Monday, March 28, 2011

Forever Growing

Well, this is going to be my last post for a while. I'm going to pursue something that I've been thinking about for over a year now. I'm going to write a book. A fellow writer told me a while back that the best way to get over writer's block is to write about something different. At first I thought- I can't do that! My blog is only about D/s! I HAVE to write about it. Yet as I sit down everyday and write post after post and am still unsatisfied with my writing- I realized it is time to step away and not only get rid of this major writer's block, but to pursue one of my dreams as well. So I'm going to focus on writing my book for the next few months. I may post here and there if I get an itch to write. But the majority of my focus will be on my book and finishing my school. It's something I know I have to do not only for myself, but my family as well.

So you are probably wondering- what's the book about? Well, something very dear to my heart. So much so that as I've tried to ignore this little voice in my head the past year, the voice is now screaming "Just write the damn book already!" The focus will be on single parenting, with a few points on divorce and coping with everything that comes with the life changing experience. I know I'm not an expert and I don't have much experience with writing in general. But something inside of me keeps telling me I have to share my story with others. I feel I owe it to all the other single parents that find themselves in the same situation I was- with no hope, broken. I need to let them know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. So I figure, what the hell! Let's give it a try! If anything it will be therapuetic to get everything out. If it's never published, so be it- at least I tried. So wish me luck!

I figured I'd end with a post having to do with- what else? Sir and I- our relationship. No, I'm not putting my blog on hold because we are having problems. Actually- it's the total opposite. I am very happy with everything at the moment. I'm actually a bit tired of all the critics I've had approach me the past couple months. I've had people try and tell me what should and shouldn't make me happy and I'm tired of it. So that's another reason I'm taking a break from revealing every damn thing about my relationship. I am at a place that I want to keep things more intimate. I want to know what Sir and I share is special. By keeping it between us and the others we involve gives me that feeling of it being more intimate. That is just what I want at this time.

So here's one last post where I will be completely honest and open about my feelings. I feel I actually owe it to Sir. One of the reasons I write is because I'm a much better communicator when I write. So I kind of found my blog as a way to communicate to him how much he means to me and how happy he makes me. But I haven't posted something like that in a long time. So I feel I need to write in order to remind Sir how happy and loved he makes me feel. So even though this particular post is very revealing- am I scared it will freak Sir out or come across the wrong way? No- we are both mature adults and we know where we stand with each other and we are very open and honest with one another. That is honestly one of the things I love most about our relationship. I know there's no hidden agendas- what you see is what you get. It takes that stress and worry away that a lot have in relationships. I don't have to worry about him hiding something he has an issue with- if he has an issue with something- it's said, worked on and we move forward. So yeah- some might find how "deep" I go shocking- but honestly it's no big deal. It's nothing that hasn't been mentioned before.

OK, so- I'm going to tackle THE question. You have no idea how many times people have asked me this question over the past couple months. What does the future hold for you and Sir? I can only give you one answer- I don't know. It's that simple. "What?! You don't know?! You mean you aren't thinking like 10 years down the road?" Nope. I'm not- so I don't know, we shall see. That doesn't mean I don't love Sir to death- I do. It just means I'm not going to sit and daydream of what "may be" because that is just living in a fairytale world. Also- I think people tend to forget, uh, we haven't really been in a relationship all that long- at least not in my book. But that doesn't mean I don't have strong feelings for him. I feel VERY strongly for him- at first so much that is scared me.

 Let's just say after my divorce I really wasn't open to any type of emotion. I never thought that another would love me again let alone that I would or could love someone. I had a heart of stone. I wasn't going to let anyone in at all. Ever! But out of nowhere- here comes Sir, nonchalantly and took my heart. Dammit! That's mine give it back! Unknowingly, over these past few months Sir taught me how to love and be loved again. The loving another wasn't the hard part. But to let another love me in return- that was a battle. I still have trouble with that from time to time. Generally when I have a little what I like to call "freak out" or "girl moment", it has to do with the fact that I think I'm not able to be loved. I don't think I'm worth his time or effort; so I try to push him away by being a total "girl". I don't think I do that nearly as much now hehe. I think I am secure enough now and know I am worth someones time and I am lovable. I just have to be open to it.

I honestly don't know why people ask me this question because again- we haven't been together for a long time. Maybe it's because I'm a Mom so people immediately think that I need to be with a man! I need to plan my future and have a father figure for my daughter! Let me make this abundantly clear. No matter what happens in life. No matter if I end up alone or with Sir or with someone else- my daughter has 1 Father. Her biological Father. Just because he is not present in her life and is probably the biggest jerk and most selfish, immature person on this planet- he's still her Father. And she will know him as her Father. No one will ever "replace" him. No one will ever be her "new Daddy". Think what you want- but that is how it is going to work. "Well, if Sir is in your life he has to realize your child is part of that. Plus what if he wants to take on the role of father figure?" Well, yes he is aware she is a part of my life- well aware. But that doesn't mean that we can't have a relationship and me still be the only parental figure. It is very much possible and it is being done. Just because he chooses to have a relationship with me does not mean he chooses to take on a responsibility that is not his. For me to say that he should is not fair or right at all. It's not fair for any of the parties involved- me, Sir or my daughter. That is a very touchy subject and something that if it is ever addressed I feel will not be addressed until a lot farther down the road! What if he wants to take on that role? Well, that honestly is not my call and never will be and again is a very touchy subject and something that really does not need to be addressed at this time. But ultimately that is Sir's choice and his alone.

I went through a tough time with a dear friend recently. They pushed me to look at these questions. Honestly- it was none of his business and didn't need to be pushed. Let nature takes it's course- let things happen naturally. It truly hurt me to have to end that friendship- but all these questions were making me upset. I feel as long as my daughter is taken care of, knows she is loved and is provided for and happy- that's all that matters. If that is taken care of- I'm doing my job as a Mother. Anything else- is of no one else's concern. All I can say is- I'm happy! So be happy for me! Don't question what should and shouldn't make me happy. I'm a big girl and can make decisions for myself- I've been doing it for quite some time now thank you.

Which leads me to my whole point- I'm so happy with the way things are going in my life at the moment. I am surrounded by amazing people and am so blessed to have them in my life. They all bring something different. They all enrich my life and will continue to. With Sir- as I've said a million times, he is not only a lover and a Dom- he is a dear friend. I just love to be around him. He brings joy into my life and I have been able to explore things in my life that I never thought possible and I can't wait to see what else there is to discover. I trust him and respect him so much. He is my constant and that makes me so happy and makes me feel so secure. He truly does make me feel safe at all times. I've never had that in a partner- someone that I felt totally safe with. That is honestly the one quality that I need in a man and I never knew it until I had it. I need that feeling of security, that I'm protected and treasured. I couldn't ask for more.

As for being in a poly relationship- it's working for us. At this point- I am very happy with the way things are. We are exploring together and I enjoy every minute of it. I must say- I really enjoy the dynamic between Sir, Hottie and I. Just from the short time I spent with Hottie in person- I have more of a sense of what an awesome person she is. So I really, really look forward to actually spending more time together- all of us. It was so much fun and to me it felt natural. Enjoy- that's an understatement :) More like- I am so turned on by the thought of just her WATCHING Sir and I play. I'm not even going to get into the idea of her dominating me and all the other thoughts in my head! I wont be able to sleep then! Anyways- back to my original point. I am just so happy and feel so blessed to have met the people I have these past few months and I so look forward to getting to know everyone better and can't wait to learn more about myself and I know Sir will be by my side, discovering himself as well.

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