There's two major reasons I hate labels. One- they create an image in your mind of what something is, typically. Two- it places limitations on what something can become. I'll explain myself in more detail. In the past couple months I've run into two situations where labels haunt me. The first involves a......friend. See, there you go! A label! Don't get me wrong- he is a friend. A great friend! A kinky friend. A great, kinky, sexy, sensual, dominant, delicious "friend". But it's not a platonic relationship! Generally when you hear "friend" you think- platonic. So I feel like the label friend doesn't do it justice. I'll just explain a bit about our dynamic and you can slap whatever label you want on it :p Cause we aren't labeling it! We're just going with the flow.
Now this friend- I have to mention him on here because he is a part of my life now. We talk a lot and it has to do with D/s, so of course he's going to come up on my blog! Let's call him J. I started talking to J oh, well over a year ago now. He came across my profile on a website and at that time I believe he wrote me wanting to know a bit more about polyamory. We started chatting quite often- developed a friendship. Even though at first we didn't discuss anything sexual....wait, I take that back. We talked a lot about kink! So there was undeniable sexual chemistry early on. But due to a few circumstances, it remained friendly. We didn't meet and explore anything.
We tried to keep conversations platonic but that never worked! It was mostly about everyday stuff, but would end on a sexy note. When we started chatting, J lived fairly close. But he soon moved quite a ways away. He wanted to meet in person before he left but me being the shy, introvert that I am couldn't get up the nerve to meet him. So he moved- we got back in touch once he was settled in. Conversations became more intense- and not just about sex. There was a bit of a D/s dynamic popping up. We found out we share a lot of the same kinks and fantasies. He started to wiggle his way into my little subbie brain; found out what makes me tick and how to turn me into putty. It actually scared me to death! Here I was talking to someone I'd never met in person and he got to me in ways I couldn't believe.
He visited my area again- we planned on meeting in person finally. But for two very important reasons we did not meet....yet again. I wont mention one of the reasons- but the other reason we didn't meet was because as I said he got to me in ways that was unbelievable. He is very much a mental player when it comes to D/s. I get off on the mental aspects- that's my kink. So J being a dominant person in the mental aspects turned me to jello. It freaked me out. So we didn't meet. Actually I ended all contact with him. I thought it would be easier to cut contact early on before he got to me even more and I thought he would just move on and forget about me. Find another subbie to connect with. But every once in a while I would get a text from J. When I saw his name pop up on my phone I would feel this little pang of excitement that I always felt when we chatted. But I never answered his texts.
Then something happened in my life. An event that sorta made me think differently about a few things. Around that time I got a message from J. Same pang of excitement- but I wasn't going to answer his message. Over the next couple days that message kept coming to mind. Finally I just sent a short reply. The reason I did was because I missed our conversations- not the sexual ones. I missed our thought provoking conversations. I figured "hey, hopefully he will be open to being my friend." So we reconnected and started chatting again as friends. But as usual the sexual chemistry just would not go away.
We continued to chat frequently and things just got more and more intense. Sexual tension so thick you could see it! He came to visit my area again- we finally met in person only a few months ago. I'm keeping that encounter to myself :) But I'll end my tale with this- we still talk frequently and meeting in person only validated everything! So when I say friend- that really doesn't encompass everything. We ARE friends- we have a great friendship. But he's also a friend that is dominant and gets to me like no other has before. So there is a D/s dynamic there sometimes. But is he MY Dom? I don't know. He's not a possession, so I guess he isn't "mine". But he sure as hell dominates me when it comes to sex! He gives me assignments to complete as well. So there is a bit of D/s- it just doesn't extend to other facets in my life. It's sexual D/s.
So- we have a friendship and we do engage in D/s at times. I wouldn't say we are just play partners or fuck buddies because I actually care for him. I care about what goes on in his life and we talk frequently. It's not just "hey! Let's fuck!" There's trust and respect and communication involved. Lover? Maybe- but like I said, you label something and then that puts restrictions on what something is or isn't. I don't want to put my relationships in one size fits all boxes. I want them to grow into what they were meant to be. So the closest thing I can come up with is: J is a close friend that I am insanely attracted to that knows how to push all the right kinky buttons :)
Before I get into the second reason why I hate labels- let me go over something. I believe that every person that comes into our lives is in it for a specific reason: to help us grow in some way. That is why I so strongly believe in polyamory. Everybody offers something different- they bring out different areas of our personalities. They help us learn about ourselves as individuals. We just have to find the ones that bring out the good parts of our personalities. J- well I wouldn't say he has brought out a part of my personality. More, he helped me discover this part of my personality that has been tucked away for far too long. It started to develop a few years back- but due to events in my life it got pushed to the side and forgotten, lost.
The side of my personality that I speak of is basically my sexuality. The horrible thing about it- most women are in the same boat! We push our sexuality to the side or cover it up. Society makes us feel like as women we shouldn't enjoy sex as much as men. That we are odd if we admit to having certain sexual urges. We are labeled sluts if we admit to these urges and actually engage in them. For men it is perfectly normal to have numerous sexual partners. "It's in their genes! Men are sexual creatures!" But if a woman goes through sexual partners as fast as a man- oh, she's a slut! A whore, a hussy, she's loose. When actually- we are just as sexual as men. We are sexual creatures as well. And you know what I've found out girls? Our sexuality is powerful. So stop hiding it! I finally have! I've come to terms with the fact that I enjoy sex and I don't give a shit if some view me as loose because I know that at the end of the day: men want a woman who is confident in their sexuality! That's what I mean by it being powerful!
So now on to the second reason why I hate labels. Like I said, J has taught me that it's OK to admit I enjoy sex. It's OK to actually go out and get this sex that I crave! But I'm not really the one night stand type of girl. I don't sleep around. I'm poly- I much prefer having a connection with people. But at the moment I am not looking for a relationship. I've been in serious relationship after serious relationship. I'm tired of them! I need a break honestly. Plus I just don't have the time for a committed relationship at the moment. So J suggested this website where I could meet people. I thought "cool! Let's do this! I'm used to websites. I'm on a BDSM site already!" I was pumped- then he told me it was a swingers site. "Ah OK- cool. Wait, wait wait!!! Swinger! I am not a fucking swinger! You have lost your damn mind! I don't just go hook up with random people! Besides- that's for couples! I'm a single female!" Or so I thought. Then I did some research.
If you are like me- the term "swinger" brings up certain images. When I heard the term swinger I thought of married couples that have sex with other married couples. Come to find out- after talking with quite a few "swingers", I've already engaged in swinger activity! Wait- what?! Yeah- in the BDSM community we call it play partners. You know- people you aren't really involved in a relationship with but you engage in sexual acts with? Yeah- apparently that's the same thing as swinging! Except that in the BDSM community- a play partner is usually someone you engage in BDSM acts with along with sex. With swingers- it just doesn't involve the BDSM aspect. At least that is what I've gathered from many in the swinging community.
So the second reason I hate labels: I hate the term "swinger"! Even though to some it may be considered the exact same as having a play partner- I don't like being labeled a swinger! Anyways- I'll end this post there. Next post will be more in depth on swinging: damn labels!!!