Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Double-edged Sword

Here it is! I say I'm going to focus on my book because I have total writers block when it comes to my blog. The minute I try to focus on my book- all I can write is about D/s! Goodness! I just can't win. So the only way to move on to my book, clear my head and write what's on my mind. Here we go :)

You ever just feel conflicted in every aspect of your life? Not so much conflicted, everything has a benefit yet a liability at the same time? That's where I'm at- every part of my life is a double-edged sword right now. But the benefits are so worth dealing with the liabilities so I can't change anything because I love the benefits so much. I know! I think way to much. Believe me, life would be so much more simple if my brain didn't think so logically. That's another thing- I don't generally let emotions affect my decisions in life. They may play a small role. But generally I'm computing and weighing the positive and negative of things instead of saying "I'm doing it because it makes me happy". So maybe that's why I look at everything as double-edged. I look at both the positive and negative. But I must say I'm a little tired of thinking so much. I just wish I could loosen up and go with the flow more, but that's not how my brain works. Also- I'm not the only one I have to look out for. I have a 3 year old that's counting on me as well. So I have to weigh the benefits, consequences of choices etc. Not only do my decisions effect me, they will effect her as well.

So, double-edged sword you say? How so? I'll explain- I try to be a positive person so I'll start with the negative/liabilities and end on a happy note with the positives :) Also- I want to say even with these negatives, I wouldn't change a thing about my life. I'm happy, even with the bad. The good comes with the bad- that's just life.

So first thought: monogamy/polyamory. I wouldn't say I'm questioning if I'm mono or poly. I am poly- 100%. Honestly I don't see it as such a huge difference. We all flirt, we all are capable of loving more than one, we all sometimes wonder if the grass is greener on the other side and not all, but MOST cheat. Or maybe I shouldn't use the word cheat. In polyamory it's not cheating- cheating involves lying. So I'll say MOST give into their wants for another. To me THE only difference between monogamy and polyamory: honesty. It's that simple. At least for me.

Why? I've never been in a relationship with a man that could be faithful. It's in our DNA. Or, if we want to be negative- I just am not able to satisfy anyone completely and I am aware of that. But I don't see it that way. I see it as- we are all sexual beings. We want to know we are desired and loved, no matter if we are committed to the love of our lives. We want others to love and accept us. So I don't think we are wired to be monogamous- I think society has made us BELIEVE we are mono and that is why we fight the feelings so much of wanting another. We've been told it's wrong. So to me there is no other option but poly because I choose honesty. I'm not putting up with lying- I don't want to lie and I don't want Sir to lie. I choose honesty and trust. Period.

I know I'm one of the biggest flirts that ever lived and I can tell you- Sir is also :) Just the way we are. So, why should I have to hide or change that about myself or feel bad about it or expect Sir to do the same? It doesn't mean I don't love or want to be with Sir any less. I just love male attention. I'll admit it! I love, love, love men to notice me and flirt with me. But 9 times out of 10 your ass isn't getting anywhere with me. I just like the attention. I'm very, very picky about who I let in my life. Just because you find me hot doesn't mean I'll take you up on your offer. Call me bitchy or a tease or whatever you want- at least I admit it.

Anyways- the double-edged sword; the negative side. Being in a poly relationship- I do have a lot of feelings of "I wish I was enough to satisfy him." I tend to think I am not good enough. Every once in a while I feel less than and like just another girl. I don't feel "special" because he can do ALL the same things he does with me with any girl. So that really doesn't help the self image. Also, there is a chance- one day he could find someone else and all of a sudden I go from primary/love of his life to #15 on the list. Plus time management. The more people involved- the more time I have to "share" him with others, which means I don't get as much attention.

Now the positives. Where do I even start? With that vulnerability of total honesty and trust- comes the most beautiful, fulfilling connection you could ever imagine. It eliminates so many problems involved in mono relationships- they never even enter your thoughts. You have a much more intimate connection because you can share EVERYTHING and not have to hide anything. That allows you to be closer to someone than you've even been. The trust that is needed by both partners to keep a poly relationship healthy is amazing. You HAVE to trust they are always open and honest with you and trust that they still care for you and will come back to you no matter how many others they care for. So to be able to reach that level of trust with someone- nothing compares. To be able to lean on another like that and know they are there for you no matter what is amazing.

Another thing- for me, I'm one that really only connects on an emotional level with one at a time. Or at least that is all I'm open to at the moment. So I'll tell you- Sir has my heart, completely. The others I talk to- if it's not friendship, it's only based on physical attraction. It's only for physical gratification and not an emotional connection. I know that's more an open relationship thought process and that's honestly where I'm at right now. Friendship and/or physical relationship. But I know it is possible for someone to love more than one at a time. I'm not putting that limit on Sir. He is free to do what he wants. If it involves feelings or not- fine by me. Is that hard for me to handle? Yes. The thought of him loving another- it really does make me sad. Just because I'm afraid that if he does love another that his love for me will not be as strong. But I know love doesn't work that way- you can love multiple people and it not interfere with your feelings of another. But it's tough to remember that at times.

But I'm willing to put aside my discomfort for Sir's happiness. For me- letting him have that freedom is kind of a way of me showing just how much I do love him. Cause let me tell you, I'm not going to be uncomfortable for just anyone! It's my way of saying "yes, I'm nervous about the thought of you with others and the thought of you loving someone more than me and the thought of another woman touching MY man. (He may be the Dom but I say I own his ass just as much as he owns mine, OK?!) But I love you so much that I'm willing to go through the ups and downs of my emotions so you can have the freedom you want." That to me is true love- selflessness. Some of these girls may not be my favorite- but I'm OK with that. I will say though there is one girl in particular that I have no problem with whatsoever. I've actually learned to care for her myself. I trust her and respect her and she is an awesome person. So Hottie- she is the one I will never ever have a problem with. Let's just say- right now, I tolerate the others he he

As you can see I can't be anything but poly. That's just me. I choose honesty. Even though I may get upset sometimes, there are far more triumphs than losses. I can be uncomfortable every one in a while if it means I am also the happiest and most in love I've ever been.

Next double-edged sword. Being a Mother. The negatives: I no longer come first. I have another life I have to think about. I can't just take off one day and have a day to myself. My schedule is adjusted to HERS. Everything I want to do has to be pushed aside, rescheduled, only at certain times. There is no such thing as a sick day as a Mom. Even with a 103 temp, the breakfast wont cook itself. There is no such thing as sleeping in or weekends. Children don't know the difference between a Tuesday or a Saturday. Money has to be spent on preschool and dance classes instead of that iPad you're dying for.

The positives: again, where do I start? Nothing compares to the love you feel for your child. Their triumphs are your triumphs. Their tears are your tears. The excitement of all their firsts- the pride you feel. "That's my child. She learned that because of me! I helped create that beautiful human being." You learn what unconditional love is. A simple kiss, hug, smile, or I love you can wash away a day from hell in an instant. You get to see your child grow into an adult and know you helped form them as a human being. I could go on and on but you get the idea.

This next one has to do with me as a sub more than anything. But also just as a woman. These are more conflicts than double-edged swords. I can't decide which I like more. On one hand- maybe because I've always been the girl that guys said was marriage material, not hook up material. So that always made me feel like I'm not desirable. Like- they are fine to come to me for love, emotions but I don't do it for them sexually. WTF! "You mean- you want to be wanted for your body and not your brains? I thought women were the opposite!" Most are! But when you've been told your whole life that they like your mind more than your body- you kinda feel inadequate in the sexy department! So yeah! Part of me wants to be viewed as a piece of meat. Tell me I'm hot and fuckable! Tell me I do it for you! Go ahead- tell me I'm just here cause you're horny and find me hot!

Then I realize, no I do want to be considered more than just a hot piece of ass. I want to be respected. How hard could it be?! I just want to be considered a hot piece of ass that you respect and care for. Why is it so complicated to combine the two?! I don't know- but it seems to be for so many men. Balance boys. Yes- you can treat me like a sex object- actually I love it! I crave it! But the respect has to be there as well- just a hint! So I forever worry about becoming the girlfriend that is no longer sexy. It seems in all my relationships- it would start out with physical attraction. I felt desirable, sexy, hot. Then for some reason when men switch on the love, in my case anyways, the sexy switch shuts down! So it becomes "Well, no I love you. We make love, we don't have sex anymore. I don't think of you as a sexy woman anymore- you are more than that." No! No, no, no! You can love me- but you still better fuck me and want me! Making love- fine, every once in a while. But I still need to know I do it for you as a woman! So yes- think of me as a piece of meat, here for your pleasure. But in moderation ;)

Last one: I'm generally a very independent person. I don't want to have to count on anyone else. I figure- if I do it I know it will get done. If I depend on another- who knows if they will hold up their end of the bargain. I like the freedom of being independent and like that I don't have to answer to another. Yet, I want a partner in crime. I want someone I can depend on. Life gets lonely if you are all by yourself. I want someone to help me carry the weight of all the responsibilities life throws my way. But at the same time- I think I'm capable of doing everything on my own and want to do everything on my own.

Here's where it gets real. So bare with me while I sweat bullets. I only bring this up because so many have asked me: will you ever get married again? Right now, all I can say, I am undecided at this point. I'm still not sure if I really believe in legally binding yourself to someone. So marriage, as the state sees it, only legal, on paper- no, not for me. But the commitment of being with a person, yes I'm all for it. I just happen to feel that I shouldn't have to sign a paper to "prove" I'm committed to a person. You can be just as committed to a person whether you sign a piece of paper or not. All that does is draw out the break up! Plus court fees and all the time it takes to "break up" why? Save yourself some time and money and forego the "legal" binding.

The other question I get a lot- you and Sir? Will you get married? I really am not sure why so many ask me that! Maybe because they can just see how happy he makes me, not sure. Here's where I start sweating bullets. I hate to talk deep emotions. They freak me out lol. I'll be completely honest- as independent and stubborn as I am- I will admit, at this point with how happy I am and if I could look into the future- if he wanted to go down that road, I would consider it. Why? He's not just my love- he's my friend. With him my independent nature fades. I want to count on him. I want to share things with him. He is my number 1- he does have my heart.

Part of me wants to jump in head first and tell him all I feel for him and exactly how much I love him and want him in my life. But I hold back because we don't know what the future holds. Who knows- something may happen in the future and it ends horribly. Plus- I have a child to think about. That is a huge responsibility and as I said a very touchy subject. But I admit- I feel things for Sir that I have never felt before. I do love him, he is the love of my life. He makes me happy. I love how our relationship is- I would be happy to have an open relationship for the rest of my life and I think the only reason it has been such a fulfilling experience so far IS because of Sir. It takes both of us. I couldn't do this and it be so wonderful if I didn't have such an amazing boyfriend. So of course part of me wants to be positive and say- I never want this to end because it is so wonderful at this moment. I love him more than I could ever say, but who knows where life will lead us. That is something no one can predict. So I'm just taking it day by day. And yes, I admit I do have hopes with a future just because how happy he makes me in this moment right now.

So there we go! Now my head is a little more clear. Hopefully I can write again!

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