I know so many- including myself fear the unknown. We are creatures of habit. We find something that works for us and we stick with it. But we are human and we change, fluctuate. Something that once worked perfectly for us- may one day be something you can't handle or you lose interest, or need to tweak it to get the response you want. But we all fear change and it's almost like we are afraid to admit we were wrong. Like we tried it and it didn't work for us- so instead of trying it a different way, we just call it quits. But we shouldn't give up so easily. That's just a part of life- learning, growing, evolving. How can we not change?
Another thing that has been on my mind lately is telling it like it is. So many of us are afraid to tell the whole truth. We think we'll hurt peoples feelings, lose them. But honestly- that is a characteristic I love in a person! I wish I could be that straightforward! I envy those people that can speak the truth without a filter. I worry way too much about others feelings than about my own. I'm always watching what I say and trying to put things as nicely as possible- no matter how horrible they are. Well, screw it! I'm done sugarcoating things. I'm done dancing around issues. I'm tired of putting others feelings before my own while mine get hurt in the process just because I didn't speak up. Not to say I'm going to come out guns blazing! But I'm not going to hold things in that I think will hurt others feelings anymore because my feelings end up getting hurt even more because of the things I keep inside.
So I'm gonna tell it like it is!!! In my old blog I did tell it like it was- I was completely honest. But now that I'm with Sir K- certain things I don't feel should be discussed on my blog for all to see! I mean yeah- we're not perfect, we're human and we are in a relationship. So of course there will be things here and there that come up. But I don't usually put them on here because I don't want people to blow them out of proportion. We are not ones who fight- we say whats bothering us and we address it, say sorry and move on. We don't have huge issues and I don't want it to seem that way so I don't post as much on here. Let me make this extremely clear before I post anything. Sir K and I are both mature adults who deal with things in a very civil way. I've actually never seen anything like it. If either of us have concerns about something we don't come and attack the other person like most others do in relationships. No, we address them- say this makes me feel this way. If need be there is an apology and we move forward and work on something if need be. I am the happiest I have ever been and continue to be happy. This post is in no way meant to be an attack or a put down- its speaking my mind and we have already discussed these things and worked on them anyways :) So all is well.
So, the reason I bring up the topic of changing and evolving is I realize just how much evolving I've done over the past year. I thought I was done- but I'm still growing. You always hear women say "it's a woman's right to change her mind." before I thought that was stupid and didn't want to be your typical woman that is constantly going back and forth on things. This past week I realized- that's part of life! It's not just a female thing either. We are all capable and able to change our mind, fluctuate and see what works best for us. If you don't try something- how will you know it's not for you? Life is a learning process. So damn right we should change our mind. Damn right we should explore and figure out what we like and don't like. So I will never again apologize for changing my mind or finding out new things about myself. So what if I change or tweak one aspect of my life 100 times. It's my life and I'm living it and and finding out what works for ME and what is best for ME.
I've felt bad for a while because here I am in a pretty new relationship, dealing with many new aspects and feelings- but I'm forever changing my mind or I feel I'm forever bringing up things that either bother me or I feel need to be handled differently. I feel I'm coming across as unhappy and that's not the case at all. I am the happiest I've ever been! I could gush some more but I think I'll keep it in this time :) Since everything is so new to me right now- I'm just tweaking things to make this a more fulfilling experience for not only me, but Sir K as well and any other individuals that come into our lives. So in order for that to happen- things may need to be changed or addressed from time to time.
Sir K said to me the other day that he wants to be my Knight and different from any other man I've known. The truth is- I want to be the same exact thing to him. I want him to feel things for me he's never felt before and fulfill needs for him that no one else can. In order for me to do that- I have to feel completely comfortable and feel special and wanted and know my feelings are returned. Although it may take a lot of effort to keep that type of dynamic going for both parties- I'm willing to put in the work. I want to put in the effort and I want the effort returned. Here's where the truth factor comes in- telling it like it is. I've changed in the fact that if I feel the effort is not being returned I'll say it. I'll voice my opinion. Before I would have sat in silence and let it fester. I would have just dealt with it and said to myself "meh. I guess I just care more for him than he does for me and that's just the way it is." But now- I know I'm worth the effort and I know I'm worth someones time and love. So if it's not being returned- I'll tell you. As I said before there are plenty of fish in the sea- I don't mean that to sound like Sir K is just another guy. He is not- it would hurt very badly if he just left. But I know I'm worth it. So it's just up to my partner whether they want to put in the effort and continually put in the effort.
Most of us get comfy in relationships after a while and don't put in as much effort- I know I've been guilty of that quite a few times. That is not an option anymore- I will never give less than 110% in my relationships and I expect the same in return. With me you get what you give. If you give me 110% I give back as much if not more. So this last week instead of swallowing my sadness and just letting it fester- I laid it out. I knew it would hurt Sir's feelings but I knew it was for the best. I had concerns and we have now moved past them, But I basically said "I don't like this... this made me feel like this...I will not put up with this..." It wasn't said because I was angry- it was said as a way of me basically saying "look. These things are really not working for me. these things make me feel less than and I need a change. Your choice if you feel this relationship is worth the effort." I left it up to him whether he wanted to put in the effort- it wasn't meant as an attack or a guilt trip or to nag. I think so many go about things the wrong way and that is what causes arguments and drama. But the way I handled the situation- I have to say I was very proud of myself. I tried to handle it with dignity and grace- which is huge for me because I used to be one of those girls that climbed all over your ass if I had an issue. Also- Sir K handled it very well. I am proud of both of us! That we can both communicate in such an open, honest, mature way is wonderful. Everything doesn't have to be an argument- you can have discussions.
Anyways- that little conversation made me realize that change and admitting something doesn't work for you is OK. It's more than OK- it should be expected. So I will never feel bad or apologize for changing my mind- ever. Everyone has the right to change their mind. All this made me think about every aspect of my life and made me analyze and think what needed to be tweaked in order to make my life all I want it to be. If I have a fulfilling life- in turn everyone involved in my life will have a more fulfilling experience. First thing I realized- wow, I have a lot of interests now. Or- a lot of different facets in my life that need attending to. I'm a mother, a girlfriend, a sub and a primary partner. All different separate entities, yet they blend together and work. I wouldn't give up any of them for the world. I enjoy every role so much.
But I've also noticed if I don't focus on one for a while and it's kind of pushed to the side to work on other "compartments" in my life- I miss them. That need isn't being met. So I've realized for me to stay happy- all these roles need to be balanced. Each needs to be nurtured and cared for. I can't just be a sub to Sir K or I miss the intimate, caring connection we have. I can't just be a girlfriend or I miss that D/s dynamic. Now that I've had that type of relationship- I know it is a part of me. Just as I know I'm not monogamous. Or I don't believe in monogamy. I personally may not be out searching for other partners by myself like Sir K- but I love the fact that he is able to and I truly, really like the idea of a triad or a poly family. It may be tough at times for me to handle Sir K having separate connections with others- but I know that is a need of his that needs to be filled. So, even though it may be tough from time to time for me emotionally- the good far outweighs the bad. I truly can't see our relationship any other way. I'll get more into the whole poly aspects in a bit. So- balance. That is one important role in my happiness is keeping each of my roles balanced and fulfilled. I broke down each of my roles and figured out what would make me most happy at this moment.
Although I hate to admit it- this is my most important role in life. I know I should have lived more and experienced more before I tried settling down and having a family. I know I can be selfish a times and I don't want to be tied down or have responsibilities to worry about. But the fact of the matter is I brought a human being into this world and it is my job to care for her and be there for her. So yes, I may not have wanted a child at such a young age- but that doesn't mean I don't love her or don't love being a Mother. There is nothing in the world that compares to being a parent. It is wonderful. Also when I am in "Mother mode" I can't help but feel like- this is what I was made for. I'm naturally a nurturer. So being a Mother fulfills that nurturing aspect of my personality.
The moments I find the most special is when it's just the two of us. When she looks up at me and says "Hi Mommy." and smiles. Or when she gives me a hug out of nowhere or holds my hand. I know she knows I'm there for her and I am her protector and I love her. So I know now I need to take the time to spend days with her where it's just us. It not only adds to my happiness- I know it makes her happy and makes our bond that much stronger. Changes as a mother- more quality time to be a Mom.
Just as I love being a Mother- I know I have to take the time to be happy myself. Not as a Mom- but as Mariposa. Mariposa needs Mariposa time as well. A lot of Mothers get in the mindset that once they have children- their lives become about that child and nothing else. That their needs as a woman are no more and they are selfish if they don't live for that child. So not true- and very unfair! Just because I am a Mother does not mean I don't have needs myself. I am separate from my child. We are two individuals- not one in the same. So I feel in order for me to be the best Mother I can be- I need to be happy. In order to be happy I need to have my personal needs fulfilled as well. They work together. If I'm happy as a Mom- I make a good girlfriend. If I'm happy as a girlfriend I make a good Mom.
Balance- it's all about balance. I need to still feel desirable and able to be loved. I need to know I'm still a woman and not just a Mother. I crave closeness and that acceptance and love just like everyone else. So damn right I'm making sure those needs are met as well. I've had a tough time with this one lately because to be honest- my Mother is fighting me the whole way. She feels now that I'm a Mother- my life does not exist anymore. I'm a Mother- that's my role! You don't go out- you don't do things without your child- ever!!! Your whole focus should be on the child! She makes me feel guilty for leaving the house to go to the store for 30 minutes to grab something when it's nap time and my daughter is asleep and not even aware I'm out of the house! So Lord knows I hear it if I go out for a couple hours after bedtime to spend some time with Sir K.
I finally had enough and told my Mom to keep her opinion to herself and to stop making me feel guilty for worrying about my happiness. She makes me feel like the worst Mother in the world if I'm not with my child 24/7. I'm tired of it- we have a difference in opinion and I'm not backing down anymore. So yes- I will take time for me and I will go out on dates- I will be a girlfriend and I will not apologize for it or feel guilty about it. I've let that guilt trip get to me so I haven't spent as much time as I'd like to with Sir K the past couple months. No more! I have a relationship- I have one I love and who loves me. I will be the best girlfriend I can be. So way to make that better- spend quality time with Sir K more often.
I know it can make things seem more boring if you schedule in time each week for a loved one. But life can get busy- so I think when you have two busy people- you do have to schedule things. So although I don't like saying this or for it to come across as demanding- but I'd say time needs to be put aside at least once a week to see each other. Or else I feel like I'm neglecting my responsibilities as a girlfriend in my relationship. Honestly if I go long periods of time in between seeing Sir K- I don't feel like a part of his life. I don't feel important or special. I feel just like another friend- or just some other play partner he has instead of a girlfriend. So yeah- I need time put aside for both of us at least once a week for it to be a fulfilling relationship. Just as I need to feel supported in things I do- like my blog. One of the reasons I have not been writing as often lately is because I honestly didn't feel like it meant anything. The one person who I shared these experiences with and was writing my emotions for- was having nothing to do with it. So I kind of lost my desire and need to write. Plus I've been sick as a dog!
So basically- I didn't feel supported. Plus I didn't want to just use my blog as a means to express my hurt feelings- that's something that needed to be said in private. But I'm done hiding some of my emotions. I will write what I want and I will write about my emotions because even though I do share those experiences with Sir K- it is still MY blog. My separate passion. So I will write it for me as well as Sir K. But I do want that support. But it made me realize- since I wasn't feeling that support it made me pull back and think "fine! I'm not going to go out of my way either. He doesn't show interest- neither will I. I wont ask to see him. I wont surprise him at work like I want to- I wont text. I'll make him text me. You get what you give." I realized I was going back to old habits. So I made it a point to go out this week to an event that Sir K was helping with to show my support and I will continue to show my support and help any way possible to make this group a success- so I will be there at every event and I will be there in any way he needs or wants me to be there for him in that aspect. If I want to receive I need to give. So I am making an effort to be involved in more things in his life so it doesn't seem so sporadic of a connection. I love him and I want him in my life and I want to be in his life as well. So- Sir K says sometimes he needs to be put in check- I hate to do it but I will :) Just as I want him to put me in check when I need it. You say you need a slap up side the head sometimes- even though that's so not me, I'll do it. But I expect it to go both ways. I need a slap up side the head sometimes too- do it!
Recently I feel the D/s aspect of our relationship has kind of been neglected, pushed to the side a little. I honestly miss the more intense scenes we had when we first started playing. I didn't realize how important all this was to me until recently. You know- life is life. We all get busy and also I think our focus has been more on just our relationship as boyfriend/girlfriend lately. For me a Dom/sub relationship is completely separate from boyfriend/girlfriend. I am completely different as a sub than I am as a girlfriend just as Sir K is different as a boyfriend then as a Dom. But I enjoy and want both.
Due to the lack of more "intense" play lately it's made me feel inadequate as a sub. I started thinking "what? Do I not please him anymore as a sub? Or does he not find me desirable anymore? Am I not a good sub to him? Does he just not enjoy BDSM anymore? Does he want another sub instead?" So I figured- maybe if I take on a dominant role- it will push him to dominate me because he likes being the one in control. So I tried a little Domme role- I figured out, that's not me at all. I may be bratty and fight you sometimes- but it's not because I want control- it's because I want to push you to take even more control. I in no way am dominant- nor am I a switch. I may try it more because I know it pleases Sir- but it is just a role. I ultimately want to be controlled.
I started thinking "he's talking to others as potential play partners, relationships. Maybe he is looking for a new sub. Maybe you should talk to others and find your own play partner to be your Dom." I sent one message to one Dom and realized- no, not happening. I'm Sir K's. I'm his sub- I can't submit to another. Without knowing it- I became his and his alone when it comes to submission. To me submission is very intimate and I can't just submit to anyone. In the lifestyle- as a sub, I'm owned. I can't submit to another. I have a Dom and the only way I'm going to submit to another is if Sir K says to. If not- I'm his. When it comes to submission- me personally, my submission only goes to Sir K. So I need to express my need for submission and extreme play with him. Not look for it elsewhere- because that wont fulfill my need for submission because I don't trust easily and without trust- I can't submit. So I need to find out- how this part of our dynamic will evolve. That one I'm still working on. Not like as a sub I can say "Tie me up!" That's not submission- that would be what I want, not what Sir K wants. :)
Poly /Primary Partner
This is a complicated one because there are so many views on what polyamory is. Everyone views it differently. This is the "compartment" I've had the most trouble organizing, sorting through. I think I finally have it down- but again, I can change my mind at any time :) So at this point- I realized what needs to happen in order for my personal experience in polyamory to be fulfilling and all I want it to be. First things first- I may sound like a bitch, but it is what it is. I'm primary- to me that means I get the most time and effort put into our relationship. That means that's my man! I'm just nice enough to share. But so help me you come at me with an attitude, or trying to compete or think you are better that me- I will dropkick a bitch so fast! All you best recognize who's top dog around here! Including you too Sir ;)
That in no way means I don't respect these other connections; nor does it mean I think they mean less- I just mean you respect me, I respect you in return. You can have at as long as you understand this bitch ain't going anywhere and I'm being nice enough to put my heart and emotions out there and trust enough to share my man. So I think that is deserving of respect. I will always respect other girls time and connection- but damn right I expect that respect in return. You respect my time and respect my relationship or you will see my bitchy, possessive side come out. I hate to admit- yes I do have one- but I am more that willing to put that aside so Sir K's needs are fulfilled. For him, I know he wants that open relationship and the ability to be his flirty self and be able to play with others. I am totally fine with that. But you hurt my me or my man- you going down!!! ;)
For me personally, in my relationships- I know that is not for me. I'm not one to go out on my own and find separate partners. But I have no problem with Sir going about it that way- that's what he enjoys and I am not here to put limits on anyone. But for me- poly connections- anything I am involved in I don't see as going out and finding another person and playing together just me and that other person alone. For many different reasons!!! 1) I don't trust easily 2) I'm very shy and not one to tell another I'm interested in them. 3) I feel so close to Sir K as not only a girlfriend but as a friend that I want him to be a part of it. 4) I feed off of others energy. I've found that Sir K honestly gives me the confidence and makes me feel safe in situations. Because I'm so shy- half of the stuff I've done- I honestly would have never had the nerve to do it if Sir K weren't present. I don't know why but when I'm with him in person I feel more confident and safe- so for now, for me to pursue something on my own- I honestly don't have the confidence or trust enough to do it.
Mostly I think my comfort level of what I view as a poly relationship for me is based on one thing alone. Even before I had even heard of polyamory I thought to myself "wouldn't it be wonderful to be in a relationship where instead of 2 it were 3 or even 4 people committed to one another?" I can honestly say I've always viewed relationships that way- ever since I can remember, even as a child. I thought it could be like one happy family. More people means more love and support to go around right? That's why I admit- the thought of a triad to me, would be awesome. But that truly takes a certain type of person and it has to be someone both people are equally interested in. But basically- for me, poly relationships are not an individual thing for me at this point. For me to be in a relationship with more than one- they would have to be involved with all parties. So that means if I am to personally get involved with another- it includes Sir K. The same way with play partners- if I am to be involved with a play partner- it would either have to be with Sir K present or someone we both know well. I'm not going out on my own to find individual play partners. For me it will always include Sir K.
The fact that Sir K is out on his own meeting others does get to me a little from time to time. I kind of feel less important, less special, not as desirable. Like he is looking for another to fulfill some need I can't give him. Which makes me lose confidence. So- if I am to pursue the poly lifestyle in the way I stated: Sir K free to meet and connect with others by himself and me only getting involved with others if Sir is involved as well; then a few things need to be addressed. If that's the case- I need to know I am still a primary and that I am special and do fulfill needs. I need to know I am still important no mater how many girls come and go. I just need reminders. Also- there needs to be an emphasis in finding a partner we can both enjoy and that shouldn't be pushed to the side so Sir K can find more and more separate connections. I'll admit- sometimes I feel my time with Sir K is taken up by searching for other girls when he has one right in front of him. I'm here and energy does not need to be wasted on finding more girls. But- that just comes down to insecurities I think.
Anyways- in order for us both to be happy in our poly choice- these things need to happen. For one; I'll admit Sir K is busy and sometimes I get lonely. It would be nice to have another that cares for not only me but Sir K as well and we can all be there for one another when the other is busy. That way there is always someone available that cares and loves you. The problem is finding someone who understands our connection and views things the same way. That would be tough to find. But also- I enjoy the fact that Sir K and I have our own separate connection- just us. But at the same time, sometimes I wish I had another. I'm very torn.
So that's what has been going through my head recently. A lot- as usual :) I may change my mind next week after some thinking. But that's why I'm here- to learn and explore. I'm just so happy I have a person I can explore such things with!!