due to them. Why would I want to be near them? To defend myself? Well, how many people get shot with their own gun! No thank you. But- I'll be a big girl. You want me to shoot one, fine. I'll give it a try. Even though the thought of even holding one or being near others holding one scares me like you would not believe- let's do this.

Second fear- heights. You run into this a lot. So I'm freaked out a lot in my life. Ledges, stairs without banisters, glass elevators, hotel windows, flying! Oh- don't even get me started on ladders! See- I tried to conquer this fear once. I was in seventh grade, class field trip- walked across the Golden Gate Bridge. I figure- we'll kill two birds with one stone- heights and water! OK- you can do this. I was doing great- until I got about a quarter of the way out and looked down! OMG!!!! You could see the water in a little opening in the bridge! I froze. It took 3 of my friends to even get me to walk. The only thing that kept me moving forward was the fact that I knew it was the only way I could get off the damn thing. My friend had fingernail marks in her wrist for weeks after. Yeah- didn't work. Oh and now I have a new fear- bridges! I don't know how to conquer my fear of heights but I'm willing to give it one last try.

Third fear- deep water. I know where this one came from. Two reasons- as a little kid I watched Fantasia. I was maybe three at the most. You know Sorcerer Mickey? With the brooms and the buckets of water? I flipped and thought Mickey died from drowning! Still to this day I can't watch Fantasia and I hear that music and have a mini panic attack inside. My heart starts racing- I feel like I can't breathe. It got so bad that my Dad had to take me out of the house while my Mom ran my bath water because if I heard the sound of running water I'd run around the house looking for the running water and turn it off. I thought the house was going to flood and we would drown.

The second reason I hate deep water- I was maybe 5 or 6. I spent the summer at a friends house- due to my aversion to deep water I didn't know how to swim. My friends parents thought- she just needs to jump into the deep end and either sink or swim. Their tactic- "go ahead. Jump in- I'll catch you." So I jumped in- they didn't catch me! I jumped in and they let me sink to the bottom- they figured I'd learn to swim out of fear for my life! Not cool! So then- I didn't want to put my head under water after that! So they pushed my head underwater!!!! That would be where my fear came from. Still to this day- I'll swim but my head stays above water. So help me if someone dunks me- I will come up swinging!!! Yeah-I don't see ever getting over this fear. We shall see.

There you go- my goals for the year. It does seem like a lot but I know I'm capable of it. I just need to keep on moving forward. I'm strong, I've been through hell but I made it through. I'm ready to live again. A while ago I made a bucket list. This post made me remember that. So I figure for bonus points- if I complete some of these tasks this year- yay for me! I figure I'll pick just a few from my list and see how many I can accomplish this year.

The first- for a while I've wanted to get another tattoo. It started as just wanting another one, then when I had my daughter it turned into something that could represent her as well. Then after my divorce it became a tattoo I would get to signify my healing and acceptance of my new family. My little two person family- me and my daughter. So I've been waiting to get this tattoo for quite a while- it's now more than just ink. It's something I will have to serve as a reminder of what I have overcome in my life and to always remember the lessons I learned. I can say now I 'm ready for that tattoo- I'm healed. So this year I'm going to get that tattoo. What is it? Well- see I'm big on getting tattoo's in places that wont sag when you get old! So I want it on my right foot. I want two butterflies (of course! Geez! Mariposa- hello!) one for me and one for my daughter. I will choose the colors for one and I will have my daughter choose the colors of the other. I also want our initials incorporated in the design. Not only am I getting butterflies because I love them- I'm getting them because they symbolize change, resurrection, celebration and the soul. I have changed, the real Mariposa has been resurrected and I'm celebrating my happiness and my triumph, my soul has been healed. What more could you ask for? So yes- I will be getting that tattoo as soon as I can.

A couple other things that are simple but meaningful. I want to laugh so hard I have tears running down my face and my sides ache. Do you know how long it's been since I really laughed? Too long- lets change that. Next- drunk karaoke. Two reasons- you know how long it's been since I have let loose enough to get shitfaced? Years! No it's not good if you do it like every other day but once in a while it's fun. Two: to learn to laugh at myself again. I used to be great at it. As I've gotten older I think like most- I've lost a bit of that fun and take myself and my situations too seriously. Next- spend a day at the spa. It's about time I pampered myself! I need to spoil myself- cause no one else is going to! Let's see- one more. Hmmm- should we go with wine tasting or learning to golf- dorky outfit and all of course! Come on- golf is so boring I have to find some way to entertain myself. So why not wear crazy socks, short plaid pants, ugly ass shoes, a Grandpa shirt and a poof ball on my head and yell "Fore!!!!" at the top of my lungs for no good reason? Yeah- let's go with that one- learn to golf. If nothing else just for the outfit.

So there's my goals for the year. Bragging rights for any extras completed and crazy stories to go with it. Let the construction begin!!!

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