Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Make Up Your Mind, Woman!!

I know I've been going back and forth these past couple months- no! I can't write anymore, it's too much!  I will continue to write because it is my voice and this is MY baby! I can't! I'm done forever!! Damn you to hell if you think I'm going to roll over and die! I'm not giving up! So I admit, I can be dramatic- he he after all I am what I would like to consider an artist. We all are in one way or another. I just tend to be a bit more let's say passionate than others. I hate that word dramatic- so I'll go with passionate. When I decide on something or feel an emotion- I feel it full force! So when I said I wasn't going to post anymore- I truly wasn't going to. But after some thinking- I can't. Like I said- writing is my voice. I can't lose my voice forever! I gave up on so many things in my life and wish I never had; I'm not turning my back on writing.


I realized that I didn't feel the joy for writing anymore like I did when I first started my blog. I wasn't inspired, didn't find it fun anymore. Instead of words just flowing out of me like they normally do- when I thought of having to write another blog post, it stressed me and I couldn't think of a single thing to write to save my life. So me being the logical thinker I am, I immediately thought-why? What has changed so drastically that I don't have the heart to write anymore? It hit me- I was writing for an audience and not for myself. I was writing about topics I thought would interest others instead of writing what was on my mind, my heart.

For me writing is more than just words- it is my soul bared for all to see. So when someone makes a comment to me about my writing I take it very personally. Ask me to sit down and write a novel- impossible. Ask me to write about my personal experiences- I could write for days without taking a break. My blog- this is my life; My personal experiences. No matter how odd or unbelievable some things may be on here- this is me. So when someone comes at me and judges my writing- that's like judging me as a person. I may seem to have a tough skin for the most part- but others opinions really do matter to me. So I tend to be very emotional when it comes to any judgement of me or my writing. I actually wish I was a hard core bitch that didn't care what others thought of me- it would be so much easier! But that's not me. I am stubborn yes; I will hold my ground if I think I am in the right. But as far as peoples opinions of me and everything surrounding me- I care way too much about what others think. That's just the way I am. I'm a people pleaser. When it comes to my writing and my blog- no more.

I recently had to reevaluate something in my life. I admit it broke my heart to do so- but such is life. I came to a conclusion- I was letting my low self esteem win. If my daughter came to me with something of this nature- would I tell her to just give up and not do what makes her happy? Tell her to let others rule her life with their judgements? NO- I would encourage her and tell her to move forward and live for herself. So what kind of example would I be setting if I quit when I didn't like what others had to say about me? Not the example that I promised myself the day I decided to get a divorce. I have made it my main goal as not only a Mother, but as a human being- to live for me and to teach and help others to become aware of what makes them happy. We don't need to live our lives according to others rules and beliefs. In order to talk the talk I need to walk the walk. Which is what I intend to do.

So needless to say- I am going to continue posting on my blog. But I'm not going to do it for my readers- I'm doing it for me, the joy it brings me. Instead of thinking "man, I haven't posted in a week! I need to write something or people are going to think I died!" I'm going to post when I want to post. I may post everyday for a month. I may post once a month. Hell, I may not even have the urge to post for 3 months! When to mood strikes me and my creative juices start flowing- I'll post. If not- I wont. I'm only posting when my muse allows. Just as I'm not going to limit my posts to only submission- this is my life. My whole being is not centered around submission- there is so much more to me. So I may post about my past or polyamory or just my thoughts for the day. Also- I may not post every detail there is to be shared of my experiences. I'm at a point where some things I think are more intimate between me and my partners. Some things I want to keep between us. So I will only share as much as I want to. I care for those around me and I respect them. Some things I am not comfortable sharing yet because they are new. I'll share when I'm ready to.

I'll just end with this- I am so happy. Words can't even describe the joy I feel. I love this time of year. For some reason I always am the happiest in the spring. I don't know if its the weather, all the beautiful plants and flowers. But all of it just make me feel grounded and peaceful. Like everything is new. I thrive this time of year. Now that I've shed some of the negativity in my life- I feel lighter, more whole. Also with the experiences I've had lately- I feel so loved and blessed. I feel like I'm in my own little happy bubble of love and acceptance- so don't pop it people. :)

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