Saturday, August 18, 2012

Kink Versus Swinging

As I mentioned in my last post- my friend J talked me into joining a swingers site. I honestly wasn't thrilled with it. The label "swinger" to me, just.....I hate it! I don't know why. Come to find out the kink community and swinger community are similar- but the focus is a little different.

I know you're all thinking "well if you hate it so much why did you even join?" I'll tell you why. As you all know, I'm poly. But at the moment I am not looking for a committed relationship. I'm not really the type. Yeah, I've had my share of committed relationships. But I never go into a situation looking for anything long term. I usually look for, well- fuck buddies. I'm the man in the situation usually lol. I say "Alright. I'm going to be honest- I'm not looking for a relationship. I just want to have a good time." Some have been just that- a good time. But quite a few have turned into relationships, which in the end.....fizzle out.

I'm open to having a relationship if I happen to find someone interesting enough. But I'm not the type that's searching for Mr. Right. I'd be happy with being single for the rest of my life. Besides- I could have more that one Mr. Right :) I am poly after all! Anyways- I'm just looking for friends at the moment. I happen to get along better with men. Also, I do have needs. Lets be honest- I love sex! So why not find friends that I can enjoy an evening with....maybe have dinner or a drink and then end the night with some crazy, good sex! Sounds like a perfect evening to me.

J said a swinger site would probably be my best bet at finding others interested in the same things that I was looking for. I was very wary but figured- what the hell! I'll give it a month. So I signed up for a swinger site. At first my nightmares came true. I got message after message from single men that either gave me their phone number right off the bat and told me to call them to hook up or asked me to meet them....that night! I thought "yep! These people are way too casual for me. I don't do one night stands- so not the place for me." Couples contacted me and it was the same thing! Couples make me nervous. Not only do I have to worry about being attracted to both, then there's the possibility of drama. I don't want to be in a relationship so why get in the middle of someone else's drama when I'm not even in the fucking relationship? No thanks!

I was losing hope. Finally one day I got a message from a gentleman. His profile caught my eye. He said he would love to meet me. He wasn't pushy- just showed interest. So I messaged him back and basically said "OK, I'll meet you. But don't expect any sex cause I don't just jump into bed with someone the first time I meet them." He wrote back "Whoa! What kind of man do you think I am? I don't do that either. I read your profile and know you are looking for friends. So am I." That eased my mind a bit. Then I started receiving messages from people that had that same attitude: they wanted to make friends and not just hook up with a new person each night. So I felt a little better about the swinger label.

A few days ago I met a very nice gentleman, a hot one too :) that really eased my mind and actually put everything in perspective for me. If you're reading this you know who you are ;) thank you. I met him for lunch, nervous as hell. For one, I had had the worst morning ever at work! So I was frazzled, probably looked like a total mess in my scrubs. That and I know the underlying factor of our meeting: to see if there is attraction there. Kinda nerve wracking. But very soon I felt comfortable and was able to talk and actually enjoy myself.

 I talked a bit about my back round in the BDSM scene. Then we talked about his experience in the swinger scene. Come to find out- they're not so different. With BDSM, we kinda go through the same steps when looking for a Dom or sub. We meet- generally just for the purpose of seeing if there is chemistry. With swinging- you meet to see if there is chemistry/attraction. The major difference: BDSM involves kinky sex, swinging involves.....well, just sex. Swinging is like finding a play partner...minus the kink. So in actuality, swinging is much more simple than BDSM. All you have to worry about is attraction and if you are looking for the same thing. You don't have to worry about the dynamic or if your list of kinks match up. You don't have to discuss rules or hard limits. You basically just enjoy each others company and see if you want to get down and dirty with the person! Sounds simple to me.

As the gentleman said that I met for lunch: swinging strips away all the uncertainty and hidden agendas found in the dating scene and shines a light on the big elephant in the room: sexual attraction. When I thought of it that way, I got it! Now I know I've found my people! That's what I've been looking for all along. I hate dating- HATE IT!! Actually, I've only been on one real date and it was fucking hell! I don't deal with the whole dating scene. I hate sitting through dinner trying to come up with interesting things to discuss while I sit there and wonder if the person even finds me attractive, or if they are praying for the night to end already. Then at the end of the night you hear the same old line "I'll call you". Then the waiting game- cause men go by the three day rule! That or you never hear from them again. If you do hear from them, then you might go on 2 or 3 more dates before you decide "OK, now I wont seem like a slut if we have sex because this is like the third date." Fuck!!! That is a lot of fucking work!

Why go through all that when when you can just meet a fellow swinger, talk, see if there is attraction. If there is- great! The only decision you have to make is if you have sex right then....or next time. You don't have to play the stupid little games and don't have to invest in 4 dinners in order to get a piece of ass! Am I missing something here? I much prefer the swinger attitude over the "vanilla" dating scene. Needless to say- I'm happy...and apparently now you can label me a swinger. Gah! I hate labels!!

I did find something out about myself recently. I've been involved in the kink scene for far too long because talking about sex, by itself, makes me uncomfortable. Totally backwards! I have no problem sitting there talking about spanking and bondage, flogging and whipping, pain and marks. But the minute you mention a quickie in the back room- I blush like a school girl. I so need to get out of the kink scene for a while. It's warped my brain! The topic of sex freaks me out- but kinky sex, no problem. That's just sad.

With that in mind- it makes me's been well over 5 years since I had sex without kink involved. I know it gets me off. Will I actually enjoy sex on its own? Will it do anything for me? If I'm not in a submissive role and have no one dominating me- will I like it or be completely bored with sex like I was before? Only one way to test that theory :) Who wants to be my guinea pig? Hmmm, I think I have someone in mind.

Now as for not being comfortable talking about sex- I gotta fix that! If I'm going to be meeting people for the sole purpose of doing the nasty- I have to be comfortable talking about plain old sex. So I'm going to write a series of posts on sex- no kinks, no tricks. Just sex. Oh boy- this should be fun. Stay tuned!

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