Thursday, March 3, 2011

I Am.....

Is it possible to go insane from sexual thoughts? I think so! My God!!! My mind is just overflowing with dirty, kinky, lustful thoughts! I feel like everyone knows what's going through my head because my brain is so overflowing with thoughts that it's leaking from my ears. As if I didn't already think about sex enough- now my brain has gone into super overdrive! Why you ask is it so bad lately? A couple new developments since last time I posted. I'll go into more detail about each in later posts- but for now I just have to write to get some of this off my mind before I go insane!

So- new developments. Well, I mentioned a little bit about one of Sir's friends in the lifestyle in the last post. The incident with the rope and cuffs...... yeah. Um, apparently she and Sir are dying to have a play session. I'll admit I am too! So she should have a name since I have a feeling she will be mentioned in future posts. We'll call her Bubblicious. She's a beautiful, curvy lady with a bubbly, bubbly personality! She apparently finds me attractive and wants to kind of learn a little more about domination I think. She says she is only comfortable with it if Sir is there- which I am also more comfortable with. I told Sir I am comfortable with anything he would like to do with Bubblicious. So whether it be her just watching Sir Dom me or it develops into play partners- I'm all for it. Needless to say after the rope incident last time we hung out- it's been on my mind a lot!

If thoughts of bondage and Sir and Bubblicious dominating me weren't enough- add to that Hottie Patottie! Sir's play partner- Hottie. Yeah- I finally met her in person this week. We had exchanged e-mails and texts but never met in person before. She is a sweetheart and I already loved her and respected her, but now since meeting her in person I love her and respect her that much more! Monday turned into a fuckin awesome evening! I'll tell you the story later- but pretty much, Hottie and I- oh, we get along great! This woman- not only is she beautiful, but one kiss and I was in heaven! She ALSO wants to watch Sir Dom me- so we have two beautiful women we may be- may? no- will be having what I know will be great experiences with.

My thoughts these past few days- Sir, Hottie, Bubblicious. Hottie, Sir, Bubblicious. Bubblicious, Sir, Hottie. I can't stop thinking about it! Dear Lord! I went from feeling blah to too desirable, if there is such a thing! Now not only does Sir want me- I have two women telling me naughty, naughty things! I'm gonna die if anything ever comes of this! I think part of the reason it's on my mind so much is because I never really let myself open up about my sexuality. If you would have asked me a couple months ago if I was bisexual- I would have denied, denied, denied. I'd say "no! I'm heteroflexible! I'll only do things with girls for fun if Sir wants me to. No fun in it for me except that I know it pleases Sir. Girls don't do it for me one bit." Wrongo!!!!

I am actually saying these words for the first time- I'm bisexual. I mean I did the whole "experimentation" thing when I was younger. My BFF and I had some fun a few times with boyfriends and mutual friends. But it was only kissing and groping- nothing else. I didn't want to admit to myself that I liked it! My friend would say "that was kind of weird huh? I only did it for the guy- I'm not into girls." Yeah- totally weird! Licking chocolate syrup off your naked body was just weird and not a turn on whatsoever! Just like seeing you naked and touching you was just- weirdness! No- it was fucking hot as hell! But I never admitted it! Just like in past relationships when I caught my boyfriends staring at hot chicks- my reaction should have been that I was pissed. When they said "she's hot" I should have smacked him. But no- my reaction was to whip my head around as fast as I could to catch a glimpse of the hotness before she walked away! I'd play it cool and say "yeah- I guess she's pretty." When inside I'm thinking God damn! Look at that ass! Work it girl! I want to see you naked! No way in hell was I going to admit that to anyone- not even myself.

So honestly- this is the first time in my life I'm letting myself have these feelings about women. I've experimented some but honestly it's all very new to me. So women tend to make me very nervous! I don't know why, they just do. I giggle like a school girl or just freeze completely when it comes to situations with women. Perfect example- Monday night with Hottie I couldn't speak! I felt like an idiot. I tried to talk but I couldn't even form the words! She was kissing and biting my neck and I was so overwhelmed and wanted to do the same but I couldn't move. I came across as this stiff board and she even said "You can tell me if you don't like this." Great! Now not only do I look like a stuffy old lady- she thinks I'm not attracted to her! Sooooo not true! The whole time I was sitting there thinking Kiss her. Kiss her. Kiss her! "I wish I could take you home..." Then lets go! Why the fuck are we still here?! Lets go!!!! But I just sat there- stunned. One: I'm not used to so much attention from women. Two: I'm having a hard time allowing myself to fess up to the attraction.

That's where I'm at. For the first time I'm allowing myself to be attracted to women- no admit and express I'm attracted to women. The floodgates have been opened! Now I feel like that's all I'm thinking about! So I have to say- thank you Sir for giving me the opportunity to feel comfortable enough to let out my feelings. I am still nervous and embarrassed to feel some of the things I do- but I am open to them now. I am thankful I am not judged and have been given the opportunity to be my true self. Thank you Sir, thank you Bubblicious and thank you Hottie. I may be timid right now- but God dammit I want it!

So- yes I am bisexual. Just as when I started in the lifestyle everything that had to do with BDSM- I was obsessed with. I wanted to learn everything about it and explore so it took up a lot of my thinking. So now that I've admitted to myself that I'm bi- it's like before there was this forbidden fruit that I couldn't touch- but now I can so I just want to explore! But at the same time I'm scared to explore. Just like I was with BDSM. I kind of feel like I need someone to hold my hand and be there just to tell me I'm not strange and what I'm feeling is totally normal and there is nothing wrong with it. Just as I dabbled with BDSM, I dabbled with the same sex- but no much. I'm pretty much a newbie at this! Most definitely I am still not comfortable with doing anything if Sir is not present. Whether it be a male or female at this point.

Another reason I think I'm thinking about all this so much lately is because I'm not used to the attention. I don't take compliments well so I truly don't take being found attractive well. I still keep thinking either these people are blind or they have completely lost their mind if they find me attractive! I have the worlds worst self esteem so I try to come up with reasons. oh- they're just being nice. Just trying to make you feel wanted. Maybe its all some big elaborate plan of theirs to make me feel attractive for a bit. They couldn't possibly really be into me. I push away compliments- when anyone says anything to me about my looks I immediately say "oh stop! I am not attractive!" I just don't see what others see in me. But I will admit- Monday I had never felt so attractive. It was overwhelming actually. That's why I froze!

Anyways- fine here it goes! Fantasies I've been having the past couple days. Maybe if I get them out my mind will stop racing! Also I'm sure Sir would like to hear them :) I'll start with the nice, sweet one and move on from there! Well Sir and I are total cuddle whores and apparently so is Bubblicious. So just to cuddle all three of us would be nice. Moving on! The night that we hung out with Bubblicious- after that I wanted to take that whole incident and just drag it out. They put rope cuffs on me (I want some so bad!) and then hogtied me and Bubblicious basically held me down while Sir spanked me and tickled me. Bubblicious got in a few swats herself. Then Sir asked "Is there anything we can tie her to?" Oh that got my mind racing! Instead of being hogtied I have thoughts of either my arms and legs tied down to a bed. Or standing up with my hands tied above my head attached to something. Sir and Bubblicious doing whatever their hearts desire to me. Whether it be spanking, tickling, teasing..... yeah, that's one thought. Another one is Bubblicious just watching Sir and I. Seeing as Bubblicious is more dominant I don't really picture her and Sir- but you never know!

Now- Hottie. Well, see Hottie is a little different. I know more about her and she has more history with Sir and she is a sub to Sir so I have a lot of respect for her and I genuinely care about her. Just as I know there is mutual respect there. Part of me knows that Sir and her have their separate connection minus me- but part of me is thinking "Sir, don't be greedy! Don't keep her all to yourself!" So I respect their individual connection, but I also want in on one with Hottie myself! Not only would I be OK with her just watching Sir and I- I wouldn't mind watching Sir Dom HER! Hell, I'd love it! But I admit the thought of having an audience for some reason is soooooo hot! I wouldn't say I'm a voyeur- I am definitely an exhibitionist. But because I know Hottie and I are completely different types of subs- I sooo want to see Sir with her. I'm the bratty type that fights you and mouths off and sarcastically says "yes Sir" or I only say yes Sir if forced to. From what Sir says- Hottie is the total opposite- she is very submissive. Even though I am not your perfect little sub- seeing that is a huge turn on for me.

That thought brings to mind the thought of Hottie and I both submitting to Sir at the same time. The thought of not only me pleasing Sir- but to know that he is in control and being pleased by both of us- amazing! Then of the flip side- I loved the way Hottie took control with me. I know she is a sub with Sir- but God damn would I submit to her! Just to hear her say "You better share your toy!" to Sir turned me on.To have Sir and Hottie wanting me and wanting to control me- touch me any way they want- OMG!!!! Plus I don't know what it is- men, I'll fight you all the way. I'll submit- but I'll sure put up a fight. Women- I turn into the most submissive thing ever! It's the strangest thing! So to see that completely different side of myself as a submissive- is interesting. I would be interested to see if both of them were in control if the bratty sub or the perfect subbie inside me would win.

Again- part of me is thinking- "Sir you ain't keeping her to yourself! I want her too!" But like I said there is respect there. I would say I care for Hottie's happiness as much as I do Sir's. I not only respect her as a person- but I respect her dynamic with Sir and I would never do anything to disrespect either. I know they both enjoy themselves and that makes me so happy. I'm just happy to know Hottie and know that she makes Sir happy. So if she just wants it to be that she just watches Sir and I and that's it- so be it. Whatever she is comfortable with. Or if she wants to be friends or just acquaintances- either way I'm happy. I respect her and trust her and love her and accept her just for being in Sir's life. She is an awesome person and I am glad to have met her. But I will be bold enough to say that after Monday- I want her! I want her, I want Sir. I want her, Sir and me! I don't care how it is- what order- but I want her! OK- I'm blushing after that one!

I know polyamory is a difficult concept to grasp. Most don't understand how you deal with the jealousy of the other parties involved. Or don't see how you could still feel close and have that intimacy in a relationship. I don't even understand it myself! But for me- it makes us that much closer and our relationship that much stronger and intimate. I can talk to Sir about anything! And he can talk to me about anything as well- how could that not be considered intimate? It's people like Hottie and Bubblicious that make polyamory so rewarding. They are such amazing individuals- I am so happy to know them. I am so happy that Sir has such wonderful people in his life and so thankful he gave me the chance to meet them as well. I'm glad he thinks so highly of me that he brought these people into my life. They not only make Sir's life more fulfilling, but mine as well. I only hope I can add to their fulfillment as well.

I know a lot may think our dynamic odd- but I wouldn't have it any other way. Some may not understand it- but it works for us and makes us happy. Just as monogamy works great for some- I know now that's not me. But just because it doesn't work for me doesn't mean it wont work for others. Same thing with polyamory. You don't have to understand it- just accept it for what it is and understand that's what makes us happy. Now, looking back I think geez- polyamory. It's so simple! Why didn't I think to do this before?! It fits- it is me. That's just who I am. Yes- I may have moments of jealousy or moments I feel neglected or less than. But I'm human- we all will feel that way sometime in our life whether monogamous or poly. Just because I have these feelings does it mean I'm not poly? No- it just means I will have bad days just as everyone else does. That's part of life. So polyamory and bisexuality- that's me. Take it or leave it. It makes me happy and makes Sir happy and the people I am lucky enough to have in my life and Sir in his life happy.

Let me end with this- I cannot thank you enough Sir for taking me on this journey. Thank you for loving me for me. Thank you for introducing me to Hottie and Bubblicious- they are wonderful people. Hottie- thank you for always treating me with respect. From the beginning you impressed me with your kindness. I am so happy Sir has such an amazing person in his life and so glad to have been lucky enough to meet you as well. Bubblicious- thank you for being such a sweetheart and a warm, open individual. I so look forward to getting to know you better and hang out more. Thank you all- you enrich my life and I only hope I enrich yours as well. Here's to life! Lets keep on enjoying it!

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