Wednesday, March 16, 2011

The Development Of A Submissive

I was asked a very good question the other day. When did you know you were into fetishes/BDSM? Most people usually ask how you got into the lifestyle. But they don't ask how your fetishes developed or when you knew vanilla sex just wouldn't do it for you. I had to think about it, I couldn't give a straight answer. I think personally it wasn't something I always knew about myself or developed from the time I was a child. I think it was a slow process of events that ultimately led me to the lifestyle. A lot of people say that from the time they were a child they liked spankings etc. It wasn't like that for me. So it really made me stop and think- what was it that got me into BDSM? When did I know I liked fetishes? So here it goes- the psychology behind my fetishes! Well- kinda.

As a child I was never spanked- ever. So I honestly have never felt pain as a form of punishment. Maybe that's part of why I don't view spanking in a negative light- I don't associate it with discipline. I lived a very sheltered life. I grew up in a strict Christian home- we went to church numerous times a week. I was only told the basics when it came to sex. The penis goes into the vagina- it's for making babies. Nothing about pleasure, just that's how babies are made and that it's bad and evil to have sex unless you are married. Well being the curious child that I was- around 8 or 9, I started thinking: why is it everywhere and why do people boast about how great sex is if all it's for is making babies? There has to be more to it! I got ahold of of some of my Mom's cheesy romance novels one day- you know the type with the half naked chick clinging to the bare chest of a pirate or something on the cover. I became obsessed!! As soon as I came across the first sex scene- I was in awe.

From the very beginning when I started reading and learning about sex- it was just plain boring to me. The novels where it was soft and sensual, where they "made love"- snooze! One day I picked up one that was a little more risque. It wasn't soft and sensual. Instead of the characters saying things like "make love to me" while they showered each other with kisses he "pounded into her" while she screamed "fuck me!". Immediately I chucked the "romance" novels and looked for the kinky, hard core ones! I thought- yeah! That's what I'm talking about! I guess that was the start of it- I knew I didn't want to be handled like a delicate flower.

When I became sexually active I was very disappointed. It did nothing for me. I thought- this is what people are boasting about?! I was the more dominant one in most cases I guess- I figured if I got rough with them, they'd get worked up and be rough with me. No such luck. So fake orgasm after fake orgasm- I got really bored with sex and with relationships in general. I thought there was something wrong with me because while partners were touching me lightly and going slow- I'd tell them "harder! Faster!" They'd say "I don't want to hurt you. I love you." I was thinking- "that's the whole point! pleasure- I'm not getting pleasure from this! Be a little rougher!" After a few guys with the same attitude- I thought I was the crazy one. I thought I shouldn't want a rougher touch- why do I want to be pushed and spanked and scratched? What kind of person gets off on that?! So I figured I'd lead a life where I just didn't enjoy sex. I thought maybe women just don't enjoy it as much as men. Maybe that's just the way it is.

Move ahead oh, 2 years. I was 18-19. I was over at my BFF's house, we were hanging out with a mutual guy friend. We got into a tickling/wrestling match. This guy was like three times my size- he was a big guy, muscular. So pretty soon I found myself on the ground and him on top of me, straddling me with my hands pinned to the floor above my head. I tried to struggle to get up but he slammed my arms back down and laid on top of me. In that moment I was more turned on than I had ever been in my life. After years of sex and no pleasure, someone just forcefully holding me down had me more excited than sex itself! The feel of his weight on me and him pinning me down, knowing I couldn't escape- I almost orgasmed right then and there! Out of nowhere he bit my neck; I literally went cross eyed with pleasure. I guess you could say that was the moment I knew I liked biting and bondage.

We became fuck buddies essentially. He was very forceful and dominant. Of course at that point I knew nothing of D/s. I just knew that he was stubborn as hell and there was no denying my body loved it! One time he literally grabbed my arms and picked me up and slammed me against a wall and pinned me to the wall with his body. We had numerous "wrestling" matches that turned into some of the hottest sex I've ever had. It was his way- no ifs, ands or buts about it. I would literally beg him at times to fuck me- but he took me when and where he wanted and there was no way to sway his desicion. He never spanked me or anything though.

Moving on to the year after that. We went our separate ways. At that point I wasn't looking for a relationship. I ended up with another friend with benefits. He was your typical bad boy. He thought he was THE man and essentially an asshole. Why that made me attracted to him I have no clue! I think it was the fact that- my whole life people had been attracted to me and threw themselves at me at times. With him, he had the attitude like "you only wish you could have this." Instead of him being totally into me, he showed little interest. That made me want him even more! He ended up being a total jackass- my first actual experiences with humiliation. He was forever doing things to humiliate me and feel less than. Why I kept coming back for more- I have no idea. I'm really not into humiliation, but just the fact that I had to work to get to him made it that much more satisfying when I did get to him.

He was the first to spank me. Out of nowhere one day, in the middle of sex he spanks me- I freeze. "You like that?" Actually- yes!!! "I don't know" I giggled like a school girl. I wasn't going to admit to liking something so odd! That's something you do to a 3 year old! He never spanked me again after that. But he did start asking me questions about things that I now know as fetishes in the lifestyle. Things like: do you like male authority? Do you like being restrained? Toys under clothing in public? Orgasm denial? Anal? On and on and on..... All I could ever say was "I don't know". I wasn't going to admit to liking or thinking about most of those things. He even came right out one time and asked "How about you give me full authority over you sexually? You'll be mine to do with as I please. My slave." What?! How dare you think that you could have any authority over me! Degrade me nonetheless sexually?! How dare you even ask that! That's before I knew anything about safe, sane and consensual. I thought he was out of his mind.

What did I do? I went home and fantasized about these things. Especially dominant or "male authority" as he had put it. But I would never admit that to anyone- ever. Since he turned out to be such an ass I think it turned me off of the whole dominant thing. So I forgot about my fantasies and looked for a "nice" boy to treat me "right". A gentle soul, one that wasn't pushy. I ended up with another sub! I married that subbie. Talk about a match made in hell! I let my subbie side take a backseat for a while until after my divorce. The first time I actually came across the term BDSM was only 2 years ago. I came across it in- you guessed it- a romance novel. It involved a lot of spanking. I was actually a little disturbed at first. I wondered why someone would actually choose to endure pain. But I couldn't stop thinking about it. Later on in the book they started talking about pain that lead to pleasure. That peaked my interest. So I started researching BDSM online. That's when I realized- aha! I have heard of this before! Femdom! I knew of people's fetishes with dominant women- but silly me never thought that a woman could be the submissive and the man dominant. When I made the correlation and thought of a dominant man and me, a female as the sub- it clicked. That's what I had been dabbling in for years without knowing it and that's exactly what I was looking for in my sex life.

So I began my search to find a Dom. That was the first time I truly identified myself as a submissive and really learned about the lifestyle. The more I learned- I knew I was a total submissive and always have been. There's nothing wrong with me- there's a whole community out there of others just like me! I played with a couple "Dom's" only once. That's when I found out I'm a bit of a masochist. We're not talking needles or breaking skin or anything! No way! But spanking, hair pulling, wrestling, biting. Pretty much being man handled- I can't get enough of it. I remember my first spanking. I thought "OMG! I do not like this!!!" He spanked HARD! But then, after my skin was sensitive to the touch, after my skin was red from all the blood- he ran his fingertips over my skin- that's what they mean by pain leading to pleasure!" It's not the pain so much that I enjoy- it's the contrast between a rough touch and then a light touch that I enjoy. The hurt so good feeling of sitting on a sore ass the day after a spanking. Also the mental aspects of not knowing if the next touch will be a light caress or a stinging swat. It all leads to pleasure where your senses are on overdrive and you get an adrenaline rush. THAT is the sensation I love- touches that leave me weak in the knees.

It wasn't till Sir K that I actually became what I would consider part of the community. This is my first go round of actually being another's submissive. I have to say- I can never go back. I am a sub. I am a BDSM fanatic, a fetishist- whatever you want to call it. This is my journey to finding that I love BDSM. What's yours?